(Ch. 35) Internal Battle
With a heart filled with emotions that I couldn’t describe. I stepped into the building. I inhaled a deep breath and then let it out. I wasn’t having any idea to what should I do now. I don’t know how to even face him.
Let your feelings lead you...
It’s okay for you to fall in love...
Everyone needs someone to be her prince charming, a knight in a shining armor.
Maybe you both were destined to meet...
These words from our last night conversation kept on playing in my mind. Maybe they both are right. I should give it a try.
Yes! I should. I’m not going to step back. I’m going to teach my heart to love again.
But what if I ended up being hurt? What if I ended up broken? I should step back. It’s not late now. I need some time.
I am not ready. Not yet...
I sighed and shook my head to clear my thoughts. I made up my mind and entered his office.
He was sitting in his usual seat, wearing a black suit. His head creased in a frown while he was going through a file. He looked so sexy like that, so hot.
Wait! Snap out! You are falling for his tricks...
Falling? Haven’t you already fallen?
Uuh! Shut up!
I was internally arguing when his eyes met mine. My heart did a flip and my stomach twisted.
Stop that. Stupid heart!
He stood up and with long strides, he was standing right in front of me. And in a flash, I was crashed into his warm body. My cheeks warmed up along with my own body. My heart skipped a beat and butterflies invaded my stomach.
Why I’m feeling this way? It’s getting difficult.
“I missed you.” His breath tickling my ear, his voice husky.
“Why did you leave?” His arm pulling me more to his body until no more space was left between us.
“I-I had t-to...” I found my voice and replied.
“Why can’t you just stay with me? I want to be with you every time... I want you. I want you to be the first thing when I rise up and the last thing when I fall asleep.” His voice fanned against my neck and I gulped on the strange nervousness building inside me.
I want you...
His words. Oh my God! How can I describe? They affect me in the most different way and each time, my heart welled up with some unique, different emotions.
“I need to do work,” I whispered whilst releasing myself from his warm hug.
I need to get out of here before I surrender myself in front of my feelings.
I hurriedly headed towards my office without even glancing at him whilst repeating those words in my mind.
I’m not ready yet.
Entering my office, I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding. I sat on my seat and placed my head in my hands. Different emotions invading me making my heart heavy.
“Edan! Why are you hurting me? Why are you making my heart feel again? Why are you making it difficult for me? Why me? I’m no more special... I’m just an ordinary girl with a horrible experience. I’m pure bad luck...” I felt a lump in my throat as my own tears stuck up in it. I sniffled and felt a tear roll down my cheek. My mind remembering the past, remembering the hatred that I faced, the abuse and anger that I faced back then and my only fault was that I fell in love.
I didn’t notice anyone’s presence as I was crying my heart out. I felt a firm grip on my arm and in a swift motion, I was pulled up from my seat and into a hard muscular chest.
There was no need for me to see that person’s face because from that cologne, from that muscular scent, from the feeling that I was experiencing. I know right there who he was. It was the guy who was responsible for all of this, he was behind all my feelings.
“Hush!” He soothed my pain but it intensified. His hands gently brushing my hair but all I wanted was to push him away.
I hate him! I hate him for making me feel again. I hate these feelings. I don’t want to feel them.
“Why Edan? Why me? Why had you chosen me to be a part of your love game? W-Why? W-What have I done? Why I’m the one suffering from this?” I sniffled and grabbed him by his shirt.
“Edan! Please make these feelings go away. Please... I’m begging you. I want to get rid of these feelings... Please leave me. There are probably a number of girls out there, even beautiful than me.” I whispered as my tears rolling down my cheeks. My hands clenching his shirt tightly. His breath fastened as his grip tightened around me.
“E-Edan! They hurt me. These feelings hurt me. I’m no good to you.” He didn’t reply, and my mouth; it won’t just stop now. My tongue rolling those words on its own accord. I can’t control my sentences, my words that were rolling on my tongue.
“Emma I can’t. I just can’t leave you. It hurts me to leave you. I can’t imagine myself without you now.” He kissed me gently on my head and my heart clenched inside my chest.
Why are you saying this? Why all those heart clenching words, when all you have to do is leave me in a broken mess. Maybe not now, but I know. I know you will start to get irritated and annoyed gradually. And then...
And then you’ll leave me hanging there in my own thoughts. Alone... I know it.
“Edan! What am I to you? Am I just a pawn in your little love games? Am I just a time pass? Why? Why are you doing this to me? I know that love doesn’t exist for me. You will never get what you want from me. I’m just a broken mess. I may never be able to love you back... A-And I-I don’t deserve you. Back away Edan before you regret this decision. I know there are thousands of girls out there and maybe.... maybe a girl of your dreams too. Who will love you in the same way as you will love her.” I breathed out and my own voice betraying me.
These words were really hard for me to say. Especially the last ones. My heart constricted at the thought of him with other girls, at the thought of leaving him. But I know... I know this was best for him. I want to see him happy, and that happiness... I just can’t give it to him.
I know he will regret this. He’ll regret falling in love with me later on and I need to stop it before its too late. Before anyone gets hurt.
