When I saw David my mind literally went blank. He’d been fighting again. The messed up hair and his broken glasses which he was now holding in his hands told more information than needed. I breathed in long and deep and chewed the inside of my cheeks trying to keep my anger at bay, barely crossing the line.
I squatted down to his level and gently held his face in my hands as I inspected the slight bump on his lower lip, “What happened?”
“It’s nothing,” he ripped his face away from my hands.
I sighed and simply told him to get in the car. I didn’t feel like saying anything to him after having had enough fighting with Xavier. If I open my mouth, I was pretty sure that I would do worst to David, more than he can take. Not one good word will come out. Most possibly, I would kill David with them. Quietly, he stood up and headed for the car. Xavier followed him and opened the front seat door for him. Without a word, David climbed in and sat in silence.
Nothing was getting better! I felt like grabbing and pulling out the roots of my hair myself. With the PMSing situation I was in, they were so fueling my anger to keep escalating.
Why do both of them have to fight on the same day?! One is quite enough!
Xavier waited for me at the back seat door, holding the door wide open. I blankly stared ahead... angry and desperately looking for a way to contain my anger.
“Come on, Alana,” he sighed, perceiving that I was getting more than angry.
I heaved in a heavy breath and climbed in. The fifteen minutes drive felt like a century. None of us were having the interest to speak. Silent. Dead silent as if the car would explode like a voice-triggered-bomb if one of us breath a word. Xavier pulled up at the end of the driveway. David jumped down and headed for the house without a word. I got out and slammed the door behind me with extra force. Xavier came around and held my arm softly as I was about to go in without a word or a glance, following David.
He asked in an impressively concerned tone, “Are you alright?”
I looked up at him. The concern in his eyes was as clear as mirror . . . and it simply made me more and more furious. As if he cares! When I asked him to forget about Jason, he ignored me and behaved like a complete dickhead. Now that everything’s screwed up. He cares?!
“Don’t act like you care,” I scoffed and pulled my arm away from his hold.
His face distorted slightly, forming a crease between his eyes.
“Alana,” he began but I cut him off.
“Don’t come to pick us again,” I said and started to walk homeward again.
He pulled me back and made me face him, “Wait. Alana . . .” he held my eyes and asked, “Why not?”
“Because I said so!!” I snapped.
“What’s the problem?” he frowned.
“Aarrgghh,” I groaned loudly and shouted, “Stop acting like I’m the one with the problem! Stop asking me if there’s a problem! It’s everywhere.” I shouted mindlessly. “You fought. David fought. What am I suppose to do? Stand up and rupture into a round of applause for the two of you?! I’m so sick of all this! David had never been in a fight before but after meeting you, this is the second time!”
“So what do you mean?” he narrowed his eyes at me in utter disbelief and I felt his grip on my arm becoming tighter.
“You manipulated him to think fighting is cool . . . that it’s awesome.” I fumed like a mad cow.
I knew I was wrong. But I didn’t take back my word. His face hardened. My insides shuddered in fright but it was like I was demon possessed, I just didn’t give a damn. I was ready to stand up to him no matter how far this feud will take. He ripped his heated gaze away from me, barely containing his rising anger.
“For fuck’s sake, Alana, be reasonable!” he raised his voice but he wasn’t shouting like I was, “I fucking understand he’s still a third grade kid!”
“No. You don’t understand a thing.” I shook my head. “You just keep messing up!”
His gaze was becoming more strange with mixed up passion but he didn’t say a word anymore. I was loosing control of myself, and literally of everything. I knew none of this was his fault. He wasn’t the one who started the fight. Jason provoked him. And David was a boy too, all boys gets into fights. I guess I just needed someone to blame and he was right there in front of me, for me to blow up at.
Damn, why am I even this angry?
I felt like a bitch. It wasn’t his fault. None of it was his fault. Maybe it was the stupid PMSing that was turning me into a bear.
Why isn’t he saying anything?
Kendra advised me not to mess with his patience.
Why isn’t he exploding?
Why is he still quiet?
“I’m sorry,” he said at last.
