The heart and brain are funny things. They aren’t really connected on an emotional level, yet they both dictate my feelings for things. They both affect the choices I make—sometimes they help me make the right choice and sometimes they don’t.
My brain makes logical choices. For example, I know that 2+2=4 and that Michael is a douche. I don’t need my heart to tell me that.
My heart acts on those raw, true and passionate feelings. Like every heart, it is prone to heartbreak. And like most hearts, my heart has experienced heartbreak. The heart is the organ that suffers the most yet still thrives. It still searches for love, for second chances.
I thought my heart was done for before I met Kai. I thought Michael had ruined any chances I had. But I was wrong. As usual.
Kai has changed me and opened my eyes. It is cheesy to think and I’m already laughing internally but Kai has made me a better person. Without him, I would be broken Ren who faked a smile most days.
Kai, the annoying, pain in my a*s man, is the love of my life.
Okay, that was disgusting. I’m not saying that ever again, no matter how true it is.
He is the man I love though. I’m certain of that. I just need to let go of Michael—the a*shole who is holding me back from love.
Michael’s apartment block is close to my old one. Since his parents are pretty rich, he gets to have a more expensive place.
When I reach the block, I take a deep breath. Doing this is going to take a lot of strength. Michael was my first love. I hate saying it but it is a fact.
He will always be a part of my life in some way.
I will never forget about him, no matter how much I want to.
After announcing my arrival, Michael reluctantly lets me in the building. When I go head to head with him, that’s when I notice the fear in his eyes. Michael is scared of something. Is it me? Or Kai?
“What are you doing here?” He demands, straight to the point. He quickly masks the fear in his eyes and puts on a confident facade. But I can see straight through it. Michael can fool everyone else but he will never fool me. Not again.
I purse my lips together in annoyance. It seems he is still rude.
“I’m here to talk to you, dumbass,” I retort sassily, adding an eye roll just for amusement.
He scowls at me but for some reason, let’s me in without a fight. I guess he knows we have some unsettled business that needs to be resolved.
Michael leads me down the familiar hall I used to spend a lot of time walking down, to his small yet luxurious living room.
He doesn’t offer me any refreshments—not that I would accept any. He simply parks his butt on the expensive-looking sofa he has and gives me an expectant look.
“So you want to talk,” he starts. “So talk.”
This is it. This is what I have wanted for a long time—a chance to tell Michael how I feel about everything. I can yell at him, curse at him. I can do whatever I want.
However, instead of doing any of that, I simply take a seat and inhale.
From the corner of my eye, I catch Michael giving me a confused look. He was probably expecting me to put a fight.
A smirk appears on my face when I realize I’m shoving all of Michaels rude comments up his ass.
“Why are you smirking? Are you thinking about your boyfriend punching me in the face?” Michael spits, knocking me out of my thoughts.
“Actually, I was thinking about me punching you in the face.” I retort, smugly.
Michael scowls again and shuffles uncomfortably in his seat. My reminder doesn’t sit well with him.
“Whatever just spit out whatever you need to say, I don’t have time for your bullshit.”
Giving him a dirty look, I begin my speech.
“I’m here to tell you how I felt about everything. This is what most people call closure.”
“But none of us are dead.” Michael cuts in, frowning.
“You don’t have to have a death to need closure. People in relationships can find it too.” I explain, irritated.
“Michael.” I interrupt him, sternly. “Shut up.”
That does the trick.
His mouth shuts, quicker than that one time I sprinted 100m in 16 seconds. I’ll have you know, I was like Usain Bolt. Faster than lightning.
With his mouth shut, I continue.
“For a while now, you have consumed my thoughts. You have made me someone I hate, someone who worries about finding love again. When you told me I wasn’t good enough for you and that I was too immature to be in a relationship, you changed me. I became very insecure. For months, I did things I wasn’t proud of. All because of you.”
I take a shaky deep breath. Now that I’ve started talking, I don’t want to stop.
“But then I met Kai, the handsome, cocky and annoying Kai. The man who made my heart skip a beat. The man who annoyed the hell out of me. And for the first time since you, I felt something real.”
“But I was too scared to act on my feelings because of you. Your words stopped me from being happy. Whilst I should hate you for doing this to me, I can’t. I did once. Oh boy, I hated you so much. But then I realized that I wasn’t the one who was insecure in the relationship. You were.”
“You were scared of getting serious with me so you said I was the one who was not ready for the next level. You’re the one who was immature Michael, not me. So all I can feel for you is pity that you are like that. I feel sorry for your next relationship. I feel sorry the girl who is going to have her heartbroken because of you.”
Michael doesn’t say a thing to me. He stares at the floor, deep in thought. His shoulders are hunched over and his hands are clasped together. All in all, he looks like a man who has had enough.
The next thing I do is surprising and unlike me.
I approach Michael cautiously and wrap an arm around his shoulders. That’s when he breaks, right in front of me.
Floods and floods of tears flow down his pale cheeks. He cries his heart out, his broken soul.
As he does this, I wonder what made him broken. When I first met him, he didn’t seem broken. He seemed healthy and okay. Did something happen to him in our relationship? Or was he that good at hiding the pain he felt?
“I—I’m, s-sorry,” He manages to say, through hiccups.
I rub his shoulders soothingly and whisper comforting words into his ear. I don’t think I can completely forgive Michael yet but maybe one day.
“I—I did love you,” He stutters and sniffles. “I loved you a lot, Ren.”
My heart skips a beat at his words. After worrying for so long if he did love me, if what we had was real, I finally have the confirmation I need.
Michael did love me, once.
“I—I was scared. Scared of you, scared of the feelings. But most of all, scared of myself. I’m broken, Ren. So broken. I have been for a while before we started dating. You didn’t deserve someone like me. I never deserved you.”
Hearing his words is heartbreaking. Michael is exactly where I was when we first broke up. I was a mess like him. I thought I wasn’t worthy of anyone. He thinks the same.
“I’m sorry things ended the way it did but I’m glad you have found someone else.” Michael tells me and for the first time, I see authenticity in his eyes.
“Thank you,” I reply, softly. “Thank you for opening up to me and telling me this. Thanks for giving me closure.”
Michael gives me a small smile. “You deserve it.”
This chapter needs editing but yeah, I thought I would post this now. I hope you enjoyed it.