In this new froth which we call society and being agreeable what does it do to one when one is also human? That in this frothy atmosphere of half attentions and inattentions when we do dislike being without the right words and speaking of them makes us nauseous and dull to be plain and frank is to be without the good will towards the lantern of the truth. When the spirit is not healthy and the make believe world today is crafty. Where does the fond fool go to seek the joys and the tribulations of the disasters which we had when young and the nagging doubts the niggling forgotten moments when we dared not speak a word out? When to seek our truth meant losing it for good and to see it out meant we enslaved for sure.
When one is a sex addict the thing is it happens in the bed does it not and that makes one like a dreamer and it is over not at all because if one is addicted to love as the saying goes one has to do it again and again until life is a clusters of friendships which happen in bed. Because the best things happen in that place the bedroom. The thing is most of us we are only addicted to love which is not the same as sexual folly but my boy friend was addicted to sex and his woman sewed him in half for it. She knew how to play him and did. Once a shark meets another shark their intimacies are graver than at any other times in their lives. So this super human met that human and then they migrated to intimacy and marriage what did it do to us? Well he still insisted he single and his marriage did not matter to anybody at all including me. I kept on saying to him it did matter and he kept on giving her contracts because she his wife. So you see what it meant to them so many contracts and film deals and all that because it mattered what happened in their beds because they had to rock in their toilet and their caravans and their film sets and Regent’s park and the little back garden near me and their car was the holy spitfires which drove them on.
I think anyone else would get this message that behaving like that is never going to work and lead to worthwhile things in the end it is the damned which make it but fools if we did not know any better that is not going to do justice to us the world or anything but the devil.
Then she would swoop on me take whatever he gave to me and go elsewhere round her business having served me well she would say.
The thing is one wanted to give me things the wife would come and take them away. It is like Penelope only thing is Penelope did it for herself.
I am not sorry for all the years as this damnable creature that did not do it with that man? I am indeed I am I should have joined the queue and been done for it. But the trouble was I did love him. Love is a strange thing I thought I could save his soul for some reason. But his wife already had his soul in her keeping which I did not know and she made of money and business sense that could run an empire.
Did you all know that life is not about having your cake and eating it and that life is never perfect and that it is not all up to you? That sometimes circumstances beyond ones control takes over that it is not over when you say it that it might be over for some reason without you realising it? What concerns does it do when a woman of a certain wit and real beauty falls for the sham and then makes hell for the couple already a couple? Already somehow connected she felt the connection otherwise she would not have bothered.
I felt the things for him that now mattered before he had and he did not like me or want me I do not like to live with someone twenty four seven being in some way not that type I am shy except when they made me mother made me sit in front of her for years. In that way she got her revenge. There is nothing the matter with that is there when someone as private and shy as I was and am that way inclined that mother thought that was the best deal ever to be had.
Look the thing was he had nothing to do all his life but gaze into her eyes and that mate is what this is all about there is nothing strange about this beautiful wife of his they got it together then they had to run for it. Run from each other run for themselves or their hides.
What does it matter now if this is that much worse or better that life is one of bitterness for some and the worst of it there is no cure until one ends up old and like someone forgotten.
Out of sight out of mind?
Sight is not the only issue here that I went mad because he fell for it and that is the reality of being a man whose wife is the most beautiful and wonderful wife in the world witty and sure and certain clothes sense and when she smiles the world smiles with her and when she cries the world alas is sadder for it.
Hey suckers, here you all are and I am here that is most of us in this world is it not? I can see your light through the window curtains you were up early why he seemed to be saying why he thought he could say that. I had not to know. The neighbourhood seemed to be saying we could all see your light. I had to do the laundry because it had to be done. Why because my clothes needed washing? I then noticed the mice had eaten the poisons which I had placed on its tray got another packet. My phobia is under control saw your light we all have seen you like. Lantern gets deeper into the past. Abuse and all that sort of thing but the abuser did not know she and he were doing such a vile thing. They thought it nature natural and even parenting because we were adopted and that meant we could be done with whatever to. What odd behaviour? Why it is the same is it not because children are in a difficult situation they are children without much experience of what it is to be what and who they are. That only comes later. This is one of the issues is it not that might cause the whole system to collapse? We are your friends the parents used to say and that meant what?
