I slammed my hands against the steering wheel, hard, after hitting my head on the it about like a fifty times utterly furious at myself.
I don’t know what the fuck happened to me. God. Why the fuck did I do that?! Well, it’s not that I didn’t want to kiss her. I wanted to. I would in any chance that I get but I shouldn’t have; not today.
She didn’t want it.
I suck. Fucking suck.
And what sucked more was that... I, seventeen year old Xavier Arquette with a dysfunctional brain, kissed his crush without her consent and earned himself an overwhelming slap.
And I definitely deserved it.
Much to my displeasure, my eyes somehow darted towards the rearview mirror and I saw Dickface.
Letting out a strangled groan of irritation, I roughly wiped my face with both palms and then again, slammed my hands on the steering wheel.
Why the hell did I do that?!
I couldn’t help it. The sight of her walk away from me was something that I was not at all prepared to see; never will I be. All I seemed to be prepared for is get closer to her more... and more. I only knew how to get drowned in her herselfness, in her Alana-ness, in her Mongrel-ness. Just drowned.
It had always been hard for me to deal with my emotions. When they walked out on me, I was devastated to the point that they made me feel like I was nobody, like some shadow even silence and invisibility too couldn’t care less to acknowledge. That was the reason why I was that screwed up. Being screwed up, fucked up was the only way for me to deal with the pain of rejection.
And it implied equally to seeing her walk away, rejecting me. I couldn’t bear to have anybody walk out on me... again. I couldn’t let her go. All the more because she was the only person I had ever wanted to be with. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to understand. I wanted her to know... that I needed her to stay. I WANTED HER. Then my demanding, fucked up instincts kicked in and I... I kissed her.
And she didn’t want it.
So she slapped me.
End of my love story.
I closed my eyes and let out a frustrated sigh as I leaned the back of my head on the head rest, clenching my teeth so tight that my jaws felt almost spongy. Now I was seated in my car and I didn’t know if I should just leave or go up the front door and apologize or call her or just let it be.
No. I can’t just let it be. She already hates me and if I just leave it this way, then I should probably forget hoping I’ll ever get to be with her again. Taking note that I have fucked up 80% of the miles far possibility. But then again, even if I walk up to the front door and knock or even try kicking the door a thousand times, she wouldn’t open it; that I know for sure. She wouldn’t even pick up my calls. So I should probably just leave.
I ran a hand through my hair, letting out another frustrated sigh then started my car. With one last glance towards the front door, I rolled the car down the street, cursing myself consistently like it was some sort of ritual to set things right.
She’s gonna fucking hate me more.
Well done, Xavier.
You deserve a shitty Oscar.
I drove down the street still thinking about her. I tried not to but it was as impossible as a chicken turning into a dog. She’s always there in my mind whether I’m awake or asleep, conscious or unconscious. Ever since she came back to town, she’d never left my mind. And with the fact that I kissed her just a few minutes ago, there was no hell of a way the thought of her was leaving my mind.
I thought of her. I thought of the kiss. I thought of how she tried to break free from my hold and how I was being such an asshole who was going nuts on tasting her divine lips and so kept kissing her. Goddammit.
By the way, she tasted insanely good.
Going home was out of my mind. I was restless. Everything kinda seemed shitty. I needed salvation. So I decided to do what I always do when I don’t seem to have no other choice to distract my mind. And that is... Finding Salvation. Until it was time, I went down to Brother Bear and got Rob to talk to me all the bullshit he can get in the world, while I sat at the bar and drank my drinks.
I felt a small hand stroke my back as I listened and watched Rob does his skilled thing of a bartender.
“Need company?” I knew that shrill, irritating voice.
Why doesn’t she fucking leave me alone!
She has made it her undeniable job to show up everywhere I am. Just fucking amazing and she even made it more stupendously amazing by showing up right after I got a slap from my crush because I fucked up.
“Not at all,” I answered keeping my gaze away from her.
I had not a grain of interest to even look at her or any other girl (still don’t); unless she is Alana.
“But you look lonely.” She pushed her tits up against my arm as if she stupidly thought that was gonna turn me on.
She should learn by now that I seriously doesn’t have a least bit of interest in her. I have even made that clear to her more than enough. But it’s like none of her senses communicates with her brain. If I could get a hamburger each every time I tell her to stay away, I would easily be able to offer free treat to half of the world.
I shifted on the stool to face her and said, “Maybe you’re right, Megan. Maybe I am lonely. The girl I want to marry slapped me for kissing her. What can be worst than that.”
Disappointment quickly took over her excited look and her shoulders dropped. I had a feeling to laugh. What exactly did she expect? But as quickly as I had seen the disappointment appear on her face, it was replaced by a seductive cat look, again, which didn’t actually work.
A pitiful cuddly cat.
“I think I can help with that.” A playful finger traced along my jawline.
