Lexie never showed up to the hospital that day. I was at school the next day and she was still avoiding me. I tried in all my classes before lunch to speak to her but she moved away and kept dodging me. It was lunch now.
I didn’t sit with the guys I waited by the corner near her lunch table. I saw her and that girl she’s been hanging around with. They entered the lunch room together and went on the lunch line together. As they approached her friend sat first and then Lexie was going to sit with her back to me. I grabbed her arm and dragged her out the lunchroom. I never looked at her knowing she’d be angry at me. I dragged her all the way to the locker room side of the building and opened a janitors closet pushed her in and locked the door behind me.
I found a light switch on the wall and flipped it. Lexie stood in front of me in complete horror. My way of getting her here wasn’t the best but it was all I could do really. I looked down I didn’t like the look on her face it made me feel worse
“Lexie. I know you’re probably wondering why I brought you here and first I’m sorry for dragging you here the way I did. I hope I didn’t hurt you.” She stayed silent.
“Lexie I never got to finish last time we spoke. You ran away from me and I need you to listen” I pleaded.
She tried leaving and pushing me to the side. I grabbed her arm to stop her but my long sleeve shirt slipped up and she gasped as she saw the bandages. I quickly pulled my sleeve down. she moved my hand and lifted my sleeve up slowly.
She covered her mouth and looked at me with the saddest eyes in the world.
“Why?” She asked.
I didn’t reply I just looked down at the surprisingly clean floor. The janitors here don’t do much so it being this shiny was shocking.
“Why did you do it?” She says pulling my sleeve up higher.
I touched her face with my hand and she looked down. She had become colder by the minute.
“ I don’t want to live without you Lexie,” I said.
My eyes were full of tears. I was in pain, I didn’t want her to see my arm. I didn’t want to have to drag her here. I wanted everything to be okay. I broke down and punched the wall. That wasn’t my smartest idea though it caused my cuts to hurt. She could see it from behind me. She walked up to me silently and hugged me from behind, it caught me by surprise. Why was she hugging me?
“Please,” she said straining her voice. She was crying.
“Please stop hurting yourself Pey, please” she hugged me tighter.
“When you start eating more, when you stop ignoring me when you listen to me when you become mine again. Please listen to me Lexie” I begged.
She let go stood back and nodded.
“Lexie Brooke and I. We are nothing, we will never be anything. She’s not important to me, you are... I was drunk, I was crazy drunk. She took advantage of me I thought it was you, princess pl-” I say.
Her eyes opened wide and she fell to the floor in front of me. Her hands went up to her face and she cried.
“I’m sorry Lexie,” I said over and over again.
She shook and was now crying even harder. It was scaring me now, I held her. But then I realized something she wasn’t just crying because of me. Something else was happening here. She would’ve been okay or at least understand a bit not crying this hard.
I noticed she was crying mascara and her hair was a mess. Her hair that was nicely done today. She had stopped doing much to it since that day, she even smelled like pure seduction the Victoria secret scent she adored and wore on all of our dates.
What was going on here? I let her go and looked her in the eyes questionably.
How could I tell him? How could I possibly tell him? What had I done?
My crying only got worse and when Peyton let go. I think he knew. He knew and it made me feel worse inside. I thought hey now that Tristan and I are trying this he’d feel bad about cheating on me and take the hint that I didn’t need him anymore. But no, I was wrong. He was hurt, he had hurt himself and now this. Who knows what he’ll do. He looked me in the eyes and then shut his and turned away. He got up about to leave me sobbing in this closet.
No. I got up and took his hand.
“No Peyton. Knowing you’re suffering. Knowing you’re in pain. How do I live now that I know? ” I say asking myself more than him.
“You’ll be fine. You have him anyways” He said in a tone id never heard from him before.
His eyes were dead, then he walked out. I walked out and didn’t even bother returning to the lunch room. I walked out of the school and ran. I just ran and ran until I ended up at the woods. These stupid woods were where everything started and everything ended. I hated these woods yet I loved them. It was where I confessed to Peyton it was where we’d hung out for the first time. It was where he shattered my heart and killed me inside.
