Clandestine Heart

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Chapter 4

Her tears fell with the dews at even; her tears fell ere the dews were dried

She could not look on the sweet heaven, either at morn or eventide

After the flitting of the bats, when thickest dark did trance the sky

She drew her casement-curtain by, and glanced athwart the glooming flats

--Alfred Tennyson, Lord Tennyson

Throughout times, night had been a constant source of dreary life. It would always be inflicting a mystical sense of foreboding upon the human race. Fortunately the grandiose and the stunning natural of brightness had invaded the forces of darkness. In the distance, the sun had emanated the hues of a striking symphony or red, orange and yellow permeated the atmosphere of the half side of the earth.

Gracefully, the birds stretched out their wings and started to exhibit their magnificent voices in rising and falling breathtaking cadences to the nature of lights. The morning just started in this autumn in New York.

The wind blew hard and sent the chill up spines of the people on the street, making them to clutch their coats little closer to their bodies fighting off the cold intruder. Cars passed by. Mothers tugged their children tightly as they tried to protect them from the cruel wind. Schoolgirls ran past, giggling and talking to each other. Young men and women walked back and forth across the streets scurrying to their destination while elderly people walked in a slower pace to have the first fresh air of the morning.

Lara sat alone, looking outside the window. It seemed that she was observing the morning activities at the corner of the 24 hours café in the downtown of the city. But actually she was not, for she was lost in her won painstakingly thoughts.

She rested her chin on her hand while the others cradled a cup of black coffee. She simply let her hair hung down but there was nothing plain about her look. All the costumers who passed walking by hurriedly to grab their drinks to take away could not help but to slow down their paces once their eyes captured her petite figure.

She was beautiful but there was a subtle misery of her feature that held untold stories of hardship that could make some people have mistaken her age older than the real age. Her calm feature masked the turmoil of the present and the past colliding with each other. Once in a while her eyes closed for few seconds as if trying to hide the misery in those big brown eyes. People wondered why this young lady was in the state of sadness.

She took a sip of her drink and turned her sight to the big mirror on the wall across the room. As soon as she saw her own reflection, a sudden of embarrassment stroke her like a lighting bolt.

A woman who was in the mirror was wearing a seductive outfit. The red halter-neck, knee-length dress was fitted perfectly on her body. Four inches red stilettos not only to make her figure looked tall also to enhance her immaculate legs.

She had a rouge color of lipstick that made her lips looked sensuous and her thin cheeks were applied with a rosy blushed-on Her eyebrows were arched perfectly whilst her long eyelashes framed her eyes that were plastered with dark eyed-shadow.

Once again her long eyes fluttered closed the lifted. Even with flawless make-up, still could not hide the expressionless eyes downcast in hopelessness.

Looking at again of all the people around, she wondered of how people’s live moved on day by day.

It was true, life went on and life changed.

Including her.

Her life had changed. Had changed so many times since the day she had lost her father. And just like a slow motion movie, she recalled back all those memories. How it had been happy her childhood, she had had enough of everything until fate had had to take her father away from them. They had struggled to live each day, especially her mother. And Lara had felt she had been left alone.

She could not have shared what had been like to have a relationship of mother and daughter. Lara could not have been able to tell her mother about her school or when the first time she had had crush to a boy or how he had made her heart broken. She had never told her how once a boy had seduced her and how she had given everything for him only to find out that he only two-timed her.

She had never told her those things.

Especially about that particular man.

The man who had been constantly on her mind, perhaps not at first sight but he had always been there somehow. She had met him around three years ago. He had been a friend of Liam when she had joined Abby to have dinner together before they had gone to have just drinks at nice exclusive bar.

He had come late, much later actually. However the moment he had walked in, almost all eyes had been on him especially women. Including her. If she had not known how to behave, she would have gaped and let her mouth hung open.

She had thought that the word of gorgeous had been a little bit too modest to describe him, once she had seen how each part of his face so finely carved. Tristan had an aristocrat high-pointed nose, commanding the air of autocracy. And the incredible sculpted structure of his jaw, the type of demanding man that always got what he wanted.

When he had introduced himself to her and to Abby, his deep, charismatic voice had reverberated in her ears. And when he had formed his sensuously molded lips into a smile or when his deep eyes had drifted down over her face, Lara had felt herself burn. This man had all the dangerous combinations rarely any man had possessed at the same time. He had seemed so extremely powerful and handsome.

