I had finally reached the point where I wondered; could I ever forgive myself for the past? Instead of just aimlessly living my life, moment to moment, an inner collapse of everything stored within me had finally occurred. Perhaps it just needed to happen, but I had spent so long trying to avoid it that it felt so belated, so overdue. It tumbled and burst all at once, and I must have cried for hours. It was accompanied by a collage of colourful and vibrant memories, thousands of little pictures flying past. I suddenly felt myself years younger, how I was then, and I recalled a sense of innocence and lightness of being. And then, a sense of regret that those feelings of freedom from hurt and pain were now gone. But did I do it to myself? That's all I could ask. Did I want to, subconsciously perhaps, make myself tougher to the world? Well it didn't work, not at all.
I did try to destroy those parts of myself I perceived as weaker. The world didn't want my innocence, my naivety. How could I compete in a place that seemed so callous and hard? And when I realized this, I thought of you. After all, you were the one who showed me that I had to be stronger, especially when you went away. You left me unprotected in this big wide world, and it took me. In one ravenous, blood-thirsty bite. You were my first love, and you broke me.
I don't hate you any more. But all of us that you left behind, we're still hurting, we're still here. I am still here. And it feels almost like I am still, after all this time, waiting for you to come back.