The last letter
Sometimes I wonder…How are you ? Where are you ? Are you thinking of me ?
I know you may not, you probably forgot me. Like a lot of people did. You may be interested in a girl. She may be your girlfriend now. Even your wife.For you, she's your life. The only thing you can think of. Just her smile makes your brown eyes shine, just her voice makes you smile. And when she says your name…
Oh Lord, you are in Heaven. She must be beautiful, for someone as you. She's probably smart, you like intelligent conversation… right ? She must like to move a lot and not care how she looks. She's outspoken, bolt, friendly, a social butterfly. I'm sure that everyone likes or girls/women are envious of her, but she doesn't care…
Because she got you.
The first time I saw you, you were nothing. I was here, you were there. Then I knew your name and how you were in classes. Everyone liked you in a way, there never was a moment that we felt bored; you could make everyone comfortable. At least to me. And well you could make the teachers laughs…
Then I started to admire you. I can be outspoken and bolt, but… now I'm not and that's what people see. I don't really feel comfortable on my skin even if I accept myself as I am and don't like that people want me to change just because they want to. I don't feel pretty… all the time. When I think like that, I look away then at the mirror and think "Ah… What the hell am I thinking? I'm not pretty… Those clothes aren't for me…" I don't feel embarrassed for what I like, but that's not a reason to tell everyone.
I'm actually bubbly with my friends; I don't care if it's a few… I prefer that than having a lot of people which I don't feel like to share something.
The moment I started to having some interest on you was when you talked to me. Not a "Your teacher just walk away." Or "Your bag is open." Or even a "You forgot that…"But a real talk. At least you did the talk part; I just heard what you wanted to say.
Sorry. I'm romantic and all but… I don't remember every word you said. But I remember the meanings of them. I remember your eyes and how it was such a strange sunny day even though it wasn't yet spring. I loved, still love, your eyes. They are brown, same color of a lot people eyes, but for me they were unique.
I also loved your voice, your laugh. How your cheeks turned easily red from laughter or from embarrassment. I think I'm one of the rare people who saw your shy side. A true side of you.You could be a real jerk sometimes because of your cockiness but you never wanted to harm someone, if so, it was to protect.
Remember how you defended our classmate from another one, the guy hurt the girl and didn't even wanted to apologize? You got detention but you didn't care that way, you were mad because he didn't get it. Well… you did overreacted.But I was on your side. The embarrassing thing was you heard me when I was talking on the corridors. I didn't know you were at the principal at that time, with the door open. I saw a mother of one of your friends who tried to stop you; you were there, with your friend. Everyone looking at me with big eyes, I was the shy and nice girl. Not with a lot of good grades, average on some but still! I ran away feeling embarrassed. You never said a word. You were shocked (like everyone else, even my friends) but the next day you smiled at me.
When my friends "guessed" my feelings towards you, there was screams, shout and laugh, squealing from another one. They said two things completely different, my best friend: "I can't believe you like that asshole. I hate him!" and an "Oh my god, you have a crush on him! It's so cute!" from the other one. So I just went screaming "I don't like him that way. I just admire him." while I was blushing.
Then time passed and I confessed to them.
I remember I looked at them then at my shoes, they were quite interesting. They were black you know. I felt hot and surely I was blushing, then I looked at my right and saw you talking with your best friend and looked away. That's when I said: "I guess I have a crush…"Those two whispered simultaneous the same thing: "You love him…" I never would have imagined those three words. Why? How? And, what the hell? They were always teasing me for that, even before I felt something for you.I got some problems because the friend who was happy for me liked you before. A lot of girls liked you. And I didn't ever want to like the same guy of a friend. I could never do that.
But hey, we are talking about you after all. You do the impossible without even thinking about it.
I liked the way how nice you were with me, how we could think alike. I would have a question but never dared to ask it, but you asked the same question the same time it popped in my mind. Our last year at that school, it was our second time in the same class but I wasn't on Latin, I did Greek.You were almost everywhere. I was outside, you would be. Cafeteria two or three tables away but still where we could see each other. Sometime even at the same table. You liked to ask me for my dessert (one day you asked for my ice-cream and I took outback with my straight "no".)
I liked you. I loved you. I hated you.You make me smile. You make me blush. You make me laugh. You make me cry. Because of you I wanted to scream, I even cried at school how hurt I felt. I thought it was pathetic, that I was pathetic. And when I thought I would never forget you for making me feeling like that… you smiled at me.
Break comes, I forget (I thought) you. I see you and asking how was our break… And here we go again for another tour of our usual rollercoaster.
See… The problem is you never knew this. Or maybe yes. There were times where I felt like you knew but didn't want to ask. But there was also the times when I thought "how more dumb guys can be ?".
Then I moved away. I never knew the date until I told myself that I would confess on that week. And here goes my mother saying "this Friday you're not going at school. We're moving." How ironic. I think it was a message from Eros to say that it wouldn't work; you didn't like me that way.Problem is… For it to be love, it should last more than four months. And maybe that's way couples broke up at seven or six months. As for me? One year. Two years. Three years. Maybe even four years…I think I'm masochist… But I don't care. I loved the way you maked me feel. I was, for once, excited to see the world and go to a place I'm usually scared. I started to talk more, wear clothes I usually don't wear at school.
At first you were nothing.Then you were a classmate.Graduate a level for that boy.You were my crush.And from there, you went to be my first love.