“You can’t.” I looked away and checked the time on my watch.
Damien better show up.
I emptied my glass and left without a second glance towards Megan.
So it’s gonna take some time for Damien to get his jaw right. Thank God, he showed up. Fighting with him equals to satisfactory. Seriously.
When I am really frustrated or dying to break something, Damien satisfies me. Others are just puppets. He’s the Salvation.
And therefore, he was the perfect specimen for tonight. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that he was an easy prey. It’s the fact that he’s the hard prey that make things even better. Trust me, it’s no fun when you are up against a sheep, for example, Jason. But that boy pretty much messed up my temperament by mentioning my issues, so he got what I didn’t plan to give him. Well, it’s a good thing Matt came and... Yeah.
So getting back to Damien, he’s the perfect specimen because he’s determined and he’s tough. Though our hatred towards each other goes as far as from North to South, I respect him because he’s the only one in the street that has so far questioned my position. But it’s also cool that I am just as much a pain in the ass for him as much as he is to me.
But that’s another picture. Overall, I don’t like him. Point number one; he doesn’t have a limit. He practically can be named a barbarian. Also he’s a little too desperate to be the King of the street. But come on, man. A lion doesn’t go up against a deer to prove he’s the King of the Jungle. He goes against his equal, a Lion. And that’s how it should be but Damien, he’s just too desperate and so he tends to mess with almost anyone and it really is not cool. At some point, his desperation becomes quite a joke and I have the habit of cracking the jokes right on his face and truth is, the jokes never make him laugh. Instead, they help a great deal in growing horns on his dickhead.
So, I don’t do that (going against deers), except and unless I am challenged, for example, Jason again. If anyone wants to prove himself, I will give them the opportunity... with warning.
So after attaining Salvation, I drove back home feeling as good as fuck.
The light was still on when I got home.
Claire never stays up this late. Elaine, the housekeeping, must have left hours ago. And Grammy... I don’t know. Probably, she’s awake too.
Oh, I think I know why and it sucks to know that it’s what I think it is.
When I stepped in through the front door, Claire was already expecting me, standing awkwardly next to a couch, arms crossed and chewing a finger nervously. Probably she heard me pull in at the garage. Just from the tension on her face and the way she continuously kept blinking, I was assured of my assumption. She was already worried about the million possibilities of me losing my temper.
“Back?” she asked softly.
I gave her a small nod and looked towards the fully lit kitchen.
“Umm...” she attempted to say something but I beat her to it.
“Why is he here?” I asked.
“Umm... he just came to see us,” she answered tactfully.
Knowing full well that that wasn’t the real reason, yet I ignored it and thought of slipping away to my room without attracting his attention. With my already bad mood and now him here, this day was getting just fucking amazing.
“I’m going up.”
“He wants to talk to you,” Claire finally said.
And why the fuck does he want to talk to me?
“Well, I don’t want to talk to him.”
I started moving up the stairs. I was not talking to him. Not ever. But I paused my footsteps at the call of a gruff voice from down stairs.
Why in the fucking hell does he have to come here?
I turned and faced him. He was now standing at the foot of the stairs. And Grammy, she was standing next to Claire, nervous yet managed a smile for my sake.
“Had dinner?” He asked.
Oh, just shut the fuck up.
As if you care.
“Yes,” I lied.
“Join me.” Sadly, he knew that I would do anything to avoid having quality time with him.
For some moment, I stood at the mid of the stairs just staring back at him, right into his eyes, and... reliving pain. Oh, how I wished he would just go to sleep and leave me alone... like he always did.
Then my eyes darted to Claire and Grammy, who were both standing by and watching like they were expecting a bomb to explode. Not literally, but yeah, something was definitely about to be triggered. But I didn’t want to hurt any of them, not because of me or by me. So I tried to bury my frustration for their sake and descended down the stairs and followed him to the kitchen where we all sat down around the table for an ideal family dinner.
“So how’s school?” he began.
“Do you still go out in the street?”
His eyes landed on my bruised knuckles and he sighed. I mentally rolled my eyes. As if he care.
I was sitting right across him at the other end of the table and I stared hard at his face, not even once looking at my plate, trying to deduce why he cared to even come here. The more and the harder I stared at him, the harder it was becoming for him to keep up with the small talk and not just hit the real thing.
“What did you want to talk about?” Let’s just get this over with real quick.
I stared harder. The stare gradually becoming a glare.
“Come back to New York, Xavier.”
I felt my extremely-hard-to-maintain composed face immediately distort to a frown.
What the fuck did he just say?
Claire and Grammy were glancing at me and him rapidly, finding it hard to believe that he actually said that and wondering how I would react, in what manner I would blow up actually. I didn’t answer him yet. Let’s see what else he’s got to say.
“Finish your junior year here, okay. But I want you to come back to New York by senior year.”
“And why is that?”
