I love you.
What do you do when someone needs you like the way you need them? Like you need air to breathe, a soul to live. The self-righteous thing is to stop and make her understand. Why I came home reeking of blood. Why I couldn’t look at the mirror even after seeing the damage I did to others.
I called the police. I let them know that the shipment was going to be stolen. We ran with the shipment while I helped the cops catch Lorenzo at the price of finding Ceaser. And rightfully they are pissed. Pissed enough to ask for our help because of our peace treaty.
So what am I even going to see in the mirror tonight?
A man who can’t stop at anything to take revenge? Or someone who is slowly losing his shits to hold on just so his Kitty can have a shred of life without fear?
At this point, I don’t fucking know. All I know is she conveys her love over and over in her way, then we sleep some only to make love again until she starts to scream in her sleep.
“WHY! STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! NO!”
Up to this close, I can see her tears running down. Who is this new monster running her? Maybe me or maybe not. I’m vaguely aware that I’m shaking her shoulder, taking her small body over my lap and she’s breaking. She’s crying for all the time she couldn’t.
“Shhh...I’ve got you, Kitty.” I don’t know if she hears me or not. Though I’m the only one she’s clutching as her lifeline.
“I HATE HIM! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!”
Her cry could’ve killed me more than the bullet I’ve taken for the Serpents. And when she stops, her voice is tired. Oh, Kitty...welcome to our world.
“What they did to me, Seth? Why’d they had to ruin me? Why, Seth?” Why, Seth? Why? I don’t have an answer. In a dark and twisted way, I wish I knew what she went through but...I knew, didn’t I?
“What’s that look on your face?” Misery loves company. In our case, our soul recognized each other.
I don’t even realize that my hold on her has tightened until she flinches yet I can’t let go. I hold tighter as I try to remember the small snippet of what I can get. Screams, a choking sound, the burning trail of alcohol going through the pipe, stop, stop, stop, a harsh laugh.
“It was a bad dream.” At last, I gather. “My father said it was a fucking bad dream.”
But was it through?
The scars on my body told otherwise. When asked they always had an answer. Last night you drank until you passed out, you couldn’t have remembered beating someone. It happens, Seth. You fell off the stairs, you did a fight to the death, you might have screwed someone rough.
I was thirteen.
Lethal was fifteen. He used to look at me with pity like I didn’t understand a joke everyone laughed at. Sometimes he drank with me, sometimes he used to send me out of the Southside to enjoy a few days alone. And when I came back, he used to be mad as hell. Then another marathon of shots and then...then I forgot how the wounds appeared at odd places.
I just forgot.
“Seth?” To her credit, she doesn’t flinch when I turn to look at her. The rage in my eyes are raw, the confusion even harsher.
“My father tried to get me out of this life once. I think he knew what was going on. Mad Dog challenged him on a fight to the death.” Her eyes widen, her fingers clasp tight enough to choke anyone. Even she knows what that means.
“He’s alive.” I’m quick to assure her, through who assures me I’m not sure. “He accepted. Mad Dog beat him until my old man broke his kneecap. He was going to kill my father. I begged him. I begged him to let go.”
I still remember the way his gaze gleamed when I was on my fucking knees, asking him to leave my father alone. When I cried out that I was willing to take as many as shots he would give me just to let my father get out of Southside.
“What was the price?” She asks softly. Her tears have dried down but not gone. I’m only here to take her mind off the nightmares. Even she knows that and I know her mind has already connected the dots.
If only I could have done that for myself...
“Me. My sanity. My soul. I was the price, Kitty. And I let him have a free reign on me. I stopped with the questions too. No one was going to answer me anyway. So I drank to the point that even the small memories faded away. I would go to his office in the afternoon and in the morning I would wake up next to Lethal in the basement.”
“That’s why you hate drinking.” She shakes her head at the discovery. I think I’ve surprised her more than I’d like to admit. Maybe that’s why I was drawn to her for the first time. She wore the pain better than anyone after all. “It’s not a choice, it’s a reminder of what you lost.”
A laugh breaks out. Maybe it’s her or me. I don’t fucking care. All I know is I have to tell her. I have to let her know how much I despised that son of a bitch. “One day he went too far. That asshole had no choice but to send me to the hospital. The nurses watched me with horror in their eyes. They looked at me as if I wasn’t real. Asked me questions too. All I said that-I didn’t remember. Alcohol fucked my mind up. Made me think every fucking thing was alright.” She laughs with me too. What a fucking naive I was.
“If the doctors didn’t tell me vividly of every fucking detail of my continuous rape then I would be fucking clueless till this day. Even then I think I knew but I just decided to ignore everything. If only-”
I-I fucking can’t. Screams tickle over my neck as if I am inside that office now. Even the distant sound of stop catches my ears. And she understands too. She accepts my silence as if her own. She embraces them as she did with herself. And when I look at her I can only ask myself does she know? Does she know what we are? And when her nails pass over the white almost fading scars, I realize that she knows it too.
We both have been hurt by the devil and still considered to be an angel. But for how long?