How can someone cry but still smile? How a simple person could feel no regrets for feeling it but still regret for "not trying"? People said that we would form a perfect couple, but did we even give it a chance? The answer is a big No. But did we think about it? My answer would be a yes, but what about you ?
At that time, you didn't wanted to be in a relationship yet. You wanted to graduate.
Do you still think the same way? Or did you changed?
I don't know. I cried and laughed a lot will hearing some songs. Reading, I imagined you and me. I was silly, a stupid girl who was in love for her first time. Sometimes I think I see you when I go back to that city, where everything started. Sometimes I imagine you looking after me. Did that ever happened? Not for me.
But you met my best friend who didn't move away.
Isn't that ironic? She hated you because you are better than her? A summary of a cliché high school story. I would make fun of her saying "Aren't you in love with him?" She knew you longer than I. even your birthday, what you liked, what you disliked. Wasn't I supposed to know that since the beginning? Of course now I know but not before.She would scream how crazy I was to think about that and I would laugh saying I was just teasing her. But in the end I still doubted it. Hate can easily turns into love. Like love turns into hate.
One time she call me. We started to talk. And then she said it…
"Did you knew he taint his hair?" How the hell was I supposed to know that?"No. How would I know that?" "Well his hair now is black.""…" I said nothing; I was trying to imagine it on you. It sure looked good. "I still like it brown though…""Yeah… It was a lie you know? Just to see your reaction." But I didn't felt like it was a lie."And so… Why is he on our conversation? Thought you hated him." I asked, feeling not so good and enthusiastic like before. Even if it felt like love… "Well, thought you wanted to know about it. Since you love him and all…" Knew you were lying. "I don't love him anymore." It was true; I was in midway to forget about those feelings."Well so I was walking back home when I see him. Or he saw me? Whatever. And he ask me how I was and those stuffs.""You met him on the streets?" I was jealous by now. Why it's always you…"Yeah. So he asked me how I was, life and everything else and then walk away.""Oh… Anything else?" Please say that he asked at least how I was in this new dead city…"No. You're okay with that right?""Of course I'm okay! I don't love him remember? And I always thought you would form a cute couple!" I said trying my best to keep enthusiastic like before. I even had a smile on my face."Eww… I hate him! He's a cocky asshole."Lies…"No he's not and you know it. How many times do I have to tell you, there's a thin line between hate and love?"I'm not going to hate you just because you're in love with him…"Yeah you know what? All this talk about him makes me remember I got homework to do. Call you later.""Later…"
And that's the part where I fell on my bed, hug my big pillow and start to silently cry. There was always this part on me who screamed at me: "He isn't looking at your way for you, but for your best friend." "He's just nice to you because he want some cookies points for you best friend." and all those dark thoughts. Actually a big part of me knew that we weren't meant to be together. It's just hard to admit it.
I could never have you because I was just simple and plain me. And you were you.
I just want to tell you this, and this thing I always wished for you since the beginning. And that's why I sent you the letter. After we meet again at the school meeting and saw you with her, a ring on her finger and a beautiful smile on her face.
"I wanted to tell you: Sorry and Thank You.Sorry because I didn't said it before those three words. No don't ask it now, yoursmarter than that.And a special thank you for:Being here and there, giving some hope. You were at first a simple classmate, went to be a crush and then… My first love.I'm not going to forget you. I may have a horrible memory for names and numbers in the lessons, but I always remember the faces of people I met in my life.Also… I can't imagine myself forgetting about you.Thank you for making me feels happiness and love toward someone. It's been a long time since I felt happy and truly smiled and laughed. Also special credits for making me cry. (I may laugh while reading it, but it's not a joke, I hated you for that.)I thank you for your compliments for my work about that story. I really hope you read my book though! You better keep your promise. By the way, all our previous classmates should!Because of you, now I understood what love is. It really can make me blind but sorry… Even love couldn't make me that blind to not see your faults: you can be way too much cocky; you should keep your temper in check. But time can make you work it.
Isn't that the magic of growing up? I'm not talking about height here ! You're way too tall for us.
Another sorry for: I write a lot. You better read it 'til the end !I'm happy that you found love. That you found the perfect woman for you, marry her and a perfect health for you future children. I think you are a man of at least two children.Hope your dreams turns into reality and that you have a perfect life as it can be.
Also take good care of her. You and her are lucky and mostly a cute couple.No. I'm not jealous I hope you still know me for being someone honest.And yes, I really wanted to beat you up for making me this sad but also hug you for making me happy. Even if you dumb boy didn't knew what the hell you were doing.Also, a lot of the girls liked you. They were even flirting with you, but you didn't care about that. You wife should be proud and happy about it. You were the biggest heartbroker.
As for me… I'm living my life. No worries, I still write. As for my health… No need to worry about it. I'm still smiling and alive. And I was right! It's genetic.If I found love? I don't know. We are all different but similar in a way. No one can be you (don't take it as a personal compliment nor as an insult), but yeah I did find some people in the end who makes me smile. If this is love ? I don't know. Maybe.Well… it's not what I felt for you.Well I'm going to end this letter. I'm boring am I not?
My name rhymes with yours but only because it ends with the same letter."
Thank you for reading it!
It's based on true life because : there's true events and because everyone have those kinds of experiences. At least a lot of people.
It's a story. Let it be dramatic.
I believe that we all felt (or would feel) like this. It's a mix of mines and another woman feelings. Who ? I don't know her, but I do know that she exist. And she must know that she's not alone. How many young women cried because of a one-sided love ? How many of them told me "to confess because the so many what if will kill me" ? I can't count it with my two hands.