Chapter 14 – Time To Heal
It had been six months since I’d seen Logan, I had sent him an apology letter but I was never sure if he got it. I had sent several letters to Pierre, begging to talk but all went unanswered, I couldn’t blame him. I had decided the ‘office job’ was not for me and with the money from the divorce of mine and Caleb’s, I had purchased an already established coffee and book café called, Read ‘n’ Feed, I always giggled at the name. I had a comfortable little loft upstairs above the book café and spent most of my spare time baking for the store.
Standing behind the coffee machine lost in thought, when some contents splashed back on my shirt, I wasn’t paying much attention and walked over to Amber at the register.
“Hey, I’m just going to change, I spilt the last order on myself - I’ll be back soon.”
“No worries, Arabella… what can I get you, sir?”
I made my way around the counter, sliding the slot back into place, only to come face to face with him, the person I’ve been desperate to speak with.
“Pierre?” I gasped, flushing from head to toe. He was here, standing in front of me - I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. My eyes the size of the moon as I stood, shocked, statuesque, blinking rapidly.
“You’re… you’re pregnant?” He pales, shoot, I forgot about that.
“Pierre, please sit with me… please?” Granted that came out a little more desperate than intended but I needed him to know how sorry I was, how I couldn’t move on unless he knew that I would gladly suffer the rest of my life all because I deserved too. I had stolen his wife’s life and I was willing to make amends for everything. “What can I get you? Anything? You can have anything, on the house,” he graces me with a small smile but hey, I’d take that.
“Double cappuccino and carrot cake.”
“Done, take a seat, I’ll bring it to you.” I spun around, “change of plans Amber, you’re in charge, I’m taking a break.”
After finally getting back to a waiting Pierre, my nerves were coursing through my body at an uncontrollable rate causing my heart to palpitate, palms and head to perspire and my throat to dry, completely void of lubrication.
“Thank you, Arabella.” He says as I shake putting down his coffee, “It’s been a long time,” he comments.
“Did you get my letters?” I ask palming my forehead.
“How did know this was my café?”
“I didn’t truthfully, in fact, I was so angry I threw your letters in the bin. I just happened to walk in here to get a coffee and there you are… pregnant.”
I looked down at my expanding stomach and run my hand across it. What a time for my mind to blank and my head to fill with anxiety.
“Pierre, I have thought of what to say many, many times and now that you are sitting in front of me - nothing I ever practised seems good enough, I’m so sorry.” I nervously twist my fingers on top of my baby belly, welling with tears as he ignores my apology.
“Why don’t I start, is that Logan’s baby?”
Breathing deeply I looked him directly in the eye. “Yes, yes it’s Logan’s.”
“How far along are you?”
“Why haven’t you told him?”
“I-I I’m a coward, also I’ve only known for three months.” I palm my forehead, “how do you show up and tell someone who’s heart you smashed that you are now carrying their child?”
“You just do Bells. He suffered when you disappeared and he’s not healed, he is broken.”
“Fuck!” Guilt washes over me as wayward tear make an exit from my eyes.
“Why did you leave him?”
“He could never be happy with me, you needed him, I had destroyed your life, there was no way in hell I was going to ruin your friendship too.”
“That should have been our decision, not yours.” I felt like I was in the principal’s office being told off.
“Oh god, I was just trying to do the right thing. Look, I get - I’m a colossal fuck up but I’m still in love with him, even more so now - he deserves to be happy and the only way that will happen is without me. If he wants too, I would never stop him from seeing his child but what if he doesn’t want either of us?”
“There you go again, making decisions for everyone else, why? Because you think that’s what we need? No, that’s bullshit Bells. I admit that day I was angry with you but even I’m not that stupid to realise you’re not the only one to blame, nor am I the only one to have lost. That day you lost your babies but yet, despite bleeding out, you still held my daughter to make sure she was okay...”
“I’m sorry Pierre but anyone would have cared for her in such tragic circumstances.”
“Enough. I know you are sorry, you can’t keep beating yourself up over this, you’ve suffered enough,” his tone was harsh and to the point. “Now you need to fix this...” he motions to my stomach. “I haven’t forgiven you but I would prefer not to dwell on it, it’s coming up to seven years and we all need to live.”
“How do I fix this?”
“I have an idea but you need to promise not to fuck it up,” I laugh as spit fly’s out my mouth.
“Sorry,” he laughs at me.
“I want you to not question anything, just do,” I nod.
“I will do whatever you say for the rest of my life.”
“Good, get naked.”
“Just kidding,” fucken ass with his smirk on his face. “Thought I’d give it a shot.”
We sat there as Pierre and I reconnected, it felt good to be speaking with him. For seven months I saw him almost every day then to go to zero contact was painful - I never realised how I mourned the friendship. I hadn’t expected to be forgiven and he warned me that I hadn’t, however, for the first time I held hope.
I had become so fearful that I didn’t deserve Logan’s baby, that just like the twins, it will be taken too, so I tried not to have any connection to it what so ever. I knew I was able to find out the sex but I’d chosen to not bother with it, just in case something drastic were to happen.
I wanted this child inside despite feeling as though I simply wasn’t deserving of it.
“Great, I’ll see you tonight.” Pierre finally gets up breaking me from my train of thought and leaves with an extra spring his step - and to be honest, I had one in mine as well.
“Tell me he is single?” Amber almost trips over to get to me.
“I’m not actually sure.”
“You’ve been talking for close to three hours and you didn’t bother to ask?”
I snort at Amber’s desperation, “I will find out for you, but we are closing early today, okay? There’s something important I need to do.”