Chapter fifty one
Every time I feel our relationship has broken down the chains that she has stoutly bound around her heart, something or the other happens and the chains of distrust, doubt bonds her so thickly, we go back to square one.
Go back to that place where I still need to prove to her that I’m not out here toying with her feelings, her life.
Rubbing my face in frustration I walked towards the end of the balcony and look ahead as I watch the sun setting on its horizon soaking the sky with a hue of deep orange-red. The pain in my heart seemed to have numbed my whole body, I’m in a daze not knowing where or how to start what.
But in all these chaos the only thing I’m certain is that I can’t and won’t let her go. Even if I have to grovel before her for it I’d do it in a heartbeat.
I love her! She is embedded deeply into the very essence of me. I am me but I can’t be complete without her. I want her, need her. My heart cracks open in pain paralyzing me but if it’s by her I welcome the pain. I’ll cling on to anything that is her, whether be it pain, love or happiness.
I heaved a deep sigh thrusting my hands inside my pant pockets rocking back and forth on my heels clueless as to what I should do to make everything right between us.
Forgiveness, remorse, Sorry. That’s what she wants me to feel and ask right?
Without further ado, I fished out my phone from my blazer pocket and searched the contact list for the number I want and made the call.
“Dom?” Her surprise tone answered the phone.
“Aliyah,” I called out her name in deep hesitation. I’ve made the call but I don’t know how to further the conversation.
" I’m sorry.” I managed to say the words I called her for with much difficulty. It’s not that I’m not remorseful about my past actions towards her but the thought that Aliyah would hurt Arabella is not easy to let go and also I still don’t trust her.
“Huh! I don’t understand. Why are you asking me sorry Dom?”
I sighed, ” It’s not easy, is it?”
“Of?” She returned, her voice unsure.
“To love someone so deeply only to live in constant fear of losing them,” I confessed my greatest fear. Arabella walking out of my life for good.
I heard her sigh on the other end.
“Love is a gamble, Dom, a risk. Sometimes you cash in good, sometimes you’re left with nothing. It’s up to you to decide if this love you have is worth fighting for, even your fears.”
I am in full agreement with whatever she tells me. Of course, Arabella is worth the fight, she is worth more than anything in the world.
“I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you. I wish I could take it back.” I closed my eyes as regret filled me.
“Roberto’s love healed everything for me, Dom.” I could feel the smile, the warmth in her voice as she talks about her husband.
“I have for many nights and days spent crying over you, living with this empty feeling that I’ll never be happy. But Roberto easily brushed away every single tear, he made me whole again."
“I’m happy to hear that.” I smiled.
" Thanks for calling and telling me that though.” She paused and continued speaking, “Every relationship have its ups and downs, Dom but if she is someone you would want to wake up to each day for the rest of your life then keep everything aside, anger, ego, and fight to clear the fog away from your relationship.”
“I will Aliyah. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Dom.”
“Take care,” I replied and hung up the phone as she returned the same. I feel slightly at ease talking to her but nothing would feel right until and unless I make everything alright with Arabella.
With a deep breath, I shoved the phone inside my blazer pocket and decided to go back inside and talk to her. No sooner I turned she stepped inside the balcony. Was she here the whole time? I wondered.
Our gaze locked together in silence. Her eyes were all red and puffy which I assume was from crying too much. I didn’t like the sight of that, I don’t like seeing her this way.
I swallowed hard breaking my gaze from her and walked towards the sofa and sat down. She was still standing there near the entrance fiddling with her fingers.
Clearing my throat to break that dull silence, I stretched out my hand towards her, ” Come here, sweetheart.”
I can see the hesitation on her part as she bit her bottom lip, eyes downcast.
“Please.” I insisted hand still reaching out towards her. She slowly lifts her gaze and walks towards me and takes my hand, I pulled her gently towards me wanting to make her sit beside me but to my surprise, she sits on my lap straddling me her knees resting on the sights of my thighs.
I circled my hands around her waist and pulled her into a tight embrace, sighing in the contentment of having her in my arms, the familiarity. I buried my face on her soft tresses, inhaling the sweet nectar of raspberry, the shampoo she uses which I’m so used to the smell by now.
“I love you,” I whispered against her ears and kissed her temple.
She pulls away from me and meets my gaze. Her lips quiver as tears rolls down her cheeks. I brushed it away with the tip of my fingers.
“Please don’t cry anymore. I can’t bear the sight of it.” I pleaded with her as I cupped her face between my palms.
