Pain. They say, the pain we feel today, will be the strength we feel tomorrow. As a child, I always wondered if that was true, if accepting the painful truths and reality would eventually give me a future way better, far away from the nightmares of my childhood.
Now, as an adult, I realize, pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more and shut people out. Those who say otherwise are only fooling themselves because for them, it is better to feel pain than nothing at all.
I would rather be physically hurt, than emotionally because you can put a band-aid on your finger but you can’t put one on your heart. And so, at this stage, I like to pretend that everything is alright; in that way, when everyone thinks I’m fine, at least sometimes, even for only a while, I can forget that I’m not. To me, being able to walk pain-free is a blessing, but being able to walk without showing the pain is a skill. One that I’ve become so used to, that I can barely remember my true self anymore.
If my 21 years on this planet has taught me anything at all, it’s that sometimes, who you really are isn’t what the world wants from you. In fact, it’s been my experience, that good things only happen when I pretend to be someone I’m not - until enough time has passed that who I have to be turned into who I’ve become. The point is, sometimes, you have to fake it till you make it and that is exactly what I’ve been doing for the past five years - faking it.
And now I’ve become so good at being this version of Claire Adams that nobody even remembers the way I used to be, back before I woke up and realized I would never succeed until I gave the world the version that they wanted to see.
21 and still feel the same. No change, nothing at all. Sighing loudly, I close my journal keeping it under my pillow and get out of bed to freshen up for my morning run. Looking at myself in the mirror, I try to spot differences, but instead see the same greenish-grey eyed brunette staring back at me. I guess a year doesn’t make much of a difference, apart from nearing to death of, course.
I quickly wear my black hoody and tights, putting my hair in a messy ponytail and head out.