I should’ve been sad. Cry even. To hear Josh betray us. Betray me. To leave me without any reasons. I should’ve been bowling my eyeballs out. Like one of the patients in the facility used to do when she saw her fiance die in an accident. Like Grace used to when mom died. When every time she looked at me. That’s what people do when they hear the person you loved more than anyone else is dead. Don’t they? This is how society works, I think. Isn’t it?
Then why can’t I?
Why can’t I just stop feeling? Instead of throwing myself at someone I don’t even know. Who makes me clutch the bedsheet in anticipation. Who offered to help even if he could’ve just said no.
“Is it ok?” A gruff finger trails their way to my neck. It’s a pointless question. But I nod anyway.
It’s Ok, Gwen.
Just let him wash away your numbness. You need to cry. You need to remember Josh. You need to forget that night.
“Fuck Kitty!” Before I can think anymore, he has his lips against me again. Biting, tasting, giving. His fingers running along my long hair in a desperate frenzy. Such an unusual act. His touch doesn’t bring back a thousand worms running around my body feeling. It only brings...a fire starting from my toe. Not the kind that burns me, the kind that ruins me.
Just as he promised.
I don’t know who starts undressing first. Me or him. I’m not a match to do anything other than waiting for him to relieve me from the suffocating orange tops Debra chose for me to wear. His own follows next, recklessly thrown into the dark corner.
His eyes never leave mine when his lips follow the trail of a path from my neck to the part of my chest bare to him by the bra. Or is it my imagination when for a second he gulps like he doesn’t know what to do?
“How many would be she worth if we take her to the club to share? Prez wouldn’t mind. Hell free pussy, imagine it.” No, no, no...Not now. They can’t have me now. They need to stay in the corner. Nightmares can’t take me away. I won’t allow it.
Though he doesn’t dwell on the fact for long that I’m impatient for his touch. In a second he has removed my bra and his thumb tugging at my hard bud. My body stiffs arching on to my back. Harsh whimper fills my ear. Someone is crying alright. But not in pain. Not in lost love.
They are crying for more.
“Beautiful, Kitty. So beautiful.”
“She’s so dirty. Do you think she would survive the day?” I have to. I have to live. One step at a time.
“I didn’t lie. You are beautiful.” He repeats again as if chanting them in his head.
I can’t be beautiful. No, he doesn’t think that either. His eyes are on my eyes not on the rising and falling drums of my breasts. Whatever he sees in them urges him to pin me flat on the mattress and making me feel just how much he wants me.
Thicker than I’ve thought. Harder than his clenched jaw. That much I’m sure when my fingers brush over his hard-on. Fingers help me unzip his pants and then I’m touching him, feeling him, taking him. All of him.
His ocean blue eyes burn, watching my every reaction. He feeds on my broken moans, his grip on my hips harsh as if he can’t control himself from what he’s feeling. Stroking him at a slow pace, his hips slams into my hand. Oh God...it feels... Fuck! I haven’t felt like this since...
This fact makes me laugh inside. I have never felt pleasure, not an orgasm either. Even before Josh’s mark was on me, I was tainted. He was too late to make me his. Just like too late for me to feel him now.
Yet I’m OK.
Warm mouth latches onto the hard nipples that I have to curl my finger into his hair to keep him there. He laps, sucks, bites, his teeth grazes and I scream. Crying doesn’t do it for me anymore. My lung has a new harmony. He doesn’t disappoint me through. His hands are already working between my legs. The wet sound of a finger swiping over the length of my slit has me jerk in surprise. How does it even feel...Oh, in and out, slow and fast. Two, three or more invades me that I can’t bite back the screams threatening to break out.
Surprisingly Josh doesn’t break into my mind to shame me farther. He doesn’t scold me for letting Seth’s finger deep in my pussy. He truly forgot about me. He’s truly gone.
I’m too greedy to stop Seth when his lips take mine in a harsh kiss. It’s hunger for each other. An unknown emotion I can’t figure out in his eyes.
“Come, Kitty. Come all over my drenched finger.”
Oh, God...White light blinds me, the scream unexpectedly leaving from my lips. All I know is I’m floating, I’m free and soon he’s joining. My hands are now drenched in him. In his scent, his essence.
“What do you want me to do?” His request is delivered in a pained rasp. “Tell me, Kitty, how do you want me? Long and hard or slow?”
I want him any way he can offer me.
With a groan, his eyes lift to meet mine. But this time they don’t share the inhuman lust. This time he’s tired. He’s...slipping away from me. Literally and figuratively. And I can’t stop him when he jumps from the bed as if...as if I repulsed him.
“Shit!” His pants are still bunched around his ankle. Though I’m sure he doesn’t care about it. He’s too busy trying to avoid me. “Fuck! What have I done?”
It’s hard to suck in air. It’s harder to get rejected.
You thought he cared? Fool you are indeed Gwen.
“I-I am sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. Not now...not like this.” Still, he doesn’t leave me. A hand rakes through his hair messing them even more but his eyes are on me. For what? I’m sorry. Is this him apologizing?
“You’re my responsibility, not a fucktoy. I’m sorry.” His words are deadlier than him. They cut deep than Josh’s death does. This time the warm feeling over my cheeks is real. The tear he winces for is for wrong reasons. And as ridiculous it sounds I’d rather be his...fucktoy than nothing.
Maybe he realizes too as I feel a hand capture my cheek and kisses it softly. I’m already in his embrace, his face too close for me to handle. And so I burn again as he holds me the whole night. The realization renders me speechless. His touch might ignite my deepest salvation, but the worst thing about him?
When I realize that he’s going to ruin me anyway...