I doubt he has had a good sleep in a long time. His eyes are still black but the swelling has gotten to the point that if someone was closer only then they would see the damage caused by the explosion.
“My old man is helping me walk like a toddler. How do you think I’m doing, Snipper?” Ouch. Ok, I deserved that one.
“Honestly can’t say ever had the experience, but oh well, at least you are breathing. One month ago even I couldn’t say if you will be alive. But you always have to be reckless right?” Was I being salty? Perhaps. Did it mean I didn’t care? Fuck no.
“No joke.” Lethal agrees with me. “This casting thing is really starting to question my sanity. I might be fucking insane, but this is a whole new level of torture...even for me.”
“You don’t say.” I might not be with Lethal when he was getting therapy but I need to be with Gwen every moment after her operation which is scheduled for next week.
In this one month, she avoided me like I was some kind of disease. Can’t believe I wasn’t blamed for. Everyone just gave her hope that I was a good man who was going to help her no matter what. They were right. I was going to help her as best as I can. But still that night...I could not let go of that night. Every fucking time I would remember and it would make me want her bad. Her scent would drive me crazy enough for me to leave the clubhouse for a ride at midnight.
Because I couldn’t take her. It wasn’t right.
Even if Reaper laughed at my face saying I just go for it after having a long night of drinking, I couldn’t. They saw what she wanted them to see. A strong woman who was capable of living her life without any worry. But what they didn’t see how hard it was to sleep knowing she was in the next room chasing nightmares. Sometimes I heard her scream, sometimes whimper of pain leaving from those lips.
And sad to say I wasn’t enough. This...whatever she was going through wasn’t going to vanish just because I wanted to.
“Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere.” Lying comes easy these days. “So, what about Xavier? You want to make him pay still?”
“I have to. No one fucks with the cartel and that son of a bitch is trying to do just that. And he’s using the Serpents as his sick bait. Of course, I still want his head.” As much as I hated to say this, I agree with Prez. I’m already in a deep sea of confused emotions. The last thing the club needs is another out of mind Serpent.
“Then I will send Rider and Tucker a signal to head towards Mexico. It’s not much but we have searched every area near Southside and New York. The bastard is nowhere to found.” Lethal’s expression is grim when he nods through Xavier’s not the reason for his sudden mood change.
And she’s standing at the door looking like a deer caught in headlights. For once she looks uncomfortable and I’m quick to give her a warm smile. I know like her sister, she’s going through something. Lethal helps her and I’m incapable of doing the same to her sister.
What a fucking useless...
“I’ll see you later, Prez. I’m going with Gwen and Grace.” He doesn’t say anything only leaving a grunt.
“Hey, Seth.” Grace acknowledge me with a nod but her eyes are stuck looking ahead of me. To no wonder Lethal’s.
“Vixen. I gotta go.”
She looks exhausted just like us but she’s determined to hide that behind a smile. “OK. Just check in with Gwen in the way. It looks like she’s craving your company again.”
Craving my company...my ass.
Kitty’s finding ways to hurt me without knowing. Knowing that I can never touch her yet giving me those looks of longing. Giving me hope that I can fucking get rid of her nightmares when even I know I’m going to fail anyway. It’s just going to be another disaster like my infatuation with Grace.
At least I got over that once my mind started showing the truth that I only loved the idea of Grace.
The words hold a familiar feeling of recognition. I not only got stupid, but I also got desperate. Fuck! Even the prisoners in the basement have a better chance of breathing freely than me.
“See you two.” With that, I’m already out of the door and crossing the kitchen to get to the other side of the clubhouse.
The guest room is still rusty to look at. The thin walls making anyone passing by to hear what the people are talking about inside the room. Fucking hell...I’ve to change her room.
“Hey, it’s only a week. You will barely feel a thing when you’re up running and talking.” I can hear Ginger talking. I’m too busy hearing Ginger whining to pass off a distant voice. I’ve heard it once and twice in a month but it’s clearly not enough. I want to hear her again and again. I want to hear her say show me yet again. So much that I’m tempted to just leave her with Ginger.
