I can’t sleep! I can’t fucking sleep.
She’s all I can dream about and it’s driving me insane how much I miss her, and how badly I wish she were in my arms.
I felt so betrayed, so useless. Why was I here suffering? She was happy, wasn’t she? A few more hours of tossing and turning and I decide to go to her old room, it felt so empty without her in it. I sat on the bed and looked at the pictures on the wall, all of them were there she didn’t even bother to take the ones from that night.
Its pretty obvious that I wasn’t gonna be able to sleep tonight, it was already 6 am. I got up and made my way downstairs to look through the pantry. No, no, ah, I saw what I wanted. Alcohol did always numb my pain and I needed to be number now more than ever.
How could she just take off like that? I mean I know she saw me. I did leave without letting her explain but I wish she would’ve stayed. It could’ve all been worked out but the betrayal I felt I wonder if that would have ever gone away.
I go back upstairs and lay on her bed, I hate her not being here. I hate this empty room, this wall full of memories and not having the one I shared them with, with me. I hate how I caught her kissing Tristan, I hate how she didn’t listen to me. I took a sip, why would she? How could she? I took a few more sips. I guess
I was terrible for her after all, a few more sips and I decide to lay down. No one’s using this bed anyways.
I hate nights like this but oh well as long as the alcohol let me sleep. I dozed off at one point looking at one of her pictures of us. A while later I hear footsteps entering the room. It’s probably Nate so I don’t move. I was still pretty drunk when I heard someone’s breathing increase and now I know it’s not Nate.
I open my eyes and I can’t even believe who I see it must be the alcohol messing with me.
I get to my old room and enter slowly the doors unlocked thankfully. I see him, its Peyton he’s laying in my old bed, asleep. I don’t know what to do now. What if he wakes up and sees me? What if he’s mad?
My breathing catches up with my thoughts and Peyton turns. He must’ve been more shocked than ever to have seen me. He looked like he’d seen a ghost actually.
Peyton: “you, you’re okay..”
I turned around and try to leave but Peyton comes after me.
Peyton: “Lexie, why didn’t you answer my texts, my calls, my messages? Why’d you disappear?!” He said yanking my arm.
“Peyton let go,” I say calmly.
“No! Tell me! Tell me why he’s so much better than me. Tell me the truth. Tell me everything, I need to know I can’t live like this ” he said making my eyes water even faster.
My back was turned to him but I could picture his face.
“You left Peyton. You left, and I chose you, I tried so hard but you left. I chose you it’s always been you. I-” I couldn’t keep going.
“Then why were you there? At his house and in his arms? Why were his lips on you? Why were you there?” He keeps giving me questions that make me feel worse.
I try to stop my tears and reply
“To yell at him, to tell him he was wrong about you, that I loved you and only you. That I loved you and didn’t feel the same about him. That my love for you doesn’t compare to anything else in my life. That I hated him for putting the idea that you’re not good enough for me in your head. Damn it let me go!” I say gulping down tears.
“Why were you in his arms? Why was he kissing you?!” He shouted catching me off guard.
He was angry with me.
“He mentioned the group home and I broke down. He was making sure I was okay, I had a panic attack. That kiss meant nothing” I basically whispered out.
“Why were you in his arms?!” He asks me his grip tightening around my arm.
“I already told you, let go!” I sad with a little more voice.
“Why are you here? Are you coming back? Where are you staying?” He says moving closer to me causing me to back away.
A few feet more and he has me pinned up against the wall.
“Why are your hands like that?” I ask noticing his reddish knuckles with scrapes here and there.
“Why are you fighting? What’s happened to you?” I asked him again this time not wanting to hear an answer.
“I lost you, why the hell is it always him huh? Why is it always him?!” He yelled this time grabbing my arm.
I didn’t respond I just looked down. Peyton moved closer to me
“Tell me,” he said with anger in his voice that frightened me.
But it finally hit me, the alcohol on his breath. His grip tightened again when I didn’t answer.
“Peyton let me go” I almost beg him.
He looks upset with me and tightened his grip again. He’s drunk, angry and has me pinned up against the wall next to the door. I’ve never been so scared of him.
“Peyton please” I cry out!
My eyes were watering from the pain I couldn’t stop him drunk. I thought about it for a few seconds the only thing I could do to stop him.
