Clandestine Heart

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Chapter 21

My desire and thy desire

Twining to a tongue of fire,

Leaping live, and laughing higher.

--Robert Bridges

“Please get some rest, Lara.” Tristan told her once they were outside his room that she occupied. He twisted the door knob to open the door before his long fingers gently spread across her taut cheekbones and his dark deep eyes flashed to scan her face.

Lara did not utter a word because, honestly, she was still trying to figure out the situation she was in right now. Instead she looked up to see his face in the dim light.

If she had not noticed of his look earlier, now she could feel more clearly. All of her senses suddenly became more alert and worked twice harder.

As she breathed, the faint tang of expensive soap underlying his distinctive male scent made her nostrils flare. Her hearing somehow caught, how his deep voice serenaded like a music in her ears and his skin, oh, the touch he was evoking was like a fire inside her, spreading dangerously and she had no thought right now of pulling away or trying to stop the spell he had woven around them. Her rebellious sense of sight only stared at him. Her gaze saw in enthusiastic and in hunger to see every single part of him…

“Lara, are you okay?”

She blinked somewhat confusedly.

“I’m sorry…” She swallowed somehow feeling there had been a stone in her throat. “I’m just thinking.”

“About what?” He asked softly.

She shook her head. “Nothing.” She lied. “Nothing’s important.”

“Don’t do that.” He whispered in her ear. The air of his breath tingled all the cord of her nerves.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t hide anything from me.” He told her half begging. “Tell me how do you feel and I will try to make everything better.”

Lara stared at him, contemplating. Would she have the gut to tell him? How to tell him?


“What, Lara?”

She blinked in disconcertion. “No… really it’s…it’s nothing.” She stammered reluctantly.

Tristan stared at her for a moment he did not say anything then eventually he nodded as he noted the tell-tale sign of hesitation on the drawn of her face. “Alright then, go get some rest.” He said and kissed her forehead in utmost gentleness.

Lara closed her eyes once his lips touched her forehead. It was so sweet as if there were some promises of protection that she would be safe with him, that he would protect her from anything that could harm her, that he would be with her forever…

“Good night, Lara.” He disengaged himself from her and started to walk away.

Lara tensed in dismay as she suddenly stretched her hand to circle her fingers around his solid upper arm, effectively stopping him in his place. “Can you please stay?” She blurred out without thinking.

Silence reigned and for the first time since she had known him, uncertainty registered in his proud eyes. And somehow she started to regret her own request for him to accompany her.

“You want me to stay?” He asked huskily only to make sure that her pleading was not one of his illusions.

She knew she should have immediately withdrawn her pleading while she still had a chance but she could not do it. It seemed her brain had no control all the movement of her body when she slowly nodded.

“Are you sure?” His tone was still low and there was an urgent sound when he continued. “You know what’s going to happen if I stay.”

“I know.” She murmured as she glanced at him inadvertently. Her gaze held in hopeless thrall by the sight of his virtually body.

Tristan closed his eyes. He was fighting with all his might against the urge to be staying with her, nevertheless he shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. You need some rest.” He released her hand gently and started to turn around and leave her.

Lara loathed herself. She should have known he did not want to stay. But why he did not want to stay. Had he said he had loved her? Had those words not meant anything now? He had come to his sense and realized that he could not possibly want her. She should not have taken it as a surprise if he just walked away. Besides why would he want to stay? She thought, numbness flooding her where there had been only a slight of hope moment. He was an articulate man while she was a hooker. Her body had been seen and used by many men before.

“I am sorry to ask you.” Finally she had her voice returned.

Tristan abruptly stopped but he did not make himself to face her and only stood motionlessly.

“I should not ask you to stay.” She continued trembling. “I should understand that you don’t want me.”

All over his body quivered and he could not control it. He immediately turned around before returning to where she stood.

“What did you say?” He hissed. “You think I don’t want you? Is that what you think?” He demanded.

She reveled in his question and gentle tone before nodded her head in negotiation for she was incapable to say a word. As matter of fact, she was at the edge of crying.

“You are wrong!” He said hoarsely.