I am not unused to people calling me names bad names at that. I am called worse names and tarnished my blameless character to such an extent that my face glows with the criminal injustice of it all. I was the daughter of some mismatch and that meant I am now suffering under the criminal intent of the woman who brought me up.
That her idea of fun and games is to rob me of my work wage packet and then to discard the nonsense that was me forever more. I she said to my siblings to anyone do not mean anything do not matter I am not human and the children have taken the banner and have the same shared attitude to me as she does.
I am meant as the serving girl for them and if I do not serve then what use I’m I?
Why should I be housed and clothed and fed and what right do I have to live even? There are ways of dealing with vermin she seems to be saying and there is the opportunity one can deal with such fools who think they can come and take from honest folk the inheritance of the children. The crap was work is not important to her and her friends it is the inheritance not work the work anyone can do for food and lodging what matters is to know that one is not paid or aided because one wanted work and living quarters and this woman out of her kindness of heart gave me living quarters and all that. Living wages did not does not occur to her. That one must have a legal wage does not even take it seriously for her because wages of sin is what matters wages which is a wage pack is meaningless.
That such a thing should be happening in a place called England in a nice neighbourhood by a nice woman who had been a wife now a widow and a mother who has had the good fortune to become a grandmother and to have made something out of her life because she knows how to be thrifty and not too generous and has property and income related things. She is not insolvent is solvent with the promises of a good future.
But it all depends on me dying.
You see it is always not easy to show the older generation that killing someone is not like killing a mice or a rat when they do not disdain to acknowledge one as anything but small mean and in their power. When one brings up an adopted child one mistakes that child as that mean vicious fool who always said things when hungry that she would do anything to stay alive. When a child grows up one learns that living in the basement is not enough that now that person needs some sort of security being over the age of 55 she.
You see it was always something that needed to be sorted but I delayed the whole damn business because did not want to rock the boat and now the boat is in the Pearl harbour and there is no stops there is nothing to stop us from sinking the whole fleet.
Is this the beginning of another war?
Is this what is meant by the things which do matter when a house I have worked for will be taken from me and given to someone else because they are family? The thing is they do not know it is mine they had no idea because did the serving of the dinner every Sunday until they thought me a grateful servant. The thing was is that a serving girl who serves behind the table as she is crying over the sink as nobody appears to be seeing that she is getting tired? That we then began to tire of this other fool the fondness that mother has for small time parties with her family is such she would even do the cooking herself and she does she is always now welcoming her daughters and giving them the same kind of food as before and I am glad they are happy. Except that this is not going to end wisely.
When the gifted become the lanterns which burn out due to lack of cleaning when they are unused and one woman is very like another and one rich man is very like one of its kind you know rich without any personal habits because he is made of money. When we were poor the lantern had never been clean because it took half a day to do and then it burnt out in a few days and it began again so the lantern was a luxury which we could not afford. So grand burnt us a wood fire and until the fire burnt out we sat round the heath telling each other stories and then went to bed but I was never sleepy went around wandering and wandering not being still in that small town which had seen me out grow it the moment I had been in it.
The thing was I was just dirty poor and there is nothing the matter with that is there daddy had washed his hands of me and mummy was somewhere lost. When things are a maid’s child and the leftovers is the main course divorce and the divorce not finalised because the child is the evidence the marriage was consummated.
I was told to remain quiet about my heritage because dad could get into hell lot of trouble, the marriage annulled and me being there meant the marriage was had been legal no matter what grandma had told everyone.
