For the next few days, I continue to rest at home. I want to think that emotionally I’m okay, but the fact that I haven’t been out of bed lately says differently. The whole process in the hospital really did a number on me. In movies and shows when a woman has a miscarriage, that it. It’s over and done. I didn’t know that they still make you technically give birth to your dead baby and everything else. It was a stressful situation. However, Ethan was right there with me the whole time. He held my hand while the doctor did what she had to do. Afterward, I just cried. I sobbed for at least an hour in Ethan’s arms and now, I’m just numb to everything.
My mother and Anna have been here for me every single day though. For the first two days, they left me alone to just wrap my head around it all, then they decided that I’d spent enough time alone. If it isn’t my mother sitting in my room with me, it’s Anna. If it isn’t Anna or my mother, it’s Ethan. They bring me food and try to make me laugh. Ethan and Anna make sure I get a nice bath. Hell, last night when Ethan was at an important business meeting, Anna joined me in the bathtub. We laughed and talked a bit, not once mentioning the baby or the club. I personally don’t want to talk about either.
Now that I’m on the 6th day of doing absolutely nothing, I’m finally getting pretty tired of looking at the bedroom walls and wearing sweatpants.
Taking advantage of being alone, I take a hot shower, washing my hair, and shaving...lord I needed to shave. I’d been neglecting my lady bits, too uncomfortable to even look down at my own stomach for a while. With my sanity coming back, I finally looked down and saw a small bush staring back. I also noticed that my hair was beginning to turn into a ball of matted hair due to me wearing it in a bun every single day. I don’t know how I let myself get this bad, but I’m glad I have the energy to put myself back together.
It takes a good 35 minutes in the shower to get my hair untangled and my body slick and bare. Once I feel very clean and myself again, I get out and dab the water off my body before running down in a light body only causing me to smell like lavender. With my hair, I blow dry it before put in one french brain down the back.
Once the mirror is completely defogged, I stare at myself for a moment and just take in my whole body. Just days ago, I was staring down at my developing baby bump and now, it’s pretty much gone. No bump, no baby. Obviously, it’s going to take a lot of time before I can fully recover from this emotionally. I was so ready for this and now it’s gone. Thankfully, we haven’t purchased a ton of stuff and most of the things we did buy can be returned so that’s a plus.
Done staring at myself in the mirror, I walk off and go into the room to get dressed in actual clothes. I pull on a pair of undies and a sports bra before putting on a pair of black leggings with an oversized sweater. It’s beginning to get cool outside so it’s nice to wear some warmer clothes. It makes me feel very comfy.
As I’m putting on a pair of socks, my room opens and Anna comes walking in.
“Oh.” She says, looking wide-eyed, holding a bag of take-out.
“Hey, is that for me?” I ask, moving over to the bed to make it up.
“Uh, yeah. You’re up and moving around.” She nods, sitting the food down to help me make the bed.
“Yeah, it was time. I got tired of laying around in the bed, wallowing in pity. So I got up and showered. Shaved my lady bits and am currently getting my shit together.” I smile, as we lay the comforter down and begin putting the pillows back on the bed.
“Good for you. Ethan was worried about you and I told him to just give you some time. He’ll be happy to see you up.”
“Yeah. I just needed to shut down for a bit. It wouldn’t have made sense to just act like I could run back to work and be normal when on the inside I was breaking. I did my mourning and I’ll still get sad sometimes, but like Ethan said, when the time is right, we’ll try again.”
“Yes. Exactly. I’m proud of you, girl.” Anna smiles as she comes around the bed, wrapping me in a hug.
“Thank you and thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it so much. I’m very happy to have someone like you in my life. You’re my best friend.”
“I’ll always be here for you no matter what.” She gives me a little squeeze before stepping back and wiping a little tear from the corner of her eye.
In a short amount of time, Anna and I’s friendship has blossomed into something really special and that’s not including the fact that we’re part-time lovers on the side. She’s just a great friend to me and just like Ethan, she helped me, in the beginning, to get on my feet. It just took me a while to really appreciate her. To be honest, I love Anna. It’s not the same love I have for Ethan, but she definitely has a piece of my heart.
When we’re done making the bed, we go to the living room to eat and watch tv. While digging in, my mother comes and like Anna, her eyes widen a bit just seeing me out of bed.
“Oh, honey, thank God. I thought I was going to have to get you evaluated. ”
Gotta love her humor.
“No, mom, I’m fine.” I smile as she comes over.
She leans over the back of the couch and kisses the top of my head.
“I love you, sweetie.”
“I love you too, mom.”
“I’m gonna go take a nap. This chilly weather just takes all the energy out of me.” She marches off and I’m honestly confused by her statement, but I guess being from the south, she isn’t used to the cold so early.
A few hours pass and Anna suggests that we swing by the office and see Ethan since he’s been there all day. I’m a little nervous about seeing everyone since they had all just found out about my pregnancy and now I’m not pregnant. I don’t want them to look at me weird or give me pity, but I do want to see Ethan. He’s been super worried about me and I want to see him.
On the way there, we stop and grab him something to eat at his favorite takeout place. Arriving at the building, I get butterflies in my tummy and in the back of my mind, I secretly wish that the feeling in my tummy was my baby kicking. God, it’s going to take a while to get over this.
By the time we get to Ethan’s floor, I’m so ready to turn around go back, however, Anna assures me that everything is going to be fine.
When the elevator doors open, I’m immediately taken back because no one is around. Where the hell is everyone? I look at Anna and she looks equally confused. Stepping around her, I head to Ethan’s office and there’s a note on the door that says that everyone can be found in the conference room. Thinking it’s some big meeting, we head over there. On the way to the room, I text Ethan to let him know we’re coming, but he doesn’t respond. Must be a pretty huge meeting. We finally reach the room Anna opens the door for me.
As soon as I walk in, tears begin swelling in my eyes.
“What is going on here?”
Everyone that works on this floor of the building is holding one white rose. On the table is a huge basket with cute socks, bath oils, and a lot of other things that are most likely meant for relaxation. As I’m looking at everyone in awe, Ethan comes over and kisses me.
“Hi, Anna text me and told me you were moving around so I decided to put this together just to show you that everyone here cares.”
“Wow, I’m so taken back right now. Thank you, everyone.” I blink a tear away.
On cue, one by one, everyone brings me a white rose that forms a big bouquet. When I get a closer look at the basket, I see an inspiration book, bath products, lotions, chocolates, and a few other things. Knowing that all these people came together for me makes me feel extremely lucky to have the life I do.
As the last few people hand me their roses, I lean against Ethan and feel so lucky. This just reassures me that things will get better soon. That’s all I can hope for.