On the way to the hospital, my heart is pounding like never before. I can’t seem to catch my breath and the pain in my stomach is unbearable. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m terrified. In the front seat, Ethan is driving as quickly as he can. As we were leaving the club, I could see in his eyes that he was scared too. He didn’t show it, but some emotions you just can’t hide no matter what. In the back with me, Anna just can’t contain herself. Tears are running down her cheeks and her hands are shaking as she tries to keep me calm. I try to tell her that it’s okay, but she isn’t buying it and neither am I. We both know something is terribly wrong.
I want to call my mother, but I don’t want to scare her if I don’t have to. She’s on her date and I’d hate for something small to ruin that. However, it would calm me down if she were here to reassure me that everything’s going to be alright.
As Ethan is driving, I look ahead and see the green light ahead and the sigh for the hospital on the corner. I breathe a sigh of relief just knowing that everything is going to be alright. I’m about to thank God when out of no one, my whole world comes crashing down around me.
Screeching and glass breaking fills my ears, deafening me from any other sound. I’m thrown from the back seat and before I know it, I’m rolling across the concrete. When I come to a dead stop, I part my eyes slightly and see the car on its side. Inside, I see Ethan struggling to get his seatbelt undone and in the back, I see Anna crawling out towards me with blood running down her arm and head. When she gets to me, her hand comes to my face.
“Thea! Thea, are you okay?!” She cries as she takes my hand.
I try to mouth that I’m okay, but I just can’t. My whole body hurts now and I’m dizzy. My vision begins to blurs but not before I see Ethan over me, calling my name over and over. In the background, I hear sirens coming closer.
With all the chaos around me, I still manage to fade into darkness, hoping to God that this isn’t the end for me. Hoping to God that I get to see these faces again. As I’m drifting away, I gently lift my hand and lay it on my stomach. My baby.
When I wake up, I feel cold and still like I can’t move. I don’t open my eyes, but I wiggle my toes slightly to assure that I’m not paralyzed. I feel them wiggle and I breathe a sigh of relief. Next, I shift my legs and move my fingers, making sure all my limbs are in place. Once I’m comfortable knowing that my body is in one piece, I tell myself to open my eyes. I’m greeted by the hospital room ceiling and the sound of a tv. Looking over, I see the vitals monitor and on the other side is a bag od what I assume is morphine...I sure hope it is.
Wanting to get someone’s attention, I clear my throat and I immediately hear people jump up. Three faces appear in my eyesight. Anna, Ethan, and my mother.
“Oh God, Thea, are you okay?” Anna mumbles and I see a cut on her eyebrow and cheek. I look down and her arm is in a cast.
“I don’t know. I just woke up. Am I okay?” I reach out and run my hand down her cast. She places her hand over mine and smiles, letting me know that I shouldn’t worry.
“You’re fine. You flew from the car, but you’re okay. Just bumps and bruises.” She says.
I nod and when I look at my mother, there are tears in her eyes. I don’t need to ask to know why she’s crying.
The floodgates immediately burst open on my mother and Anna. Ethan, however, remains collected for me.
“I’m sorry, Thea. The pain you were feeling was you having a miscarriage.” He confirms my worst fear.
I sigh and tears come to my eyes. My baby is gone. My tummy is empty.
“Can I get a minute alone with Ethan, please?”
My mother and Anna nod.
“I’ll go get the doctor.” Anna says before her and my mother leave the room.
Once we’re alone, Ethan sits on the edge of the bed and takes my hand in his. His eyes look so sad and hurt that it’s honestly hard for me to look at him. I’ve never seen him look so broken.
“Am I okay?” I ask and he nods.
“Yeah, the doctor checked you from head to toe. No broken bones, no internal bleeding, and no brain injuries.”
“And no baby.” I whisper.
“We can keep trying, Thea. The doctor says that most women do experience miscarriages their first pregnancy. It’s common. It’s just something that happened. It’s no one’s fault, okay?”
I nod, already knowing what he’s told me. In the middle of the night when I’m googling all the things that could go wrong in a pregnancy, miscarriages are always at the top of the list. So I already know it’s common. I just didn’t expect it to happen to me. I never thought any of this would happen to me.
“I know, Ethan. I just hope that up until his or her last day that he or she knew they were loved.”
Ethan’s eyes swell up with tears.
He doesn’t say anything. He just covers his faces and sobs for a second. I watch as he tries to pull himself together, taking a deep breath and wiping his face. I squeeze his hand and he squeezes back.
“It was a boy. Our baby was a boy.” His voice cracks and his whole face turns red as he tries to hold it together, but can’t.
When Ethan breaks down, I can’t help but do the same. His hurt hurts me. No website statistic or pregnancy book can prepare you for the reality of having to mourn someone you never got to meet. I can’t imagine how it must feel for him knowing that this baby was a boy. I know he would’ve loved it no matter what, but a boy would’ve been golden for him. Someone that would’ve looked up to him and wanted to be like him. Nothing makes a person more proud than having someone love you unconditionally like a child would. I’m used to Ethan being the strong one, but I see that this time, I’m going to have to support him through this. I’ve accepted the loss, but it’s going to take him longer.
Ethan and I talk a little longer before the doctor comes in and basically tells me everything Ethan already did. Surprisingly, none of us were badly hurt in the wreck and Ethan isn’t at fault, not that I thought he was. An idiot ran the red light because they were drunk. I’d like to think that if the wreck hadn’t have happened then they could’ve saved my baby, but I doubt it. I’m not going to spend my days going crazy over the what if’s of the situation. It happened and it hurts. Ethan and I are going to hurt for a while, but better days will come.