It was so peaceful, compared to everything else going on, laying on the soft, cozy hammock. I was grateful for it.
It was the perfect summer day. A cool breeze swaying the hammock gently as I ran my fingers through the thick, tall, green grass. It smelt fresh of grass like everyone in the whole neighborhood is mowing their lawn. That consisted of only three people but they were big yards. I should probably be mowing the grass its not like there was someone else to do it anymore.
The leaves on the big tall trees looming over me were so vibrant green yet so dark swaying with the wind. It was kind of like me. I looked bright to the people around me but I felt nothing but darkness. I was just swaying along to the rhythm of everyone else but I was barely holding on.
The sun is so bright today making the leaves nearly see through to my eyes as I squinted up at them. I protected my eyes with my hand so I could get a better look. I wonder if I was as transparent as theses leaves to my friends. I probably was but not quite transparent I was just blurry enough for them to not know but know something was wrong.
I could see the birds shadows through the leaves moving gracefully from branch to branch enjoying the weather just as I was.
I wish everyday could be like this so calm and peaceful. So uneventful.
I wish that everyone in the world could experience this sense of calm. Of beauty.
I wished this most upon him. The very person who drove me away from my home. Who almost drove me off the deep end. Who drove me to the state I’m in now. This is the person I’m trying so hard to hate but trying to think of every reason I shouldn’t.
The only imperfect thing were the mosquitos. Yet there was something strangely beautiful about the way they slowly flew in the air. As if they had all the time in world. Not a single worry. I suppose they didn’t know the lurking danger if they came to close to a human. What would happen to them. That or they just didn’t care.
I wonder if that’s how he thought too.
They were mesmerizing as they flew out of and in the sun. They looked like little glares of shattered glass. Slowly falling from the clear blue sky.
When they slowly floated forwards near me I could see them for what they really were though dark and ugly.
Its so strange how something can seem one way at first glance but once you get closer and get a better look everything seems to change. You see something completely different than before.
Yet as they flew around me I knew they were just trying to survive just like I was and everyone else. The mosquitos would come close than slowly drift away again. It was almost like it sensed danger and feared me. But it couldn’t help but come back again because it needed me to survive to feel alive.
Was that what it was like for him. Scared to get too close. But more scared to not be near. To not feel that sense of being alive.
They were beautiful in the light depending on the way I looked up at them. But when they come close to me or just in the wrong lighting they were ugly and something to be feared of. Something that did not belong and was not very well liked. But yet they were put on earth for a reason just like everything else.
Just like he was.
Just like I was.
I shut my eyes tightly feeling my long eyelashes brush against my pale cheeks.
I felt a pinch on my arm and slapped without thinking. It was reaction to me. I guess that’s what you get for living in the country your whole life. I wiped the bug off me and an squeezed my eyes shut again trying to block out the steady hum of the mosquitoes.
I shouldn’t be thinking about him anymore. Comparing him to things. Imaging him every time I shut my eyes. I need to keep him in the past. That’s where he belongs and needs to stay.
But I can’t do that because I love to think about him. To wonder about him. To wonder if he wonders about me the same way. If he compares me to things too. No matter how terrible of a thing he did to me I couldn’t help it and I hated myself for it.
My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a shadow casting down coolness on my warm body.
I hated when people interrupted my relaxing time and most people who knew me knew this. Most people know I find my calmness and my peace when I’m laying out here alone to my thoughts. I use to hate being alone. I always wanted people around me. I now long to be alone. I need to be alone.
I was rarely interrupted but I found as the days past on I was getting interrupted more and more by my thoughts. Sometimes by him. Mostly by him. I couldn’t say I complained when it was him. I enjoyed thinking about his stormy grey eyes and how I had made them stormier as I argued with him. I knew he enjoyed it as much I did. Why else would he keep coming back. I just didn’t know why I kept going back.
This time though I was not interrupted by my thoughts of him. I knew who it was instantly. Merely by the fact the person standing in front of me waiting for my attention smelt as if they poured a whole bottle of sunscreen on themselves.
I slowly smiled a real smile. I save these rare smiles for only a few people who I really cared for. Those I can really trust.
I don’t like to waste my smiles on those who are underserving just as I hope nobody would. I used to smile all the time. To people who talked behind my back, to fake friends, to people I just didn’t like. I use to pretend I didn’t hear about that snide comment someone left on website about me. Or about how I thought I was friends with someone and the next day they talked behind my back to there so called friends. I stilled smiled at them. At every single one of them. I realized a year after high school how much I regretted smiling at them. How I wish I could just flip them all the middle finger.
