(Ch. 53) Removing all doubts.
This was all my fault!
I should have stopped Edan. I should have stopped him from going in. I should have stopped him before he came face to face with his mother. I should have stopped him! Then all of that drama wouldn’t have been caused. I’m the reason, he had that fight with his mother. I’m the cause behind all of this. I shouldn’t have come in his life. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.
Its his fault too. Why he have to keep on coming back? Why couldn’t he left me back then? Why he wanted me? When I rejected him, why he came back? When I shut my feelings away, why he had to broke those walls? When I told him we should have remain friends, why he had to become my everything? I stopped him. I tried to stay back. Because I knew. I knew that my life isn’t a bed of roses. My life is not a happy princess life. My life’s a bed of thorns. My life’s a bad luck.
And that was the reason I wanted him to stay away. I wanted him to stay away from me. If... If he had left me back then. Then they wouldn’t be fighting right now. If I would not have fallen in love with him! This wouldn’t have been caused. This is all my fault!
I sobbed as I bent my head in my knees and let all the tears out.
My life is so complicated.
I hate this. I hate my life. My life sucks...
I wanna die!
I cried hard and my tears didn’t stop back. I buried my head deep in my knees and continued crying.
“Emma!” The door slightly opened and Edan was standing there. I turned my head to other side and quickly wipe my tears from the sleeve of my shirt. I don’t want him to see me like this.
“Emma! Are you OK!” Edan sat beside me.
After controlling my tears and my sorrowful emotions I turned my head towards him. I tried to plaster a smile but my lips won’t help me. I tried to plaster a fake everything’s fine smile but my heart was clenching so hard. My heart beating with the pain I was feeling. My heart filled with guilt.
“Emma! Are you regretting falling in love with me? Are you thinking its your fault?” Edan cupped my cheeks and wiped the tear which I don’t know how managed to escape my eye.
“Are you thinking that its your fault I had a fight with my mom? Are you blaming yourself?” His eyes terrified, afraid and concerned.
Yes! Yes I’m blaming myself. I’m guilty. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop myself from falling for you. But I’m not regretting falling in love with you. I don’t regret it but I’m sorry because I have dragged you in my messed up life.
I want to say so much but don’t know how. My lips not uttering a single word. My mind clouded with all the emotions I was feeling right now.
But along with them.
And above all I felt defeated!
I felt pain, guilt but I felt fear too. Afraid that Edan might let me go. But due to my love for him I had a believe that he won’t. He will never do it.
“Emma! Please for God sake! Say something!” His eyes held so much concern. Despite the fight with his mom because of me, he was sitting right beside me holding my face, showing concern.
And there I couldn’t control it.
How do I deserve this man?
“Edan... Edan!...” I sobbed.
“I- I’m so sorry. So s-sorry.” I cried.
“I’m sorry for everything.... I- I didn’t meant it to happen. I- I...”
I don’t know if I could I even express what I was feeling right now in words. I felt so broken.
“Ssh! ” Edan pulled me on his lap and placed my head on his shoulder. He hugged me tighter and patted my back gently.
“Don’t cry Emma! Its not your fault. Nothing is.”
“No. It is mine. I... I shouldn’t be with you. I... I’m not the o-one for you.” It hurt to say these words but it was the truth.
Truth is indeed sore.
I knew she was blaming herself. I knew she was feeling guilty. She thought that she’s the cause behind it but she needs to know that non of this is her fault.
“I shouldn’t have let you love me. I should have keep my feelings away. I should have keep building the wall around me. Then... Then you wouldn’t have been suffering now.”
My heart clenched on hearing her words as she hiccuped.
I wish I could just magically rewind the clock and stop Emma from meeting my Mom. I should have gone with her. I still don’t know what my mother said to her. I knew that it would have been very harsh or even cruel, disrespecting words. Knowing Emma, I knew she won’t just cry because of some little chit chat words. I hear her sobs. Her hands clenching my shirt. Her head rested on my shoulder as I caress her back.
“Then what? Then what do you think would have happened? Do you think I would have given up? Do you think I would have been happy without you? Seeing you with someone else and then seeing you as you become his. Do you think I would have been happier then?” I drew back and held her face, looking straight in her eyes. She averted her eyes but didn’t answer me.
“No Emma! You are wrong. If you would have kept building that wall around you then I would have kept trying climbing it. If you would have not allowed me to love you. Then do you think I would have stopped? No Emma! I wouldn’t have stopped.”
This time I held her grey eyes, her moonlight silver eyes, her feisty yet mischievous eyes. We both staring in each other eyes. Her eyes red and puffy from crying.
I drew closer. Our face only a few centimeters apart.
“I would have loved you even knowing I won’t be able to get it back. I would have loved you even after knowing your heart could never be mine. So stop blaming yourself. Stop thinking that if I would have pushed him away then he wouldn’t have been hurt. Stop thinking that your life is fucked up or it sucks. Stop thinking that you are bad luck. You are the best thing that had ever happened to me. I would have loved you even if the whole world was against it. You are my Emma and I’m yours. I promised you that I’ll never leave and I will never break it.” Her eyes lost in mine. She didn’t utter a single word and her cheeks stained with dry tears.
I wanted to tell her that no matter how hard she would have tried. No matter how hard she would have pushed away. In the end I would be having her in my arms.
“So promise me you’ll never think about yourself as bad luck. Promise me you’ll never blame yourself!” She stared me back and after a minute gave me a slight nod as a small smile crept up my lips.
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are my life. You are my strength. You are my weakness. You are my everything. I would love you no matter what. You are mine. My Emma!”
I finished the space between us and claimed her lips in a gentle, sweet and loving kiss. I want to make her feel the love I felt for her. I want her to remove all doubts from her mind. I deepened our kiss and then she returned the kiss with the same passion, same love.
One thing was clear, no matter what will happen, we will always be together. I’ll keep on chasing her, keep on striving, keep on remaining by her side. And in the end of the day she will be in my arms.
I love her. My life’s been a hell more fun and adventurous since Emma had come in my life. I have experienced new things, felt new emotions and faced new situations. My life without Emma! I can’t even imagine it now.