“Everything is so messed up.” She chokes out brushing away the tears that roll down her cheeks. There was so much pain in that tear stricken eyes and the sight squeezes my heart tightly suffocating me.
Intertwining her hand with mine I placed a kiss on her knuckle and held it against my chest, ” Nothing is in mess sweetheart and even if it is I’ll fix it.” I assured her fixing my gaze at her in determination.
But my assurance was met with silence as she pulls her hand away from my clasp and instead she clasps her hands together. Her eyes focus on her hands.
“Don’t you trust me?” I asked with a tight knot in my throat, heart pumping wildly in apprehension. I don’t want to hear the negative.
She brushes the tears away roughly from her cheeks and lets out a frustrated sigh as she meets my gaze, ” I don’t know. I want to but I’m afraid.” She shakes her head,” I don’t know.” She repeats. Voice barely a whisper but I didn’t miss the strain in her voice.
I tore my gaze away from her tilting my head towards the entrance of the balcony. A deep feeling of frustration and helplessness began to sip inside me.
Is this how I lose her? This is it then?
I feel her soft palm on my cheek as she turns my head to face her.
“I really want to repair our relationship okay. Do you think it’s only you who wants this.” She moves her hand back and forth pointing from me to her.” Us together? Or that the issue between us ironed out? Of course, I want it as much as you want it to work. But it’s not that simple. Or at least not for me, I thought I was fine, that I have moved on but I’m not. I have issues deep trust issues that are consuming me from the inside.”
A tear roll down her cheek which she quickly brushes away with her fingertips.
“I am broken from the inside, Dominic.” She chokes out the words, ” I’m hurting so much. It hurts here.” She points a finger to her chest. There was so much pain in her voice that I felt it hit straight to my heart.
It’s getting harder for me to maintain my gaze into those eyes that now looks so haunted and in so much pain.
This is all my fault. If only I didn’t entertain Cecily that night this won’t have happened. Or if only I was more careful of Nicholas. I should_
“I can’t believe he could be this cruel.” These whispered sentences from her lips stop me on my track of tortured regretful thoughts.
“Nicholas will be taken care of_” I began but she cuts me off.
“Richard, ” She utters that fucker’s name in hesitation, ” I’m talking about Richard.” She clarifies before her mouth settles into a grim line. I see the pain in her eyes and feel the hurt in her voice.
I became alarmed at that and I grabbed her arms with a slight force, ” What did he do.” I asked. My mind leaping over numerous things he might have done at my absence.
She shook her head, ” it’s not the way you’re thinking.” This eases my heart slightly.
“Then,” I asked releasing my hold from her arms and instead intertwine my hand with hers.
Silence loams between us as she held my gaze in uncertainty.
I sighed, ” Arabella you once told me that if I want our relationship to work then we need to communicate. So I’m telling you the same please tell me what is it.”
She was silent and I was growing impatient.
“I want you in my life, Arabella. So please tell me what that fucker did that you suddenly don’t trust me. And I already told you and I’m telling you again Cecily means nothing to me. She is not you. And you are all I want.” I speak out my truth with absolution. I’ll always fight for this woman and tonight I’m not letting her go anywhere until her heart is at peace and I see the smile back on her face.
She shuts her eyes momentarily before meeting my gaze,” Richard told me that he was just using me the whole time we were together. He never intended to marry me, I was just a ploy for him to get what he wanted, that was the whole ownership of the company. His parents never liked me because I didn’t come from money like them. So he threatened them about marrying me if he didn’t get what he wanted.” She lets out a low chuckle a bitter one at that. I wanted to say words of assurance but I didn’t. I want her to tell me everything.
She tucks her hair behind her ears quite absentmindedly, ” this revelation hurt me but what hurt me the most is that he saw me as someone he could just fuck and throw away. He told me he imagined it was his fiance every time he was with me.” Her voice cracks and tears roll down her cheeks uncontrollably which she keeps brushing it away roughly with her hands.
“I feel so cheap and used. Here I was in love with him thinking of the future and he was all along planning to drop me like a used toy, laughing behind my back when I talked about our future, looking on in pity and mockery as to how stupid this woman is.” Her voice raw as she hugged herself sobbing and I sat there not knowing how to comfort her.
Part of me felt maddening rage towards that fucker, he will pay for everything that’s for sure. I also felt pain for the way she was hurting and I am ashamed to admit this but I feel jealous. Jealous that she is still connected to him, connected in pain.