It took me by surprise like he had knocked the wind right out of my chest but he shouldn’t have said that. Admitting it himself gave me more reason to blame him.
“I don’t wanna see you again.”
I turned to leave but the firm clutch of his hand on my arm was holding me back. I looked back. His eyes spoke with emotion for the first time. I’d not seen this side of him. Softened. Lifeless. It was not anger. Was it guilt? Was it hurt? Pain? I forcefully swallowed a nervous lump. The ashen look on his face prickled my skin and they hurt me too. It was hard for me as well when he lost the usual smug expression and a poignant color took over it. And to think that I was the reason behind that ashen face felt like a slap on my face.
“Let go of me,” I said lowering my voice and dropping my gaze to the floor, unable to look at him.
He wouldn’t. He kept looking at me with a strange look on his wearying countenance. I struggled to break free but his strength was way beyond what I could wrestle with.
“Xavier, please. Let me go.” Tears were starting to pool my eyes as I looked him in the eyes.
It was hard for me too to see him this way. So I wanted to get away from him as fast as I could and forget about it, if possible. But the ever tightening grip of his hand on my wrist let me know that he was hurt and he was not at all in a situation to let me go. Not that he wanted to hurt me. But that he wanted me to stay.
His eyes were staring deeply into mine like a raging fire.
I finally fumed as I tried yanking his hand away, “Xavier, let me go!”
BUT INSTEAD OF LETTING GO, he pulled me in and the next moment I knew... He was kissing me. For a moment, I was completely taken back in astonishment and lost to somewhere only no one knew, no one, not even me, not even Xavier. My breath froze mid way on my throat and I solidified. His lips were moving fiercely upon mine with no lack of passion. Was it love? Or anger? Or neither of them? I still don’t have an answer. But that he was kissing me passionately like his life was dependent on it.
I grappled in his grip to break free but he clutched me even the more tighter that my arms began to hurt. His might was out of my league. He forced my mouth open and ventured deeper, the warmth of his breath sending spirals of chills down my bones. At some point, I couldn’t even help to fight him off. I was helplessly losing to the fire of his passion. Something about him, something about the way he was holding me, something about the way he was kissing me whispered and tempted in the deepest and the most secretive part of my soul that I should let him go on. And a smaller part of me, in fact, didn’t want him to let go of me.
But the bigger part of me, the rational part of me screamed that it wasn’t right. It shouldn’t be like this.
With that thought I snapped out of my subconsciousness. I gathered every bit of strength left in me, cast them all together at once and finally tussled out of his hold. The next thing I knew, my palm had landed sharply on his face bringing along all the spit and fury of my world. And thus, I strode off towards my house briskly without a second glance, all guns blazing.
I slammed the front door shut behind me and statued at the door, leaning onto it with my back for support before slipping down to the floor. Every part of me was trembling. My hands, my breathes, my eyelids, my ears... My lips... Trembling. I placed my trembling hands over my cheeks to cool the heat which was rising a hundred fold from my normal human temperature. It was too much of a surprise for me to take. Even as I stood at the door reeling back to the moment and playing the incident over and over in my head again like a movie, I still couldn’t believe that he actually kissed me.
Xavier kissed me.
I trailed a shaky finger over my heated lips remembering every single second of that instant, the touch of his lips, the way he held me, even the smell of his Cologne and the air of his masculinity and control. My already pounding chest had no mercy for me. It went on thumping louder and harder that I could possibly hear the beatings against my ears.
No one had ever behaved in such way to me. I felt weak at my knees. I didn’t want this, but at some point, it felt perfectly alright to be a victim of some passion new and strange.
Why? Why did it feel alright?
But I didn’t want it!
I pulled my knees together to my chest to a huddle and buried my face in between them, almost crying. Not because Xavier kissed me. It was the look in his eyes that was tormenting me; the flash of pain and hurt. It hurt me too just to look at him.
I shouldn’t keep thinking about this. I should forget it. It’s done.
But I couldn’t.
He was hurt. And I didn’t know why but for some reason it made him kiss me.
He kissed me.
I couldn’t believe he actually did it but Xavier kissed me; my first kiss.