I found a log thingy on the ground and sat there. I sat and cried I cried for hours. I thought about my life. All of it was painful, everything ended badly. I always suffered it wasn’t fair. My mom died, my dad abused me, I was beaten and molested. It was all too much.
The circulation of blood to my head threatened to stop. I took a blade from my bag. I swore I’d never end up like this but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I took the blade and cut. I didn’t cut my arms or wrist no. Cutting my hips would be harder. It’d cause me constant pain every day cuz they would rub on my clothes.
I did cut on my wrist though, deciding I rather die now. One deep cut. My crying was leading me to not being able to breathe. Stupid panic attack, I passed out. A little pain for his pain.
It was 5 now and still no Lexie. Where could she be I knew she got out at 3 today. But she never made it home and she wasn’t answering my texts this was bad. I called the school and they said she left at lunch. But to where?
Then a thought hit me maybe Mason and Peyton spoke to her today maybe she’s over there. Not at Masons house though at Peyton’s home away from home cause he wasn’t staying at home anymore.I got in my car and drove a few miles out of the city. The only thing there was a cabin. I got out of the cabin and knocked on the door. Mason answered it in surprised.
“Where is she ?” I asked calmly.
He looked at me weirdly. I pushed by him as I let myself in.
“Where’s Lexie?” I asked again to a terrible looking Peyton and his friend.
“Why are you asking me doesn’t she have a date with you moron?” Said an annoyed Peyton.
“How do you kno- you talked to her today” I said realizing what had happened.
I walked over and grabbed him by his shirt. His eyes were dull and tired looking,
“What did you fucking say to her? What did you do?” I yelled.
“Woah dude calm down what’s all this about? Yeah Peyton talked to her but her mind didn’t change at all. All probably thanks to you” said Mason.
“Her school said she was at lunch then skipped every other class afterward. She never came home. ” I said and Peyton’s eyes got wide as hell.
“If anything happens to her you’re to blame” I threatened Peyton and let him go pushing him down.
I stormed out of the house, I had to find Lexie, she didn’t know how to deal with her panic attacks yet. If she was alone she could be passed out somewhere.
It took me a few seconds to get up, I knew where she’d gone. I headed towards the door.
“Where are you going?” Mason asks steeping in front of me.
“To find her! where else?” I say in a duh tone stepping around him.
I grab my hoodie and walk out. I knew exactly where she was. after Tristan left I processed everything. after I told her the whole story she felt guilty that’s why she cried I made her feel terrible for being with Tristan.
I couldn’t blame her for being with him. He had his act more together than I did and he did save her and let her stay with him. Honestly I’m still wondering why I’m even out here looking for her. “Oh yeah” I say out loud ” because I love her.”
I take Masons car and drive out to the forest. My arm was itchy from the cuts hidden under the stuff they wrapped my arm in. I had Nate wrap them for me again when I got home. I had cut some more after lunch. I didn’t like looking at it because when I did all I could see was Lexie’s devastated face back in the closet. A painful reminder.
If she was with Tristan why should anything I do affect her anyhow? She’s moved on so why want me to stop hurting myself. She should love that I’m putting myself in pain due to all the pain I caused her. I get to the woods and go to where I first hung out with her. the memory burning through my chest. A little bit further I see her. She’s face down on the woods floor. I run to her kneel down and take her in my arms. I turn her over,
“Lexie, Lexie” I say to her, no response.
I go to check her pulse but what I see stops me. She had cut. What if she had cut too deep? what I saw next made me feel even worse in her hand was the razor blade she had used. She was clutching it hard when she passed out because she had blood on her hand.
I carefully lifted her fingers and took it out of her hand and chucked it. I move the hair out of her face. She was pale, she had been out here for hours so she was cold too. I listened for a heartbeat until I found one. It was faint but she was still alive.
I lifted her in my arms upset at how light she was again. She had gained some weight when she was with me because I could get her to eat. Tristan couldn’t get her to eat. She was starving herself. I put her in the passenger’s seat with her head in my lap and drove insanely fast to the hospital.