With every confession from her, I seem to be experiencing varied emotions, tearing me apart. I’m unable to keep up.
“I was with someone who would wait outside my house in freezing cold weather begging for my forgiveness of a fight we had, refusing to leave unless I forgave him. Or that he loves me and would want to spend the rest of his life with me and the world be damned. Which I know now was all a calculated act to keep me so he could fulfill his ambitions.” She shakes her head letting out a bitter chuckle as she lowers her gaze.
I held her arm rubbing it in comfort which prompts her to meet my gaze again but there was coldness there, something I’ve never seen in her, “So tell me, Dominic, what’s so different about you. Why should I trust your words, why should I believe you, why should I not think that at the end of the day it would be a woman like Cecily who you would choose to be with.” Hard accusing words after words pour out from her mouth. I can feel the acidity in her voice.
She abruptly climbs down from my lap and walks towards the end of the balcony, she stood looking out the view. A hand tightly gripping the railing of the balcony.
I heaved a deep sigh as deep anger started to take over me because of the uncertainty of our relationship. But I try to reign it in because I realize its not about me. She is hurting deeply, mind and heart calloused and disturbed by what that fucker had done.
So I push back my selfish needs and instead decided to work on showing her how loved she is. I stood up and walked towards her and stood beside her our arms nearly brushing each other.
“I’m no different from him Arabella but only so with the way, I was with Aliyah. I’ll never dispute nor disagree with you on that.” I turned to face her but she stays rooted looking ahead.
I know now the deep intensity of the pain I have caused Aliyah. I was the Richard in her life and I hope I could be to Arabella how Roberto was to Aliyah healing all the pain I’d caused her.
I feel the weight of my past actions and the karma of it. Can mercy be shown to such a person like me, can the immense consuming love I have for this woman standing in front of me lighten my sentence?
I have no answer. She needs healing but I’m I her healer or her pain giver. Who am I?
I’d like to be the former. Desperately so.
She finally let out a shuddering breath and turns to face me. And when she spoke her voice was low.
“I heard your conversation with her earlier. It was nice of you to do that. I hope you did because you really are regretful of your actions and not merely because I told you so.” Softer eyes meet mine but I didn’t miss the hint of accusatory in her tone.
I didn’t reply immediately but instead, I shrugged out from my jacket and tossed it onto the back of a chair nearby dragging in a sharp breath before turning to face her.
“I admit I called her so I could appease with you but talking to her changed the depth of my sincerity towards her.” Saying that I tore my gaze away from her locking it towards the view.
I find no comfort in talking about my mistakes. I fear it would jeopardize everything with her. I wish she would see me beyond my past shame and give me a chance.
“Thank you.” She tells me as she too joins me in staring towards the lit up city before us. I nodded in relief even though she might not see the gesture.
“Do you trust me?” I asked the dreaded question again with absolute apprehension in me. This time I turned to face her.
She sighs and tears her gaze away from the view and meets mine.
“Should I?” A question for question. As she gives me a wary smile.
I run through my hair in frustration. My patience thinning out by the second.
I cup her face between my palms and bore my eyes into hers, ” Arabella, I would never be out here trying to make our relationship work if I didn’t love you. I’m an asshole I accept that, but I want you to believe that I’m not him.” I dipped my head down and kissed her forehead risking resistance from her, but couldn’t help letting a smile pass my lips when she let me kiss me.
Feeling emboldened I wrap my hands around her waist and pull her closer to me.
“Believe me, sweetheart, I would never have followed you from Greece to here if I wasn’t sincere about wanting more with you than just a fling.” She nodded eyes downcast as her thumb and index finger fiddles with the button of my shirt. I smiled looking at it.
“I love my parents and I would never introduce you to them if I didn’t see any future with you.” She lifts her head meeting my gaze.
“I know that the fucker has ticked almost everything I did for you making you feel suspicious about my intentions but know this I promise I will spend the rest of my life erasing all the bad memories, all the insecurities you have. I will love you so much and make you so happy everything about him would cease to exist.” I can’t help the lump that’s threatening to form on my throat. I feel overwhelmed and out of breath, not able to control my emotions. The first time in my life.
What have you done to me! I ask myself as I gaze into those eyes.
“Gi_give me a chance.” I stutter. Unable to hold her eyes any longer I look up at the darkness above us.
She cups my face between her palms and pulls me down gently to meet her lips. She kisses me passionately completing me. My heart is full again.
Thank you for your patience. I had a lot of things going on in my personal life which kept me from writing.
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