They can’t do worse than they’ve already done. Do they?
I can’t feel my legs since the moment someone shoved me off the staircase. I can’t even scream properly. They laugh when I try to yell for Grace again.
“Shit! We can’t make her scream if she can’t even utter a word.” One of them jokes laughing. Though I can’t look at him as the first man who commanded to handcuff me, returns.
My heart stops beating when they forcefully grab my wrists and secure them with the cuffs. I try to shove them off me again but I don’t have the energy to run or even say a word.
Will this be the end of me?
“Let’s tear this shirt off, shall we?” I start to feel sick when I hear the sound of ripping clothes. It takes me a minute to understand that they are mine.
No! They can’t do this!
“Is this too rough?” A man chuckles before he has me forcefully choke down his-
I wake up to the nightmares again. And every time a small sob breaks out from my lips. I can’t stop myself. The feeling of their hands on my body feels like thousand worms running around on my body. No matter where I am, they won’t leave.
Numb at the feeling, I try to stop the voices, the laughs from getting to me. But I can’t move. I can’t scream in frustration. The only thing I can do is call for my nurse.
After several minutes of waiting for her to come after using the button to call for my nurse, I wait impatiently for a bath. When she comes through, her face is crestfallen and there’s a new wave of fear is in her eyes.
Should I have called her in this God forsaken time?
Before I can apologize, she is already helping me sit in the wheelchair. Taking out a towel, she turns to me. “Usual bath?”
I nod, looking away. Almost every night I wake up to remembering that horrible day and then I take hot bath until my skin is pruned. Until I can feel their touches wash away with the dirty water.
When she is sure that the water is hot enough, she helps me sit in the tub. My skin prickles but still it’s better than the cold air outside making me remember…them.
“You have therapy in the morning. Don’t be late.” I nod enjoying the burn. She washes me until I give her the signal to stop. After helping me wear the clothes she lays me down the bed again.
Please don’t make me go through that again, I pray but I know it’s not working. My nurse starts to walk out but suddenly stops as if she is startled. When she turns back I see the same torn look on her eyes.
“I forgot to tell you. I’m helping you out now but from tomorrow someone else will help you.” My heart stops hearing her. She has been my nurse since I was admitted here. She knows how I am at certain times. She knows me more than Josh knows now. And she was going to leave me? Just like that?
“It’s not you.” As if realizing what I was thinking she quickly responds. My fists clench at the thought of someone laughing at my inability. “I got a timeout after a long time. I couldn’t say no. Don’t worry, the new nurse knows everything. She will take good care of you. I will make sure of that Ms. Evans.”
With that, she leaves me in the darkness to come and haunt me. I try to close my eyes and at least sleep. But her words keep repeating in my head.
Another lie to save our lives.
Another hell I will wake up to every day…