Adjusting to life as parents has been pretty easy for Kason and I. After our parents left we started our own routine that worked most of the time. As promised Kason helped train me to lose some of the baby weight I’d gain. It was fun at first because we got to spend time together but a part of me just couldn’t be happy. Although I have two beautiful sons, an amazing husband, a successful career I just wasn’t happy. Nor did I feel like my husband was attracted to me anymore.
“I’m going out with a few friends tonight.” Kason said handing me a sleeping Knox so that I could put him in his crib.
“Okay, call me if you’re going to be out late.”
“I doubt it, I’ll be back in a few hours.” He kissed both Knox and Kellan on their foreheads than gave me a quick kiss before walking out the door. I knew by his response that he would be out all night. I noticed that Kason would go out with his friends more often, which left me at home to take care of two babies by myself. It started a few weeks after he came home from the gym one night upset and has started to get worst. He’d come home either smelling like he’d been drinking all night or actually being drunk. Leaving me to have to take care of him and two babies throughout the night.
A few hours after he left the boys woke up crying because it was time for them to be fed and changed again. Once I finally got both babies to stop crying and fall asleep I waited up for him. As if on cue he walked in drunk off his ass without a care in the world.
“There she is my sexy baby mama.” He tried to give me a kiss but I pushed him away.
“Kason I just got the boys to go to back to sleep, be quiet.”
“Oh come on, can’t I make love to my wife.” He said leaning in again.
“No, you’re drunk and you stink.”
“You don’t love me anymore.”
“I do love you Kason but lately I’ve been questioning it.”
“Don’t do that, come tell big daddy Kason what’s wrong.” He tried to pull me into a hug but I pushed him away.
“No not while you’re drunk, go upstairs and take a shower.”
“Come with me.”
“No.” I helped him up the stairs and helped him get undressed before turning the shower on and putting him in. It helped sober him up some and he was able to wash himself and put on his pajamas then fall right to sleep on his side of the bed.
As I was putting his clothes in the hamper I noticed make up on his collar. Then as I emptied his pockets I found a woman’s phone number along with his wedding band. I sat on the couch downstairs trying to figure out where did I go wrong. Everything was just starting to get overwhelming for me, so I packed up the babies and left.
“Val I’m headed over to your place.” I called her while strapping Knox into his car seat. He was still asleep while Kellan was wide awake and a little fussy. But I knew once I started driving he would fall back asleep.
“Do you know what time it is Amara?”
“I need someone to talk to face to face that isn’t my husband right now. I know it’s late and I wouldn’t ask if I it wasn’t urgent. I need my best friend right now.”
“I’ll be waiting for you, drive safe okay.” When I got there she had all my cheer me up foods laid out on her kitchen table for us to enjoy. I put the twins in the portable crib I had gotten as a gift.
“What’s the matter?” She asked after she pulled me into a hug, it was then that I started to cry.
“In all honesty I don’t know, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’m glad the Kellan and Knox are here but I don’t feel happy. I take care of them of course but it’s hard when you have to do it all by yourself. Kason keeps going out with his friends and coming home drunk. To make matters worse I found a woman’s phone number along with his wedding ring in his pocket and make up on his shirt. I had a feeling that he was no longer attracted to me but I didn’t think he’d actually go out and cheat. I don’t want to believe it but I feel as if I’ve failed at being a wife and a mother.”
“You haven’t failed at anything. Most new moms go through something similar after having their babies. I think you should talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling, you might have Postpartum Depression. It doesn’t make you a bad mother if you do have it and if you do, you know I’ll always have your back. Now that husband of yours. Talk to him and if he tells you the truth decide whether or not you want to be with him and work things out.”
“Thanks for listening to me Val.”
“I’m your best friend it’s apart of my job description and plus I get to see my handsome nephews.” She said picking up Knox from the crib as he started to wake up. I noticed the time and realized it was time for the twins feeding. As I got up to warm the twins bottles my phone started ringing and I saw that it was Kason.
“He’s probably wondering where in the hell his wife and children are. Answer it.”
“Where in the hell are you?”
“Where are my children Amara?”
“Out with me.”
“I’m not in the mood for your bullshit right now.”
“It’s a good thing I’m not home isn’t.”
“What is your problem?”
“You wanna know what my problem is Kason. My problem is that my husband would rather go out with his friends then spend time at home with his wife and children. My problem is that I found make up on your shirt and a phone number along with your wedding ring in your pocket. My problem is that I can’t do this by myself and you don’t seem to understand that.”
“If you say you’re sorry I’m going to slap the shit out of you. Sorry isn’t going to cut it right now Kason.”
“Tell me what I can do to fix it.”
“I don’t know what you can do right now Kason.”
“I’m coming to get you. Are you at Valarie’s place?”
“I’ll be there soon, I love you.” When I didn’t respond he hung up. I walked back into the room where Valarie was pretending like she didn’t eavesdrop on my conversation.
“So how’d it go.”
“I know you were eavesdropping, Knox’s babble gave you away.”
“Okay I was, I’ve never seen you snap at Kason like that.”
“Whatever happens between you two I always have your back.”
“Thanks Val.” Her doorbell rang and she went to open it. I could hear Kason talking to Knox as he walked into Val’s apartment.
“Hey little man, where’s mommy?” He walked into the living room with him in his arms.
“I’m going to leave you two to talk.”
“Can you feed Knox while I feed Kellan, it’s their feeding time.” He nodded and took the bottle from my hand. We sat in silence for a good five minutes before he finally said something.
“I’m not cheating on you, I now I’ve been distant but I’d never do that to you.”
“Then give me a good reason why I should believe you.”
“I’ve been dealing with some shit from my past. I took my wedding band off because if they knew about you or the boys it wouldn’t be safe for you guys. I was planning on throwing that phone number in the trash. I have only one type and she happens to be the mother of my children and my wife.”
“Whoever these people are probably know about us from your social media accounts. If you’re in trouble let me know so that we can work through it together.”
“I don’t want you to get involved in this Amara.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Of course I trust you, there are just somethings I don’t want you to know because you are better off not knowing.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“Because if I tell you the truth about all that happened in my past, you’ll leave.”
“Kason I love you, no matter what you did in the past.”
“If you want to know it all I’ll tell you. I used to do some underground fighting to earn some money to help out my mom. It was quick money and I was pretty good until I started smoking weed. Wasn’t much at first, used it as a way to ease some of the pain that came after fights. One night I got pulled over with some in the car. My mom was pissed and told me that if I wanted to waste my life away smoking that shit to leave and not come back. I knew that if I left she wouldn’t have anyone to take care of her. So I listened and she suggested that since I liked fighting so damn much to train with Leo. I still had a few unpaid debts with the guy that I used to buy from so I was handling it.”
“Do you still smoke?”
“No, I haven’t touched it since the day I got arrested. After awhile it stopped having an affect on me.”
“I’m not happy.”
“What do you mean you’re not happy?”
“I don’t feel happy anymore Kace, I’ve got everything I wanted and I’m not happy. Val thinks I might have Postpartum Depression and it makes sense. I just feel like if I am that it makes me a bad mother.”
“It doesn’t make you a bad mother babe, it makes you human. I’m so sorry for ignoring your needs and I promise I’m here for you, you’re not alone in any of this. For better or for worse, I love you.”