I come to a complete stop. It’s funny how with only two words she has nailed me to the ground. Now I’m intrigued to know what hurts her. Me or the nightmares? Am I even an option for her?
“What hurts dear?” Ginger is serious. Her voice comes off as a warning cause I know Kitty has taken quite a while to answer. “Don’t hide from me, Gwen. I’m not Snipper.”
If there was an option to take a bullet this will be the time. Why is Ginger taking my name with her? I’m curious to know. But the fear of knowing she might hate me enough to get hurt overpowers for me to open the door with a thud.
Both eyes take me in with visible fear. Though I’ve eyes on my scared Kitty, my words are for Ginger. “Leave us.”
Apparently Ginger doesn’t want to involve in whatever I’ve to say as she leaves quickly as if the devil is on her ass. The moment her ass is out of the door, I lock the door. Thump, thump, thump.
Whose heart beats faster? Mine or her?
“Hey.” Hey? Hey!? This is the only thing I fucking got?
“Are you Ok? Vixen said you were craving my company?” Mayday! Wrong thing to say. My mind screams for me to keep silent but the damn has broken. There’s no leash to keep my tongue from forming words. “Why the fuck did you act like you wanted my company?”
If her widened eyes were giving the emotions of fear, now she’s only staring at me with a blank look. No anger, no confusion. Just nothing.
You fucked up- my mind screams but I can’t stop fucking up.
“Now you won’t even talk. So why the fuck am I here?”
Then get out- I think her eyes convey the words she can’t say. Yet I’m surprised when she coughs loudly. Shit!
“I’m sorry. Here drink it.” She takes the water greedily. After finishing the glass she’s quick to avoid my eyes though I can clearly hear her.
“I...wa...nt you he..re.” Did she-
“You want me here?” Hope is a bitch. And I’m greedily asking for the bitch to make everything alright.
She nods giving me a shrug. It’s not exactly everything but she’s at least giving me a chance to be here for her. I couldn’t ask for more.
“Then tell me.” I know I’m getting desperate but I don’t fucking care. “Tell me what makes you hurt.”
She glances at me for a minute as if considering if I’m worth it. Then she sighs. “Th..ey comes...at night.”
They? “Who the fuck comes at night? I’m at your door every night!”
Shit! Shouldn’t have said it. Really shouldn’t have said it. Though she only gives me smile. A worn one. Still a smile.
She knows. And she’s still not freaking out. So sighing I ask again. “Then who comes at night?”
“They...men who...hu..rt me be...fore.”
My throat is dry. My heart’s beating a mile. “What did they do?”
Her eyes are at the dark corner again. She takes a while to answer. Even then, she’s shaking with something. “Tou..ched me. I sa..id no. St..ill did.”
Liar, manipulator, pretender. That’s what Grace is. She told me to protect Kitty. She never once said who I was protecting. She never said about men-
“What did they do, Kitty?” I don’t care if she’ll close off again. I don’t care if she ignores my existence. I need answers. I need to know who I am going to kill later.
Her lips tremble. My heart freezes. “Touc..hed me. Rui..ned me. Des..troyed me.”
“Did you-” My voice cracks. I don’t know how to ask her. “Were you raped?”
Her silence breaks me. I thought I still had something to break. I thought I was stronger than Lethal when it comes to insanity. I was the good man. The one who thinks before doing something.
And now he’s gone. And I’m afraid to think if he’s ever coming back.
“You a..re cry..ing.” Was I? Was I through?
“Can’t I?” I can’t recognize the man who answers. He’s too wrapped in a pain to think clearly. He’s whining inside. Tearing everything in his way.
“If y..ou wa..nt to.” I want to yell. I want to kiss her like she deserves. I want to-leave to drag those bastards in the basement.
But I can’t resist when she gives me that smile. I can’t resist when she accepts my silence. And right there I know what she does to me. I know what ticks me. I know what drives me mad. And I don’t resist. As I know that when things come to her-
I’m already a goner...