Lara took a bite of the dark chocolate that she always carried in her purse. Her thoughts about him lingered of how their merely acquaintanceship had grown into deeper than she had expected. Oh, perhaps in the other dimension of life, he would not have noticed a girl who had been at the opposite of him. Thus, since both of their friends had been in the relationships, so had theirs friendships. It had grown closer when Tristan had helped her to get over of her two-timed boyfriend.

Tristan had opened her eyes about the bitter sweet of love simply over one bite of dark chocolate. He had stated that love had been always like that, sweet and yet bitter at the same time. She had had to take in wholly in one bite.

Lara had been divulged that she should have stood tall to face everything bravely and she should have never crossed her mind that she had been nobody. Tristan had taught her that something only her mother that should have taught about a young woman who had just about to face the world if her mother had not been in depression state.

Nothing had gone wrong about the teaching part or that she had learnt the lesson very well. The only thing had gone so wrong that she had fallen in love with him.

Lara had thought of him as her savior. Of course, she had realized that no one had had to blame but herself to feel romantically in love towards him. She had let herself dreamt that she had been a damsel in distress and he had been a knight in shining armour came to rescue her. She had confided her feeling to him, furtively at first until she had had to tell him how she had felt about him.

Oh, she should have known and she should not have told him, her feeling. However she had done it…Not once, not twice…But three times.

Lara inhaled the air as she fluttered closed her spiky lashes the lifted slowly. She still did not believe her own courage to fall in love with this magnificent man and her persistence to break the barriers and climbed his steel heart though deep inside she had known that her effort must’ve been futile.

Tristan was nice and he could be a good lover if he wanted as he once had admitted to her, yet he had also told her that he had not been a good person. Hence he had told her to just forget her feeling and find another a good man. Because he, as he had stated before, could not have fulfilled what she had wanted. And of course he had so much more appealing offer. It had not taken a genius to see that her love would have been only a burden for him.

Therefore, after countless nights of crying and praying that at least he had had a bit of affection towards him yet she ha only received rejection either from his lips or gesture, she had had to give in eventually.

There was a hint of sadness flashed on her big brown eyes as she thought the way he had treated her. Oh, he had kept his promise that only friendships that he could have offered and he had treated her kindly, yet at same time so distance.

She had not been sure if he had wanted to show his aim that she had not been his cup of tea or when he had always come with women every time they had met on some occasion. Always had been different women, different style but always been one thing the same…Those women had been out of her league.

Inadvertently, she had started to pull away.

Now, as she contemplated about it, it had been a good decision.

Tristan had been correct. She could not have been with the man as caliber as him.

Because no man, who had the right sense would like build a relationships with a woman like her.

She struggled with the tears that pricked suddenly at the back of her eyes. She covered her face both with her hands. A shame was the first word that crossed her mind. How she had made that decision two weeks ago and only regretted afterward.

First one week had been alright, Lara had adjusted with Joshua, Sasha’s gay client. She had been doing fine with the arrangement.

Until, she had become greedy. Or simply it had been because she’d needed more money.

And Last night, She had taken more private hire and this time, the client, was not gay…

Now the stack of money inside her purse could not wash away the compunction she felt. It was dirty money. The money she had exchanged in return for her service with her body.

She wiped a single teardrop from the corner of her good eye before she stretched out the kink in her neck, the events of last night, flooding back to her, one after the next. From the moment she had made the transaction to the moment when client had touched her.

Now, she had the urge to wash away by taking long cold shower, though she was sure, the soap and water would not be able to clean her soul from the dirtiness of all the prints of his hands on her body.

Well, the regret always came late, she thought as she squared her shoulders. However it was pointless, because sometimes regret tagged along usually with the choices and in her case, she didn’t have a choice. Thus perhaps, it was the thing she regretted. Under the most crucial circumstances in her life, she had taken that road.

Asking Abby for help had not been an option. Lara could not impose her situation on her. Though, being a prostitute or escort had not been the wise decision to make, she knew that she must live her life this way temporarily. No turning back, until she graduated from her university in which happened to be next year.

All she needed was to endure. Just what Sasha had told her; only one year. None of her friends, must know. Especially Tristan. He had to be the last person who knew.

Well, it isn’t that hard for him to be the last to know, she thought bitterly. Since he would not care and never cared about her anyway.

Lara took a deep sigh and lifted from the chair. She paced strode out along the windy road. She ignored different kind of footsteps passed her by. She did not notice the sounds of morning traffic. She did not care busy street laid in front of her eyes.

All matters for her now right now was to return to her house, to get few hours to close her eyes and tried to sleep before going to the university.

At least for that few hours she could forget everything and then after that, perhaps she could convince herself that she might get used to with the path she had chosen.

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