“Then why…”

“I always want you.” He growled soft and low when he reached for her with his lean purposeful hand and pulled her to him on a surge of enthralling gesture.

“Then why did you stop this? Stop us?” Lara asked while she spread her hand over his rough jaw, raked her thumb lightly over his masculine mouth.

“Because you’re not well, Lara.” He replied, caressing her neck before he skimmed the tips of his fingers along the line of her cheek.

Lara shivered. Her heart squeezed just a little tighter and she wondered what its breaking point was.

“Make me well again.” She besought while now she lifted her one hand to thread her fingers through his hair while the other hand already moved to loop around his neck to hold him closer. “Comfort me.”

He rested his head against hers, trying to get his breath, his bearings to remain in control. “No, Lara. Not like this.” He said. “You’re in the stage of being fragile and I don’t want to think that I take the advantage of this condition.” Her throaty laugh prompted him to continue in a more serious tone as he moved his hand to her cheek. “I don’t want making any mistake. You’re not any woman. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but I want you to come to me on your own terms. Not because of this circumstance.” He admitted.

“Then comfort me.” She said half pleaded, though she was not sure what had gotten her now and why she was begging for him. Yet perhaps Tristan was right, it was the situation.

At that statement, he smiled. “That, I can do that.” He said before he swiftly lifted her in his arms.

She nearly strangled him, clutching at his neck as though she feared he would drop her. “Tristan…”

Tristan cut off her words wit his mouth, managed to navigate the three steps and settled her on the cool crisp sheet of the massive bed. “You ask me to comfort you.” He said, folding down on the bed also, to stretch his long, lean frame with intrinsic grace. He then sent her a winging glance from beneath heavily lidded eyes. “The question is, how do you want me to comfort you?” He asked like an indolent tiger.

“I told you already.” Lara whispered.

“I know.” Tristan replied. “But not tonight.” He reached her hand and held it tight. The wrist within his grip felt far more fragile than he had seen. “Tonight I just want to comfort you, holding you tight though I’ve to admit that the longing to be inside you is killing me. Yet this is more important now.”

“What’s that?”

“To be next to you.” He replied as he kissed her hand gently. “I vision this moment every single night, yet nothing is more surreal that I’m having now.”

Those words slipped into her heart and eased away the ache that seemed to have always been with her all this time. She had never alleged herself prepared for this moment. His kisses at the hospital car park or just now at the balcony had carried the promise of what was to come for their future, and now she knew she wanted to discover if the promise would be kept.

Well, at least for now, it was kept magnificently. He enfolded her in his arms in a way that shut out the rest of the world, as though only she mattered. That alone was a seductive experience. A kind of experience a woman dreamed of, and it was irresistible.

“I’m haunted by your skin, I always think how it feels to touch your exquisite body and dream of how it’d feel pressed against me when you lie next to me.” He hoarsely whispered. “Since the first time I’ve realized I love you, I always think how I’d run my hands through your hair.” He caressed her hair before skimmed the tips of his fingers along the line of her cheek. She shivered. Her heart squeezed just a little tighter and she wondered what its breaking point was.

The atmosphere of the room suddenly rose up, pushing them together, drawing them closer. She felt as though she could not gulp of air, and worse, Lara did not want to breathe. She did not need air when she could look into his eyes and feel the power of his soul reaching into hers.

“I didn’t know that…”

“Well, now you know.” He interrupted, slant of smile curved on his hard and sensuous lips. He then cupped a hand over her nape and covered her mouth.

This time, the second he plied her lips tenderly with his own, he made her feel brand new. He could make her feel that she had never been kissed before. His kisses were so comforting that she easily could surrender of this sweetness. Simultaneously she returned the kisses with equal zeal and need. With each brush of her mouth over his kiss she enjoyed, her hunger of being with him all this time amplified. The desire for him had multiplied and especially her need for him intensified. He just tasted so good and he felt good. Everything that had come in her life seemed to fade away. He was here now and he was everything to her like he had been. He dominated every thought, every feeling and every respond she had.

