I never realized what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.
-Nina LaCour, Hold Still
The silence stretches endlessly between us. If you listen hard enough you can hear him suck in air to say something to change this, but the words never come.
They should have come long before now.
“Amara…” He finally whispers, “I-I don’t know where to begin.”
I know he’s waiting for me to respond. To maybe even acknowledge his presence, but it’s not there anymore. I don’t have the strength any longer. I just watch the street lights pass as we speed down the highway.
He sighs in defeat pulling the car into our – no his – apartment complex. He clicks the key fob like I’ve seen him do hundreds of times before, but this is the last time I will be seeing it.
As the gates rise to then fall, so do my tears.
The parking garage is dark only to be lightened as we drive under the overhead lights. I try to hide my face so he can’t see my tears, but he sees them.
He sees and knows everything, and because of this, he kept a secret that he knew the longer he held onto, it would wreck my whole world.
Not that it would but it did.
The car jolts signaling that he parked in our – no his – normal space with large white numbers glowing on the wall.
I hate that number. I hate this car. I hate everything that I know in this moment.
Neither of us move. We both sit in the still silence as it all sinks in.
“Amara,” his voice commands.
My eyes shoot to his. My hazel eyes connect with his green and it only hurts worse.
He’s broken like me in this moment. The faint light above the car giving enough light so that I can see his tears.
I follow each tear and watch as they make trails down his face. When I trace the trails back up, my eyes lock with his devastated green ones.
Have you ever looked into the eyes of the one person that your soul reached out to?
It’s as if they are the cosmos and you’re a single star lost in the beauty and wonder. You want to live there and thrive till you get sucked into the black hole that comes to swallow you.
That’s what this feels like.
I’ve been swallowed but I don’t think I’ll come back through… because looking into his eyes is too painful.
We search each other’s eyes and all I could think was, How did this happen?
How did we come to the tears?
What led us to this very moment?
He whispers my name one last time, but I ignore it.
I ignore it because I know I have to leave, and leaving wasn’t even the hardest part. It was what spiraled after and that was staying away.
I grab the door handle as he grabs my shoulder tightly squeezing, conveying without words, for me to turn to him.
I didn’t want to, but I had to.
His eyes plead with me, “Please…don’t do this. I know what you’re thinking and we can work through this. I promise. I promise with everything in me we will.”
Pressing my lips tightly together, I shake my head and open the door. Closing my eyes, and taking a deep breath in, I slip out the door and quietly close it.
I thought I always knew what lonely was. I thought I knew how lonely felt when it wrapped its claws around my neck to suffocate me.
No, I never knew the real meaning of lonely till this moment, and I embrace it.
I finally embrace the true feeling of loneliness.