I leaned in and kissed him the warmth of his body soon engulfed mine as his arms held me against him. He kissed me back deepening the kiss. It felt like magic, I’d missed his kisses and the way he held me.
But I couldn’t continue I started crying. Not a few tears on my cheek but hard crying. I fell to the floor and cried my heart out. I should’ve never left, Peyton’s not himself.
I fell to the floor crying and cried my heart out.
Peyton sat with me and held me. This was all my fault, he’d turned to alcohol and fighting. He was so angry with me that it scared me. The alcohol was bringing out his true feelings and I hated myself so much. He held me for what seemed like an eternity. How could I do this to the person I loved more than anything else in the world? He was doubting himself even more now.
After some time I finally spoke “Peyton, I love you and you don’t think you’re good enough for me -hiccup- but you are. I don’t think I’m -hiccup- good enough for you. I hurt you, I didn’t mean too and you’ve gotten involved in my terrible life. I just don’t want you suffering anymore”
“You are good enough for me, you’re beyond perfect for me, I love you, I love you, I love you Lexie” he said the effects of the alcohol were subsiding slowly.
I was still crying in his arms and he was still holding me.
“No, no, no, I’m all wrong for you, look what I made you do,” I say taking his hands in mine.
“Lex shut it. I’ve beat up a few guys, but I couldn’t help it. I beat the crap out of a guy for talking about you. Even if you’re not with me I can’t stand to hear people talk about you” he said wiping my tears.
It felt amazing being in his arms again they were welcoming and safe. After sitting for a bit like this Peyton put his hands beneath me and lifted me up onto the bed. He placed my hands in his hands and looked at me sadly.
“Baby, come back please, don’t leave me alone again,” he said
“Pey-” I start and feel him start to kiss down my neck.
“Thinking about you being with someone else angers me, I love you. Seeing you with Tristan well it drove me crazy, and I’m sorry I left but wouldn’t you rather be with someone who’s good for you” he said, then lifted my chin with his finger so our eyes met.
“I’ve ready found someone who’s perfect for me,” I said meaning him.
He placed me on his lap and kissed me. He still tasted like alcohol but he was conscious of his actions now. Then he wrapped his arms around me and I held him never wanting to let go.
“You’re the only one I want, you are my peace of mind, the rainbow after the rain, my princess my everything. I may be drunk right now but everything I say is the truth” he said intertwining his fingers with mine.
I kissed him. I felt so terrible for what I’d made him do and for how broken he sounded. Sitting on his lap turned into us laying down and cuddling.
I missed him so much but I knew part of him still felt like he wasn’t enough. I kiss him slowly, starting to undo the buttons on my top.
You know I could learn a thing or two from Peyton and Lexie they always somehow resolved their issues.
But I was definitely surprised to find them in Lexie’s room asleep under the sheets. When did she even get here? And when did Peyton figure out where I hid my alcohol? And even better question why was there clothing on the floor? Pretty sure I told them there wouldn’t be any baby making in my cabin.
I awaken a few hrs later with a slight headache. Lexie was still asleep and I took her in my arms and cuddled with her.
I didn’t want the first time my girlfriend and I slept together to be after her having a meltdown and with me not sober. But I guess our emotions got the best of us and we ended up here. Now clearly we’re both naked. Wait until Nate finds us like this I bet he’ll never forget this.
I hear Lexie mumble something in her sleep “Munfu” what the hell is munfu I wonder.
“Munfu to you too babe,” I say to her.
“Not munfu, I love you,” she says opening her eyes to meet mine.
She smiles at me and we kiss then I can’t help but laugh at her facial expression when she realizes we’re both naked. She blushes, her face turning a bit pink.
I kiss her forehead “baby I’m sorry,” I say.
She looks at me confused “why are you sorry?” she says taking her hand in mine.
“I wanted our first time to be special not like this,” I say.
Lexie smiles and wraps her arms around my neck while laying her head on my shoulder.
“Babe?” She says
“Yeah” I answer.
“It’s okay, you know why?” She says
“Why?” I ask her
“You had my consent and because I love you Pey,” she says making me a bit sad.
I was realizing that she’d gone through a close call, and also that she’d given me permission to take something from her. I’d taken her virginity when our eyes met she smiled. I turn so she’s beneath me now and I kiss her slowly.
“I’ll never let anybody hurt you again Lex, thank you for giving me all of you” I say and her eyes water.
“Thank you for loving me, you’re my real hero” she says then kisses me slowly.