Chapter 15: Loneliness
You could have everyone and still be alone.
You could have no one and be happy with your own company. Or hate it.
Loneliness is a funny thing, and most people are scared of it. Because when you have no one, what is there to life? Trapped inside your own head, your thoughts are the only real words you hear. Unless you talk to yourself. And that’s just crazy.
The truth is, we’re all crazy. But being lonely makes us crazy.
Wanna know something else? Everyone’s alone. You. Me. Her. Him.
No one knows what’s going on inside someone else’s head and no one will ever understand. No one can help you. You’re forever alone. Does that scare you?
You have no one. Does that make you want to run and hide?
You’re already hiding, did you know that? No one knows who they are, so everyone hides.
You might as well be the only person in the world. But even then would you know who you are?
It’s a funny thing.
From the moment Alice and Austin left, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
The days had gone by slowly, and books had been my only friend. I was alone without them. I had nobody. And it sounds kind of lame, the fact that I only ever had two friends, but that was enough for me. Now, they were gone.
I had considered going back to the library, but I didn’t think I could face him just yet. There was something about him that put me on edge, yet something else that drew me in. He captured my attention in a strange way. A way that made me stop. I felt that going to see him again would take some mental preparation.
But if I went back, would I seem desperate? He hadn’t asked to see me again, it would be rude to assume. I needed a friend, but what if he wasn’t interested? I didn’t think I could deal with rejection. I’d dealt with it one to many times in my life.
I wasn’t popular, and I probably never would be. People knew me around school, but not for the right reasons. ‘The Girl That Reads’ was my nickname, and people didn’t give me a chance because of it.
“For a girl that reads, you’re pretty thick.” Someone had once said to me. Because I wasn’t the brightest, not at all. I wasn’t even achieving high in English.
I was completely alone before Alice and Austin joined the school, and all I did was walk around with my head in a book. People laughed at me, pretty much all of the time. And then things changed.
Alice and Austin were loved by almost everyone. There was something about them that drew people in. I could never quite understand what it was. And surprisingly, out of all people, Alice and Austin got drawn to me.
Since we became friends, the three of us, people began respecting me more. But I couldn’t help but wonder though, now that they’d gone, if I would go back to being what I was before. The laughing stock of the school.
“Kirsten?” I heard my mums voice from the doorway.
“Can I come in?”
I quickly swiped away the tear on my cheek, before letting my mum in.
She looked at me, sitting cross legged on my bed with books scattered around me, and sighed.
“You’ve been sat up in your room everyday since they left,” she looked at me with sad eyes, “What’s wrong Krissy?” Her voice was soft.
Now it was my turn to sigh, “I’m just missing them.”
“I thought the least,” She wandered over to my bed and sat down beside me, placing a pale hand on my shoulder, “I’m sorry it had to happen darling, it’s going to take a little getting used to, them not being around.”
I nodded, the thick lump in my throat rising to the point where I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Suddenly, I broke. Snapped like a rubber band. And before I knew it, I was a crying mess in my mums arms. She stroked my hair and sang softly beneath her breath, trying to sooth me.
“I have no one now mum,” I sobbed, “I’m alone.”
“You have me,” She replied, pulling me closer, “But I know it’s not the same.” She admitted.
“Not really.” I could barely speak through the tears.
“Do you want to know something Kirsten?” She turned her eyes on me, a sudden wave of sadness washing over them, “I wouldn’t of been able to get through losing Nala if I didn’t have you. You eased the heartache.”
Another sob broke from my chest.
“In life,” she continued, “you are going to lose so many people. I hate to say it, but one day you’ll even lose me. But when that day does come, I will always be with you. I won’t ever leave.
People have a tendency to run away from their problems, but I really hope you find someone one day who will stay with you ’till the end. Because love may not make someone stay forever, but it sure does give them a reason to.”
I looked up at my mum, the woman I loved more than anyone else in this world.
“Thank you mum.” I whispered.
“No need to thank me,” she kissed my forehead, “now get out of this house and do something, you’ll go crazy if you stay between these four walls. The best medicine is distraction. Go find yourself one.”
And with that I was gone. Out of the house and away from those four walls that contained my loneliness. But even though I’d left it behind it still followed me. And that made me wonder,
is the reason for people running away to escape their loneliness? Or will it just follow you no matter where you go?
I’d made a decision to go and see him.
Because little did my mum know, I’d already found my distraction.