Letters to the Lost Lover

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March 27


I woke up this morning thinking of you. I do that almost every day, but today was different. I dreamt of you. Is that pathetic? Still dreaming of you?

I didn’t feel like waking up. We were kissing and holding hands. I might have cried in my sleep, because the pillow was damp when I woke up. I am hoping nobody saw.

You know, I was so close to telling my parents about you?

Yeah, not a good idea if you think about it now. But do you think it would have been different if I did? Hoping it did.

Its day three and I am no closer to stop thinking about you. I am here wondering how easy it is for you to just forget about me.

Oh how I hope you haven’t forgotten about me. Or maybe you haven’t, but still, you are so good at not letting your emotions out in the open. You are so good at not letting me know what you are feeling or thinking. I remember, how you used to say that you aren’t thinking anything or how you are just tired. You know, I never actually bought that. I always let it slide thinking you would open up to me. And you did, only at the weirdest of time, when it was too late for me to actually work for it. How you thought I never understood you. Tell me how was I supposed to? And I am for sure, like always, you are going to deny everything I am writing here. You never did accept all this.

Somehow I knew I was not wrong, but now I wish I wasn’t always trying to be right too. Maybe I was too into my head, because you actually gave a damn about my opinions too. So maybe I wanted my point across all the time. But then you had your own opinions and well we know it never went down well.
We had so many things to work on. But then you were never good with confrontations.

I sucked at giving you space didn’t I?

But tell me, who would have actually thought of letting you go and not keep you to themselves? Well I became a different girl all together so that you knew I wasn't the old me. Well of course you don't know the old me because you did not know me for that long and it isn't worth knowing either. You just bring out the better version of me.

You are a piece of work love. Charming and beautiful.

Is there in any way I can stay angry or hurt because of you?

I end up praising you anyways. Such magic.

But this shouldn’t have happened. We should have lasted long.
Very long.

I wonder if these letters are helping me. I don’t know if I should keep writing them. But if I stop how will you know what I am doing here. Or how I have been feeling, every day without you.

I am so tempted to call you like I used to. Is there a way we can be friends at least?

Not what I want, but at this time I am considering every possible thing to just be in touch with you.

Long distance shouldn’t have been such a difficult thing. I wonder how people survived it. And thinking of surviving, why weren’t we able to do it too?

So many unanswered questions. It is blowing up my mind.

Take care,


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