Chapter 42 - This Is What Guilt Feels Like
The warm sensation of the sun caressing her skin was enough for Kate’s lids to crack open. Everything was bright, too bright, there was too much colour. Her eyes instantly clasped shut and as she tried to get up but a sharp pain shot through the her head, causing Kate to sink even further down into her bed.
Her eyes immediately flashed back open, giving the room a quick scan, absorbing the unfamiliar setting. She swayed from the long metallic green curtains that had been drawn back, to the slightly parted door that revealed a walk-in closet then to the empty side of the bed that she laid in.
It dawned on her. She wasn’t in her room.
She was in Taylor’s room and in Taylor’s bed.
So she hadn’t dreamt it. Despite being partially out of it from Kayla’s ‘healthy and fun’ drink, she could still remember everything.
A smile crept on her lips as the memories of last night slowly returned to her.
Last night Taylor had made love to her. Her fingers touched her cheeks then followed the same path down to her neck where he had kissed countless of times. Yes, she remembered everything now, every detail that made her cheeks burn. And when he was inside of her, thrusting hard and harder still as if he couldn’t get deep enough, dear lord...
She shook the thought from her head, it was make her wet and wishing that he hadn’t left her alone in his bed. But knowing him he was probably already at work. It was probably for the best given that she had fallen asleep right after that.
Damn it, Kate! Only you can ruin a perfect moment.
Well at least he spared her the awkward morning after as she wasn’t quite certain how one was supposed to react after losing her virginity.
“What if he wanted to do it again?” The little voice at the back of her head chanted.
A frustrating groan escaped her as she snuggled deeper under the covers.
Maybe it was a good thing that they didn’t, she thought.
Otherwise she failed to see how she was going to get out of bed today. Her muscles ached a little, her lips were swollen and the delicate scent of their lovemaking clung to her skin.
Their scent, she thought and smiled again. She stretched her arms, sighed and rolled onto her belly, rubbing her cheek against the coolness of his pillowcase. It still had traces of his scent. Vanilla and the hint of something delicious that she could quite grasp.
The smile on her face seemed permanent but for the life of her she just couldn’t stop smiling like a freaking teenage girl who had just been kissed for the first time ; only all of her firsts had been with him and he had been gentle, considerate and had known exactly where to touch her.
Stop it!! Kate scolded at herself.
One night with him and you’re already turning into a sex crazed idiot?!
She buried her face into his pillow and groaned.
Both the pillowcase and the bedsheets were silk; and his bed, was enormous. In all, the room fitted Taylor like glove; big, with everything in its place and it reeked of expensive brands. It was the perfect setting for a bachelor such as himself, she thought, then her smile faded.
It was perfect.
The room had been perfectly designed for this, for the seduction of a bachelor. For the hours that she had spent in Taylor’s arms last night.
How many other women had shared this bed?
There had to been many, she, herself had heard and on multiple occasions had read about his numerous conquests. A man like Taylor had never pretended to live monk’s life.
So the question was, how many others had died and was reborn in his arms, only to mourn his loss again?
Her heart quenched. How long before it would be her turn?
“For as long as it last.”
Kate closed her eyes as the words reverberated inside her head.
No commitment. No getting tied down. Nobody else. Just pleasure, for as long as it lasted. That was the deal they’d made. And she was fine with that, she told herself.
Taylor was right, this attraction between them was mutual and she had never wanted anyone as much as she wanted him. This strange yet strong need to have him kiss her and have his hands on her bare skin was both thrilling yet it scared her and half the time it also irritated her ; maybe it was because half the time he did irritate her, whenever he went back into his ‘Dickhole’ mode that is.
Feeling agitated, she rolled onto her back and stared blankly at the ceiling. It was Saturday and Brandon had given her the weekends off. She had already told her grandmother that she would be spending it with her, now if she could only make it to the bathroom and stand long enough to have a shower.
A buzzing sound came from the nightstand beside her and she turned and found her phone.
Taylor, she thought, he must have brought it up for her because she distinctively remembered dropping her bag somewhere between the living and the stairs. With lazy attempt, she grabbed her phone and stared at the screen, biting down on her lips as she did so.
She swallowed as her eyes rested on the unread text that he had just sent her.
“Fuck.” She whispered before touching her thumb on the ‘Read’ icon.
Carl: Can we meet today? I’ve arranged for a private meeting with Carla.
“Shit!” Kate cussed.
She needed to speak to Carl but not with Carla around. This was getting out of hand and she had forgotten about that, about them teaming up to bring Taylor down.
Out of all the stupid things she had done in the past this was definitely one thing that she should have really thought about and not jump right to it on an impulse; and all for what? Because Taylor had pissed her off?