Don’t we all wish we did things differently. If I got the chance would I really change how I dealt with those people. No I wouldn’t because every single mistake I have made and every single thing someone has done to me has made me the person I am today. And I quite like that person compared to the old me. I’m glad to say my conscious is clean compared to all those social climbers at school.
I squinted up at the person I call my best friend. She was smiling down at me probably wondering what I was thinking about for so long.
She had a big round straw sun hat on her head with an enormous pair of sunglasses that almost covered her whole pale, freckled face. it made it look like she had such a tiny head. Her long red hair swayed in the wind making her tuck the strands blowing in her face behind her ears. She’s wanted to get it cut short for a while now because she hated her hair. I’m not sure what’s to hate about. Gosh I would hate to have a rare hair colour too. I would also hate to have such shiny natural waves. Do note the sarcasm. Anyways I guess she thought it was a hassle. She made me promise though never to let her get her hair cut shorter than her shoulders because her words not mine she would look like a little boy.
I’m pretty sure she was whiter than usual due to the amount of sunscreen on her skin.
When she saw that she finally had my attention she stopped tapping her foot and took a seat next to me on the hammock.
“I swear Lana if I get one more freckle from that stupid sun I am never stepping foot outside again.” Her face became rosy as she continued on getting more and more frustrated. “ you can lay on this hammock all day long and not even get a little red. I step outside for ten minutes and I already have a sunburn. Life is so unfair sometimes for us redheads. You don’t know how good you got it.” She finished pointing her long finger at me. I stuck my tongue out at her.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I experience this same conversation with Annie every single day the suns out. I knew she was lying because she loved it outside way too much. She hated being cold and she was always so cold inside. She wasn’t lying though she really did burn that quick. Its insane. She’s insane.
She was still ranting on about how stupid she looks with all the freckles on her shoulders and her face when I decided to be kind and interrupt her. Just so she could take a breath. I know I’m a kind friend.
I quickly reached over and gently placed my hand over her mouth. Successfully shutting her up. Which was a shock seen as she never stopped talking.
“Annie I don’t know if we could stay best friends if you stayed inside the rest of your life. Soon you would go crazy and you might become that guy from the sandlot who stayed inside the closet and ate sunscreen because he was so scared of the sun and going outside.” I looked at her with complete seriousness.
Her jaw hung open as it sunk into her head what I just said with complete horror in her eyes she begged.
“No Lana you couldn’t leave me in such a time of need. You would have to help me. You would have to take all the sunscreen and throw it away burn it if you have to. You would have to lock all the doors so I wouldn’t hide in the dark. You would have to its your duty as my best friend.” She finished with a smug look that clearly said I had no choice and it was my fault for picking her as my best friend.
I quickly interrupted her before she could ramble on more. I pretended to ponder about it for a few minutes stroking my invisible beard.
“I think I would just send you to a crazy hospital.” I said casually. With the same smug look she was just wearing but mine happened to say I have no choice you need help.
We both looked at each other are face masked trying not to be the first one to break character. We couldn’t help it no longer we both started to laugh until are eyes were watering and we were clutching are stomach in pain from laughing so hard. She’s been the only one to make me laugh since what happened. The only one who made things feel like they were remotely normal again even though things would never be just that again. I guess that’s why she’s my best friend.
This is what it was like with Annie. Neither of us cared about being self conscious. We both said what came to are minds. We didn’t worry about judging each other because we never did judge each other no matter what. That made it easy for me to tell her all my secrets that I would never tell a soul in a million years. If I ever needed her she would be there for me without hesitation just like I would for her. We were the best of friends and almost nothing could change that. We already have are nursing home picked out for when we are old and are husbands are dead. Are velvet tracksuits ready and bingo every Wednesday. We had it all planned.
I loved planning things than seeing which ones would be followed through with and which ones would be thrown away like they never existed in the first place. I somehow know that this plan will be followed through with even with everything going on now.
I lay there in silence with my best friend beside me basking in the sun as I think about all the plans I threw away just to see those stormy grey eyes each day. And did I regret it? Not for a single day. I didn’t think there would be a day that I would regret throwing away things I cared about for him. Until of course that one eventful day that almost ruined me. When I learned the truth and saw him for what he really was. Something beautiful far away but when it got closer ugly. He was beautiful but he couldn’t help but be what people said he was. Ugly. He couldn’t help but be what he saw himself as.
He was a mosquito.