That’s all it took them to fix my spine and legs. Not to mention, my punctured lung which has totally gone through hell if the looks the doctor has given me is any indication. Still, they didn’t say if they were successful. If I could walk again. If I can talk like a normal person without shuttering.
“We will keep her in the hospital for a week.” I can hear someone from outside. They still didn’t allow anyone to see me but I can hear what they are discussing every fifteen minutes.
“Why?” Grace’s worried tone is clear as day. “Is everything ok? Doctor tell me!”
“No, no. We just want to be sure if there’s any complication or infections. I’ve written down the tests. You don’t have to worry, Miss. Knight. She is perfectly fine. The operation was successful.”
I should be happy. I should start trying for a smile but all I can do is stare at the white ceiling and the dull lightening.
They came again. Even after everything, those monsters...they came to haunt my mind. Every touch I got reminded me of them. Worse come to worse, the nurses gave me some sedatives to lessen the pain.
They only ended up bringing more pain to my soul.
“Can I see her?” This time it’s my nurse, Debra. The smiling angel.
“It’s too early. You all can meet her in the morning.” No! I want to meet them now. I wouldn’t be able to chase the monsters away. I-I can’t survive here alone. I’m even nauseous to think about what nightmare I will endure next.
But I grit my teeth to not let out a whimper to let them know that I’m awake. I can’t be that woman who is afraid of her own shadow. I can’t be Kitty.
I’ve always been Gwen.
And no one should change that. Not my sister, not that biker club, not my nightmares, not him. That’s the only thing which is truly mine. My name.
Knights never give up- Mom used to say when I failed to realize why I should keep overdoing the steps. Why I should dance till I can’t.
Grace used to give up. She would dance until she can, not until she perfected it. Mom couldn’t say anything to her face but I could see the disappointment shadowing her face. Then she would dance herself, she would show us what it means to be a Knight.
People should know you by your name, Gwen. You can’t find any better weapon than that. No one has the right to take it- She was absolutely right. I might have lost everything but I still have my name. How was it possible that she was right about everything? Even now I can almost hear her whispering.
We don’t give up. We fight till there’s nothing left.
So, fight those monsters, Gwen.
“We can meet early morning right?” Grace sounds so hopeful that I almost feel pity for her. She must’ve been tried as hell yet she can’t leave me. I see her every day with the bruises fighting with her inner soul. I see her staring at me as if, if she blinks once I will fade away. And yet I can’t let her go. I can’t let her live life like she wanted to. I’m selfish enough to hold onto her.
But not anymore.
Once I’m walking on my own, I will buy our childhood home back. It will take years to make money but I can work. Maybe Debra can give me some job I can handle. And when the time comes I will leave the club. New York isn’t worse when it comes to living, maybe the nightmares will still haunt me but I can’t haunt my sister like a ghost forever.
“Yes. Now please leave.”
I don’t hear any voice after that. I think they went away. So I wait. I wait for the morbid memories to start running. I don’t know how long I wait there though. I’m almost happy that they are tired enough to leave me for a one night when the door opens suddenly.
The temptation to panic is higher than my being strong but once my sight clears I know even panic wouldn’t keep me from going astray. Though I’m pretty sure the object of my mind shouldn’t be here.
It’s nothing more than a shadow.
For me, he’s more than that.
“You’re awake.” Good. He doesn’t sound worried like Grace. He’s calm and collected. H-He looks different.
“I am.” My throat burns to produce words. But it’s a miracle when I don’t shutter.
He sighs. “Good.”
My mind screams to say words. Don’t worry, I will get out of your layer soon. You might be addicted to me but addiction is a strange thing. You can get addicted to someone and change the object of your addiction in a day. You can throw it away like a used tissue. You can forget about them. You can break them even farther.
A few days ago smoking used to be his addiction, now I’m his...and another day someone else.
“We need to talk, Kitty.” For once he looks serious. I brace myself to hear what he has to say. What bad news he has to deliver and in the corner in my mind hopes that maybe...maybe he got tired of me already.
“When are you coming home? Did the doctor told you anything?” Home? The club might be home for him but it’s only a reminder of what my sister has become. But I don’t have the heart to tell him that. So I don’t.
“More or less a week. or two.” I answer honestly. Even if I’m...home I still need help. I still have to work hard to take a step like a toddler.
His face scrunches in...something I’ve yet to see in him. He shakes his head as if what he’s going to do even sounds insane for him. It’s determination to do something. And sad to say it’s scaring me a little.
“I-I did a bad thing, Kitty.” My lung refuses to take enough air. I’m floating again though this time there’s nothing waiting for me to hold onto. What did he do? What did you do, Seth? Lied? Killed someone? Hurt someone like-
I stop completely. Maybe he understands my unsaid words a little too correctly as he starts to come closer than he was before. Now he’s almost touching me yet he looks farther away.
“I said I did a bad thing Kitty but I would have never gone so low that I have to kill myself for the sins I have done.” He sounds disappointed at me. Like mom used to. “I did it for you. I want you to live. Not hide in the shadows. Enough of that fucking shit. It’s time you learn how to bury those bastards.”
If I was remotely normal I would share my gratitude. Ask him to teach me how to live. How to let go. But I only manage to laugh. Laugh until I can’t.
“H-How can you help me, Seth? How?”
Please tell me how...
His eyes shine hearing me. I even see a hint of a smile in the corner of his lips. “How do you want me to help you? Revenge? Freedom? A Serpent?”
How do I-
Knights never give up.
“I-I want to be Gwen.” Such a simple request. Teach me how to be Gwen again. How to be free as a bird...
“One week, Kitty. You have only one week.” His whisper brings a chill down my body. “After that-after that you wish you never asked me something. If Gwen you want...I will fucking give her back to you.”
He is addicted enough to want to give the old me back. I’m desperate enough to become his addiction. And, don’t know what thought scares me the most...