remember me
Dear Xavier,
Today was like any other day. I walked myself to school, I survived the day and I got back home.
Today was like any other day... and yet it was not. Do you ever feel like there are days that are just kept to show you your worst? Days where Murphy’s law comes into effect with a bang and you have no choice but to endure it?
I have had a fair lot of experience with enduring, Xavier, but not today. I just don’t think I can... today.
Mom finally gave me the teddy bear you left. After hours of crying, holding that teddy you gave mum before you left... I finally fell asleep.
Mom told me she thought it would be best to give it to me when I grew older.
I don’t understand, Xavier. Why?
Why on my 18th?
Why 7 years later?
What? Did she think I wouldn’t understand when we were eleven?
That I would be stronger and more mature when I’m 18?
I wish I could rant about anything and everything with you, like we did back then. I wish I could tell you my fears and ask you stupid questions I was too ashamed to ask anyone else. I wish you could answer me like you did back then. But you can’t. I know.
Sometimes I think I should let you go. I think,
“Right. It’s okay. It’s time to let go. It’s time to forget. First love always hurts in the end anyway. Live and learn. Live and learn, Emily.”
And some days it even works. I live in the present and I laugh. I dream about a more independent future~ a wild adventure.
But then I always find myself right back where I started.
It’s a never-ending cycle.
I have spent countless hours lying in bed at night, for years, wondering where you must be now. How you must look like.
Whether you even remember me.
Because in those moments, I remember everything about you.
I remember how you used to be an inch shorter than me, and how you hated it and fussed about it all the time.
I remember I used to laugh at you while you tripped on thin air, and then you would laugh with me too.
I remember your soft jet-black hair. Those tiny beauty spots on your chin and cheeks. I remember your mischievous chocolate brown eyes.
I remember your smile, your laughter when I used to skip instead of walk.
I remember you crying while watching ‘Harry potter and the prisoner of Azkaban’ because you thought Buckbeak had died — and then blaming it all on the invisible bugs.
In those moments, lying there in the middle of the night, I remember the laughter, the tears, the stupid fights we used to have because of some silly childish thing.
I remember baking pudding together and you smashing it on my face afterwards.
I remember every cut, and bruise, and every bandage you applied on them after one of my many ambushes from Gracy.
In those moments, I remember, Xavier.
But then I wonder... do you have those moments too? And do you, in those moments, do you remember too?
Emily.