“I want you around. It’s time you start seeing how things work in the company. You will be the one to inherit the corporation so you need to start setting your eyes on what’s important and learn how to deal with them. You can’t stay away forever. Mr. Gallagher will guide you. So come back. I will get you enrolled in the best school. You’re intelligent, I know. You just need to stop paying too much attention to music. Stop going out to the streets. None of those are gonna...”
“NO,” I cut him off.
He stared back at me calmly. Well, he knew I would refuse anyway. So why was he still trying to convince me?
“I’m not coming back to New York. I’m not leaving Carlos.”
I answered in a tone that made it clear that my decision was final.
I left New York to be away from him. Now he wants me to return to be around him?
Claire and Grammy fidgeted on their chairs.
And for Christ’s sake! I was not leaving my friends for him or the Corporation. All I cared about were in Carlos. And over that, Alana had only just came back into my life. I knew I screwed up pretty bad earlier but I was still up for the fight. I liked her a lot and I couldn’t possibly imagine being away from her again.
And here I go thinking about her again. And I’m already missing her so bad. I wanna see her right now.
“Xavier, we’re talking about your inheritance and your future here. You need to come back.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“I’m only telling you what you need to do as the heir of the Corporation. That’s your future. I know you can handle the company. I trust you. Stop pushing away what’s yours...”
I sat sulking as he went on and on about the motherfucker inheritance and hallelujah future.
Me personally, I live in the present and I only worry about the present. The future will worry for itself.
I interrupted, “I have a question.”
“What is it that you really care about . . . Me or the Corperation?”
“Xavier, I know you don’t wanna...” he began to explain but then I realized I don’t need to hear any more bullshit.
I interrupted again, “Forget it. I think I know the answer. Why are you even here?”
He was not supposed to be here. He knew crystal clear that I didn’t want to see him. He was the reason why I left New York and moved here... because I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. And it’s wonderful that he still had the nerve to come and tell me to come back to New York.
He stopped his inheritance-future speech midway and answered, “We’re a family, Xavier.”
I scoffed, “Since when.”
“I know I made a lot of mistakes and I want to fix them too.”
Wincing, I replied nonchalantly, “Don’t bother. We’re fine without you... or HER.”
“I know you hate me...”
He continued, “But I’m STILL your father.”
That brought my jaws to the edge. I clenched my teeth and stared hard at him with scorn I couldn’t hold back even if I try to.
“You don’t get to say that anymore,” I hissed and clenched my fists on the table. “You’re not my father. And I’m not your son. You never were or wanted to be in the first place and I survived. So I assure you in good faith that you don’t have to give a fuck about my future and you do whatever you wanna do with the inheritance, give it to a stranger or one of your female acquaintances. I don’t care...”
“Xavier!” his voice rose at once at the mention of some acquaintances.
Well, I’m sorry. I don’t care a shit about any of that anymore. And so I continued speaking nonchalantly with a perfectly straight face and a perfectly twisted soul.
“I don’t need you to care about my life anymore and I’m as good as fuck. So you don’t have to wreck yourself tryna look like a father. It’s tiring to look at for Christ’s sake.”
Yup. I said that.
Claire’s hand took my fist, reassuring me that she was there for me and asking me to contain my frustration.
“Xavier, it’s already been long enough since we’ve been this way. I wanna change that,” he deadened his voice to contrite.
Why is it so hard for your brain to understand that I don’t give a fuck anymore? I don’t know who is more dumb, you or Megan.
“It’s never gonna change. You can stop thinking about it and also about me moving back to New York.”
With that, I stood up and turned to take my leave.
I was at the brink of blowing up my anger but I couldn’t do that for Claire and Grammy’s sake, at least not there. They were all I have and I didn’t want to keep them in constant worry and fear. But damn, nothing nice really happens whenever he show up. Maybe it was my problem. But they made me that way. And it was getting harder to contain my anger, my hatred. Whenever he show up in front of me, all I ever know is anger, hatred, sadness, loathe and... Pain.
“Just give me a chance, Xavier. Don’t walk out on me like your mother did,” he stood up too and pleaded.
I clenched my fists tighter until they quivered and hissed darkly with loath hardly controlling the rising heat in my blood, “Don’t compare me with anyone among the two of you. You’re not my father, neither she my mother. I’m used to being parentless and I like it that way.”
He stared back at me, speechless and looking grieved but, now, it was way past the time I care about how he feels. And I didn’t want him to care about how I feel either.
With that, I headed up the stairs. Anymore minute with him, then I’ll probably screw up everything. I don’t know what I would do. I have this awful temperament issue. I’ll just fly out and hurt Claire and Grammy too. I didn’t want that. I briskly walked past Claire avoiding her gaze.
“Xavi,” she called and followed me up the stairs.
Without answering, I went straight for my door. She followed me to my room. Before she could reach me, I told her to leave me alone and slammed the door shut behind me.