Everyone has a feeling they hate or when something happened to them that they never want to relive that moment they just want to forget about it forever. But when you are standing next to a casket and it is being lowered into the ground it makes you realize those opportunities you had with that person is gone forever, you had your chance to love and make memories together. A tear escaped from my eyes and I didn’t even bother whipping it off, I couldn’t take my eyes off my mother’s casket being lowered 6 feet under the ground.
The rain had finally stopped, but the drops that disappeared into the trees finally escaped and dropped around us with the whispering off mother earth underneath our feet and the sound of women sobbing together is all what you could hear. I looked up trying to find my dad’s eyes, but he kept on staring at the ground his hands in fists trying to stop him from crying.
That day I should have realized that my dad will push me aside, find himself a new bride and forget about the love of his life. My dad pushed himself into work avoiding me and the fact that mom was gone, he used his work to get away from the reality and one day he showed up with a woman that could be my sister. She was friendly and nice, but I didn’t want another mother I wanted mine and only mine not a silly girl who is a play toy for my dad.
My dad didn’t care about my feelings, no he didn’t care how I felt about these new arrangements and changes he just went ahead asking her to marry him. In a months’ time my whole life changed, we moved to a new neighbourhood, new school and new faces I did not like. With this and that my dad not giving me time I started dancing and not any dancing but battle dance offs. My homework start falling behind, my marks went down the drain and I became rebellious. Each day I would end up in the principal office for my behaviour, if it was not homework it was my pranks. I made trouble at school, I was always in fights, and I talked back to the teachers and never did my work.
Never did my dad console me or tried to talk to me about my behaviour, no he just talked to the principal who dismissed me. I became irritated and coloured my hair black, with blue highlights and started wearing darker clothes and cutting myself off from the world. I had no friends; I was seen as a freak and seen as a disappointment to my family. My aunt, my mother’s sister Annie tried to help me but I wouldn’t listen I wanted my dad’s attention and I was going to do whatever it took to get his attention even if I had to kill myself. My two best friends left me; Jaylin was the oldest she took care of us three and the dance crew. But she grew up and left for Los Angeles, Camille left 2 years later to San-Francisco and here I am all by myself. The crew fell apart after the two of them left. So I had basically just my dad and his new fiancé and kid.
My dad never spoke to me about my mom’s passing and how I felt about it, he pushed a new woman into our lives expecting me to welcome her with open arms, but little did he know he pushed me further away from him. We were buys falling apart; we couldn’t talk to one another without fighting or him scolding me for being such a bad person.
I know what I have done and still do is wrong, but I wanted him to see that I was in pain I want him to see how hurt I am by doing the obvious thing. Getting into trouble. You can say I was looking for attention, then maybe I am but there was a different situation in my story. I was a girl that was broken, she lost her mother and she needs her dad to help her and to love her.