My worst nightmare was when there was nothing left but good humour look these women wore themselves out like shoes telling me lies in order to elevate themselves in my eyes. I was the fool I had to be amuse because that meant me wanting to know why me left from school and all that because dad was a careful man he did not want to be found out still Cyprus was under the rule of the English and he had divorced in England but he did not know one did not know. And that is that the humour is in the telling is it not? Where is the child the infant the poor infant? She is sat down listening to old odd women telling stories to me.
You see one good deed always deserves another and the crime had been done and so had the punishment daddy must have been assassinated. I know it is a crime to make or break some child but I was not an important child I never meant to become an engineer a scientist or a mathematician. I will never become these things because I am incapable of such grand deeds.
Why I am such in a doldrums I do not know maybe the little mice in the kitchen today trying to catch more rat poison as he struggled for breathing almost tantalisingly close to me as if catching me unawares. You see my phobia is such I did not make sure the door was open took it in a dust pan and placed it or threw it out into the front porch I did not see anyone else on the road and closed the door shut very quickly.
The thing was this unkind thing is when mother feeds the pigeons and the mice come as well it is one of her amusements to see me suffer she does not like living in vain she has to do some damage. That I am without anyone but mice for company is one of the trials which do happen to me.
So back to these odd wives of men related to them.
They are all odd? Of course they were they led such eventful lives although now they never went anywhere did anything wore the same shabby clothes and made the eventual things called life nothing more than the basics. I am not saying they were boring but they bored each other by their way of dealing with the expenses why crab so much into shopping when the shop keeper wanted money and not barter?
I had not heard back then about poverty I had not even seen poverty this meant it was meaningless to me such as I was the thing was why did we live in such a odd room was because grandma had the odd humours and left her big house to her cousin and came down in the world to live in one room.
Well you see it had been grandma’s house and she said she did not like to live in a big house any longer because she did not want to. When grandma did not want to do anything nobody could make her change her mind. Why because of her obstinacy and lack of insight in the other point of view. What did it matter to me when grandma had the fancy for a house which is one derelict mess when the other house is bigger than a mansion and has a veranda one can go up and down in like in a play? Oh Romeo remembers that scene without a balcony it would never mean the same thing and without the dude climbing to her room it would never have happened. Oh Romeo come inside this empty shack and let us settles ourselves into a cosy night in. Oh grandma is fagged to death and grandpa is asleep too or counting chickens in the hen house would not do at all.
I know I am not into psychics and when I read the History of Time it meant absolutely nothing more that it was written beautifully about the theories which I dimly recalled by this and that but the thing is when a human being is asked to do something and is taken to be always saying the wrong thing and being in the wrong it makes for the difficulties in a difficult world what does a man say to his woman? I can’t take you anywhere?
That is what it is not? That he cannot take me anywhere because I am someone somehow not involved in his life that the relationship itself is based on things which are private and his public wife matters to him because she is highly connected. The thing is when a reality sets in what do two people have in common really? What do they really have in common besides their bodies is their beastly pride and sexuality and the demands they make on each other’s time until there is no time to make room for the other person because that person has ceased to matter to him without him realising it. Take for example the time related things he does not look in my direction I look more at his back than at any other time he does not want to see me and he does not notice if I am wearing naked tights or the flesh but he does notice when I leave it is fleeting there is nothing the matter with that is there? He does not seek me out as once he had. It is as if my whole thing is one of these disasters for him he wants to leave me alone only in bed does he want something then it starts again.
Stephen Hawkins died and he went to his funeral and then took his ex wife with the racist gang of ladies who think that being English is the true state of being gracious and then he got done in for not behaving well. You know he got done in by me because I do not share the feeling that I am socially outcast and only that I might be indiscreet but that is all. You see when there is a trio and then the wife is the only asset who is allowed outside into the social society and the thank you is only in the home there is this coolness which sets in. It has settled in between us what with him letting his house to this Abdul because he says he cannot afford to pay for the food I consume and all that. You see this is maddening me to such a stoical state. I am not the jealous type but when he is waltzing every day with her I get a bit tired of it all and wonder if I have made a mistake.