Their dreams collided and between the kisses there was no pain, no hurt, no lie, no wrong and it was only so right. She felt right in his arms and she thought that he overshadowed their pasts and filled her hope at the present and the future.

“I love you.” He gently said to her between the kisses.

The thick and raw words brought her into stillness as she still had not been used to hear those words, especially from him. She could feel the heat of his hand against the back of her head and against the front of her body she could feel the heat of him.

“Did you hear what I said?” He asked softly. Her head was cradled on his arm while he searched her face, seeking there the answer to some question that was beyond words.

“Tristan… I…” She trembled, gazing up at the contour of his face. “I think…”

“Shh…” He hushed. His free hand cupped her face. “Like I said, don’t think… just feel, just feel me Lara, okay?”

Lara did not say anything but eventually she nodded.

“Good.” He growled softly. His fingers caressed her skin, sliding down her throat before tracing her collarbone.

Lara could not stop the roaring thrill that sloshed through her. No one had ever wanted her so much. No man had appreciated her. No man had whispered that he had loved her.

He pushed her back down, positioned himself almost on top of her. She felt the warm silky bedspread beneath her back and the moonlight on her face. With absolute gentleness he was caressing her with his lips while his hands began a gentle exploration of her body. It was wonderfully intoxicating. She gasped at those soft touches. She had not known that she had such a body until his reverent fingertips told her, and told her also what it was for. It was for giving and taking in an ecstasy of pleasure and he made her understand what was possible beyond anything she could have imagined.

She gasped with pleasure, her lips parting for him and felt more frenzied as he swept his tongue. Her mouth moved feverishly against his. His insistence became fierce, and suddenly she could feel the hot breeze of the desert against her skin, see the dark red sun in its last moments before oblivion. He carried these things with him and no woman could lie in his arms without being aware of them as part of his soul.

His hands went to her hair again and then traveled down her back, stroking her, molding her body closer. She could have never anticipated what sensations those elegant hands could awake within her. When she looked into his eyes, there was an expression she had never seen there before. Flame seemed to course through her body, and her limbs felt strangely heavy. All through the grey, chilly years this had been waiting for her, and now she had found it there was no turning back.

“You enchant me, sweetheart.” Tristan said, nuzzling her neck before he kissed and sucked gently, driving her absolutely insane. His hand now roamed and brought around before slid it caressingly up her side.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Lara replied, both of her hands were landing on his broad chest and although it was covered by thick robe, she could hear his heart beat faster. There was nothing she wanted now but to see him fully bare in front of her…

Then unexpectedly he pulled away from her before rolling over onto his back. He lay next to her, breathing raggedly. He was at the same position for few second before he rolled to his side and lay gazing down.

His fingers traced gently over her lips and his next words sent feeling through her again. “I want to.” He said. “But not now.”

“What’s the difference?” She asked bereft of all the hope.

He rested his head against hers, trying to get his breath, his bearings to remain in control. “Oh there’s a lot the difference.” He replied carefully. “I want to make love with you, the whole of you not just your body. I want your mind, your feeling and mostly your heart. You can call me selfish but I want all. I want all of you. In which you can’t do that tonight since you’ve had unpleasant experience. Honestly I’m still angry with that situation also.”

“Tristan, this situation happens mostly for a people like me.” Lara said, her eyes did not meet his. “One way or another…”

“I won’t let it happen.” He interrupted, gritted in a fierce undertone before he drew a deep, sharp breath to take control of his emotion. “You have no idea my feeling when I found you like that, Lara.” He paused for a brief second and gave her his sweetest smile. “Let’s just go to sleep, okay.”

“Tristan…” she breathed into his skin, inhaling the scent of him,

“Get some rest, Lara… we’ll talk more tomorrow.” He murmured then puller her closer as his lips found her earlobe.

She nodded, as a matter of fact, she felt that drowsiness sweep over her suddenly. “Okay.” She agreed and closed her eyes but not before she held out her arms to him, wrapped him to her and clung to him.

“Goodnight, sweetheart.” He said softly.

Faintly, she felt the covers being drawn over her and then still cradled against him, held in the strong circle of his arms, she eventually went to sleep.

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