“Kate, what the fuck are you going to do?”
How was she going to explain to Carl that she had changed her mind and that she wasn’t going to go through with his plan?
Hell, she shouldn’t have told him yes in the first place.
This wasn’t her.
It wasn’t how her grandmother had raised her; to lie, to sneak around and to deceive people.
Dear lord, what was she thinking?!
What would Brandon and Kayla think? She had gotten to know them and quite frankly they were nice and very accepting to towards her. How could she possibly think that it would be so easy to betray them this way?
She suddenly felt sick to her stomach and disgusted by herself.
The door swung open.
“Good morning.” Taylor said, and Kate sat up, dragging the sheet to her chin, blushing profusely while her heart flew into her throat.
He stood in the doorway, holding a tray in his hands. He was bare chested with his sweatpants worn dangerously low to his waistline, his dark hair mussled and a sexy stubble on his jaws.
A warmth spread throughout her chest. He was even more gorgeous, more masculine than any man had the right to be.
“I thought you were still sleeping. I made us some breakfast. ” He said, smiling as he closed the room and place the tray down on the bedside table beside her. “Bacon, eggs, pancakes, toast and lots of coffee.”
Dear lord, the guilt was eating her alive and him bringing her breakfast in bed wasn’t helping at all.
Somehow she managed to tear her gaze from his face and look down at the tray. She could feel his eyes on her yet she still couldn’t manage to say a word.
Say something, she told herself furiously.
She forced a smile to her lips and cleared her throat, ” You’re sure that it’s just for us? It’s enough to feed an army.”
He smiled, “Yeah,” Then it turned into a devilish grin, “But I figured that you would be just as hungry as I am.”
She looked at him.
God, she needed to think and she couldn’t do that here, in his bed with him being so fucking nice ; like a guy every girl dreams about waking up to.
Fuck! Maybe you should just tell him, and after that pray that he’ll believe you when you say that you are sorry and you didn’t even go ahead with the plan.
“Why don’t you go get cleaned up?” He kissed her. “I’ll get you a robe and we can eat out on the patio.” He murmured, his mouth against her throat.
Kate blinked and drew back. “Is that something that two people who isn’t in a relationship do?”
“It’s what we do.” He said, watching her, smiling when her amber eyes widened. “Unless, of course --” He cleared his throat, ” You don’t want too. But just so you know I was already feeding you before last night happened.”
“No.” She instantly bit out. “I mean, thank you for bringing me breakfast. But it’s just, I’m not use to this. I don’t know what the rules are.”
Taylor couldn’t help but smile, in fact he hadn’t stopped smiling ever since he had woken up. It felt strange yet weirdly refreshing. Yes, there had been many other women who had shared his bed before but most of them left the same night after sex and the few that stayed, woke up to find Ben waiting to take them home.
She was different. He didn’t want her to leave his room just yet or maybe ever. Instead of going to work early like he was suppose to, he found himself cooking breakfast and answering mails from his kitchen counter just so that they could spend at least a little time together before he had to go.
And right now, seeing her seated at the center of his bed, limned by the light of a new day with her fingers clenched around the sheets and her cheeks crimson by the effect of his presence and the memories of last night ; he couldn’t help himself from leaning down and kissing her again, then whispered against her lips, “They are what we make it Kate and if you’re not comfortable with anything then all you have to do is say the word.”
His words made her insides melt. He was being so nice. Why was he been nice to her? She sure as hell didn’t deserve it. And the way that he was looking at her as if she really meant something to him when she was indeed a lousy human being who had set out to betray him.
She struggled to keep a smile on her face. The guilt was just too much.
After breakfast, she decided. After breakfast she was going to tell him everything and whether happens next, she would only have herself to blame.
“Alright.” She mumbled and made a move to get out of bed, then hesitated.
“Can I, that is, would you mind giving a moment?”
His brows furrowed as he stared at her, but he quickly caught on. She was naked.
“Sure,” he said, getting up, allowing her more room to move about. “But you know that it’s nothing I haven’t seen before, right?”
His words sent a funny little pain through her breast. Being reminded that she was just another number to tossed aside hurt. Especially knowing that it might be sooner rather than later.
“You needn’t rub it in, you know.” She exclaimed, feeling agitated and even more so frustrated.
She swung her legs over the side of the bed before he could say anything else and stood up, dragging the sheet along with her.
“I get it. There was nothing special about last night and all this,” She gestured towards the tray of uneaten food, “Is just something that comes off naturally to you but if you don’t mind, I’d rather atleast retain some of my dignity.” She spat, then stormed off into the bathroom, leaving a very confused Taylor staring back at the closed door.