You see if the maid had been not there invited as he said she did not have any feelings for the Hawkins as he never did behave well when in the funeral parlour what made him go on his own the smarter than smart guy was he first thought I had nothing to offer to them fools who think of me as not much but the shopping basket in a basket case. He is just like my own mother me dears.
You see it is social climbing going to such a state funeral where the burial will be in Westminster Abbey and he the guy so unique a genius will rest with Isaac Newton and all them rose lassies said they told over and over again how they went and saw but the meaning of it all was I was not taken not invited and the lover went with his ex wife and she gloated and said and smiled yes they are all there in the frame with the right words and the right acts and that makes it nice for everyone and must not be a spoil sport when in the shops and making room in the pound land for the right goods so that can become this other person with the home and making little brick a bricks and saying this until there is a gang of girls ladies after me laughing like hell.
Lanterns everywhere that is it the lanterns oh my God to see the little smoke filled room with the smoked filled room with that fire raging inside all of us. The lantern of our dismays and despairs what to do with this ourselves when nothing there not even a radio and the endless gramophone with the same song taking us into some land which promised nothing at all. Bored out of our minds we all took to wine and did indeed whine away many hours but what to make or say to each other when we had not been anywhere done anything nor did we say anything like pleasantries we all fast asleep.
That we behave well as well as can be expected and there is nothing the matter with this is it except for the grammar and all that?
There is nothing but a lantern in that bleak room for the comforts? The only luxury which was allowed in the little shack which grandpa had made, they allowed themselves in those days back in the 1950’s. I am speaking from a far away time into this other land which saw the British empire fall and that is when their troubled selves began to want to nurture and help and heal the world which is what British nurses do is it not?
When eyes were always watchful when neighbours had nothing much to think about their own concerns was manifold; but what did it matter when the others were just as bad if not worse. They saw such disasters because they were bored. The same accents and did the rites in the same manner. If one is always there within the group being groped by such an invalidity of thought what does it make them? Boring they were boring.
But the thing is that was me as a child that is what I thought about back than now having matured there is nothing the matter with my memories but that they are startled to find that they did their best to keep up their appearances of wealth and comforts that they did not dishonour themselves as much as to cry for help.
Their cries for help only happened when their husbands beat the daylights out of them and made off with their gold and then cashed it came back a broken male. He is now ill with his conscience he cannot look me in the eye he does not seem to care that we have to work forever to catch up on the deeds to the house our son now a servant serving his time and the other one thankfully has got away.
This is what it were like to be the bearers of such a tidy sum and these women wolves would take the rest of it when they matured as the woman who had the man’s child. So they would run away with the husband then have his litter than they would get what the sons earned too? Of course they were woman who did it all the time and knew their law degree and did better than most people.
In this back drop there is nothing the matter with this back drop is there?
In this town which is what we all love to call the town of Cyprus which got us into this place called London which is very like that town.
Privacy please how ill used we were when we wanted publicity now we must have privacy levels of trust has been broken. How dare we give them what they want all the time? My benefits are desperate to catch up with me.
Who can we trust but our neighbours? Here we are on TV and we expose ourselves and still expect privacy too. That is the very epitome of what we are.
“Highly amusing people”
The price of everything is what I know the price of what you all are. Said the dragon and I raced out with our lantern in my hand looking for I do not know maybe something the truth but when one sees the truth how does one know it is the truth staring at you when the truth looks like something horrid and unpleasant? You see it does not make sense even to the world because when the true meaning is explained it is flat. Oh one says is that it is that all well it is says the story teller or the truth giver well I had thought it might have been more something more like what precisely? I do not know something as more as more than this? Like a shrivelled something is it not? Like eat your carrots and your eyesight is brighter or something but that is a proven fact? I did not believe that I ate a bucket full once it did not make more eyes brighter not with a bucket full.
What is our game is not to say anything in an amusing manner.