“So, please.....please just leave me....” His arms loosened around me and my heart dropped dead in the pit of my stomach. My mind screaming with anger as my heart crying and shouting those words don’t leave me... Don’t leave me Edan!
But I kept my mouth shut, it’s best for him... It’s best for him...
Repeating those words again and again in my mind like a spell as if I was afraid that I might surrender myself in front of my heart.
I was in an internal battle, a battle... No! A war. A war between my mind and heart. A war for Edan. A war between my inner true feelings and my forced feelings, that I had developed inside me to protect me from falling again.
I waited for him to leave me, waited for him to tell me that I am right. I waited for him to take his decision. I waited for him to release me from his embrace and I waited... I don’t want to push myself from this embrace, this last embrace. I may never be able to see him again. So, I waited for him to take the first step.
But he didn’t leave me. His hands caressing my back. His touch feather-like, gentle, as if I was something fragile, something precious and he was afraid to break it. His lips touched on my head. My eyes got wide shocked by the emotion that I was feeling.
His fingers gently held my chin and now I was looking straight into those blue eyes. Those eyes whom I love the most and whom I won’t be able to see again. I won’t be able to see Edan again.
His hand moved to my cheek as his thumb drawing soothing circles on my skin and he slightly whispered. His next words shocked me. They twisted my heart in a totally different way.
“You want me to leave you? OK! I will leave you.” He whispered. My breath hinged in my throat and I bit onto my lower lip to stop it from quivering.
Yes, I want that.
No! Emma! No! You want him. Don’t let him leave you. Stop him...
No. I want him to leave. It’s best for him...
“I’ll leave you...” His eyes staring in mine as he paused.
“First look straight into my eyes and then tell me to leave. Tell me you hate me.” His voice a mere whisper and his condition made my heart accelerate. My eyes locked in his. Grey against Blue.
“Say it. Say it that you don’t have even little feelings for me. Say that you are not affected by my each and every word. Say to my face that you don’t like me... Say it that you don’t feel the same way.” His eyes demanding the answers. I averted my eyes from his face.
I can’t say it...
I don’t know. I don’t know how to say it.
“No! Look straight into my eyes, don’t avert them and tell me all of this and then... Then I’ll promise you that I won’t ever come near you. I’ll leave you for good.” His thumb still drawing soothing circles on my face.
Leave you for Good? Won’t come near you?
I need to say those words, I don’t know how but I know I have to say them.
I looked straight into his eyes and composing myself, started saying those words.
Yes! I don’t feel the same way. Just leave me and don’t ever come back. I don’t like you.
Although these words were a complete lie but I need to say them.
I was saying those words but I couldn’t hear them and nor Edan. My tongue wasn’t allowing me to say those words. They were in my mind and I wasn’t able to say them. No matter, how hard I tried to say that lie but I wasn’t able to.
“Tell me, Emma!” His voice firm and demanding.
His eyes looking straight into my eyes. I could see anger, rage, hurt and some other thing which I couldn’t describe. I opened my mouth but no words came out.
I can’t say them. I just can’t... Tears streamed down my eyes. I can’t even stop these tears. I bit my lower lip to stop these stupid tears, to stop myself from crying but was of no use. I felt his warm hand on my both cheeks and he wiped my tears with his thumb.
I closed my eyes, my breath hinged up when I felt his lips on my eyes, first on right one and then on left one. His kisses gentle and light and I sighed. His one hand still holding my cheek while his other hand went around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
“I have got my answer.” He said merely a whisper and his minty breath fanned on my face.
“I’m not leaving you. No matter how hard you try to get rid of me. I’m going to fight for you. You are not just a pawn of my game, nor a time pass. You are my everything. My life and my death. There is no one in this world compare to you. No one can compare with my Emma.” I didn’t open my eyes as he said those words. It felt like a beautiful dream and if it was then I don’t want to wake up.
“It’s you who don’t deserve me. I’m a bad ass. A complete bastard. I have done many sins and you. You are like an Angel. Pure and clear as an angel. I’m like a devil and you are like an Angel. We are complete opposite but I’m not going to allow this to ruin the thing that we had. I’m going to fight for you. For us..." My heart at once danced with joy, with happiness, and with love...
Then I felt his lips on mine. It was short and a gentle kiss. It was different from previous kisses. None of us pushed for more. Only a slight touch of his lips and there I melted.
“Emma! I Love you. Don’t you dare assume anything about yourself. You are most valuable to me. You are my everything. My heartbeat, my breath, my air, my light, my life, my death.” His every word effecting me deeply. I buried my head in his chest, my hands tightly gripping his shirt.
“You believe me. Right?” He questioned, whilst his arms tightened around my waist.
I believe you. I believe you Edan!
I simply nodded and buried my head deeper. My cheeks heating up at the little confession.
It’s true. I do believe him. I could sense sincerity in his every word.
Emma! Just for God Sake. Give it a try. Let your feelings lead you.
My inner voice once again urged me and now, I want to try. I’m going to surrender myself in front of my feelings.
I might end up happy or shattered into pieces. But, I won’t regret anything. I will be glad that I was able to spend some time with him.
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