And to inject some humour and human interest into this car industry which is industry which is the back bone of the Brits.
Adopted mother Zeks she is bored and must have violence again. It is against the law because that is what the rules are? What no Zeks wants constancy of companionship and in fact full alert attentiveness because her life is constantly in danger it is a dangerous world when a lunatic lives with you it is not much to care about is there when the Zeks the adopted mother has no morality at all? What no morals? No because the morals went out of her a long time ago when she discovered manipulation of the emotions when she did not want to be with someone. Her husband died a living proof of her manipulative power. Look why did he die? He died because he imbibed too much of mother Zeks. What on earth started you off again? She spent fifteen minutes trying to come on holiday with me. What? I do not know what gave her the idea that we would get along when the police said not to be in the same house together and she spent the next fifteen minutes asking for you to take her on holiday saying she was alone and that Z her daughter had taken someone else on holiday with her and she is frightfully annoyed with that. Why she take Amanda when she could have taken her? Well Amanda has needs and is dying too so she needs Z more than mother does. So if mother inspires a nasty row next time Z will be on full powerful alert and will take her on that delightful holiday where they both can gorge at the food and their own bodies without the fear of B around saying it is over-weight that is fatty and that is naughty.
Look this is too not nice?
Well it is unpleasant to begin with what is the matter with her and the second is what is the matter with me for standing there for fifteen minutes listening to her bad behaviour I mean where did you get your coats and why do you have them in the first place and asking me like as if she was about to be turned on or become these gipsies in their fortunate hunting sprees when they come and demand and cajole like she was doing just a moment ago. You see any amount of jest is not enough for the likes of that woman she has got enough of me my life is not worth living within her orbits there is not enough spite left at the spectres of our doomed relationship. That she left me broken and not well and in need have somehow to be away from her like. The unnaturalness of our relationship is that we have begun to behave like a hunter and the hunted. She had told me once that she had been and done for the like of the gipsies were her role models why she asked herself once did a starving peasant give to gipsies and then she followed their model and she got by just by behaving like them.
Well if it bothers you? I am bothered by the fact that she is without shame there is nothing kind about her that she is constantly wanting this and the other and being fed all the time means that she is the world’s most gruelling assassin of the brain. Father died bananas in the full control of his faculties saying that he need never see her again.
No need for that? No he did in fact say that and she visiting him every day increased his breakthroughs into the other life the afterlife he said did not bother him anymore because he now in a state of bliss without the means of supporting himself because his worn out body could not be bothered and his mind had stages when it was bright and when it was clouded and obscure and he said once or twice he was at peace with himself because that woman would never hurt or harm him again.
We were all driving along when it hit us.
What hit you?
A lorry hit us?
“It could not have had because you are still alive to tell this tale.”
“Look it is okay the lorry hurtled past the car hitting the mirror on the side.”
“Did you get his number?”
“We were too numbed with shock and father did know the driver for he said something to him which involved something very nasty about his mother.”
“What is the meaning about this is?”
“He said too he was telling the truth.”
“What is the reasonable precaution should a woman writer take when writing a novel?”
“Not to get pregnant.”
“The publisher cannot wait.”
“One is given a right to crawl back inside the womb want to?”
“No but keep on trying.”
“I would we all would love to crawl inside the womb where we were so happy?”
“My mother tried to get an abortion so there was this thing.”
“She did not want me.”
“My dear we do care about you.”
“I daresay everyone has had a bit too much to drink after the pleasant evening?”
“Yes we all had to.”
“We got drunk with good food and then relaxed.”
“Then we saw his and him and her involved.”
“Yes a very easy going film?”
“Yes it had been a pleasant night.”
“Then you came home and became a writer and that is when he’ll let loose again.”
“Yes it is nasty being a writer.”
“Well what does Heath cliff and Wide Sargasso Sea have in common?”
“Both have roaming heroes.”
“Yes and both are the cause of their houses downfall.”
“You see you know literature too.”
“Makes me what?”