I’ve seen fear before. Felt it. Embraced it. Hated it.
And, It’s terrifying. It’s soul consuming. It’s something I shouldn’t stare at and feel anything other than disgust. I shouldn’t have a faint smile on my face. I should be terrified. But the rush that now I feel to see fear...It’s beyond beautiful.
“What do you say, Kitty?” My stomach drops hearing his voice so close that I can actually feel his heat as if they were my own. “Should we kill them instantly or drag it on?”
What do I want?
I-I want to sleep. I want to be free. I want my life back. I want-I want a gun.
“Kitty?” His hands on my shoulder feel like a warning. As if he’s in my head again. As if I can hear the words clearly- Speak your mind now, Kitty! I don’t have all day to entertain your guests.
“I want a gun.” The two similar pairs of fearful eyes stare back at me in surprise. I think one even whimpers. “Can I use it for practice?”
For the first time, Carter has thrown us into this old basement, Seth turns me around. He jerks his chin towards the gun over the table, his eyebrow raised. His blue eyes darken, darker than my own demons. “What do you need practice for? Your aim is good. Better than a newbie even.”
Oh did I gave the wrong impression?
He certainly seems so as he wonders stepping back from me. “Did I failed to teach you, Gwen?”
The flinch doesn’t register as first. But when it does even I’m concerned. When have I become so familiar with being Kitty that even my name brings an unwanted flinch?
“They are waiting to receive their present, Gwen and I’d hate for you to disappoint.” They are not disappointed watching us glare down at each other. They are terrified. They are trying to untie the ropes.
My shoulder tenses when he moves again. This time towards the gun. He picks up the small objects, admiring its strength before giving it back to me.
A voice too cold to be mine rings out. “I want to practice on them. Don’t for a second forget that I want this too.”
Lost in thought I don’t notice the gun wrapped around my hands tightly. I don’t pay it to the fact that it’s now aiming at their head. I don’t even acknowledge the slight jerk of my arm and the scream that leaves from...who it was again? Dillon or Antonio? I try to watch as they look at the small pool of blood near their thigh with widened eyes.
But the satisfaction doesn’t come. That liberating feeling of being the one with gun...it doesn’t sooth my mind. I’m tense as hell as I pull the trigger and shoot. Again and again. More scream, more croak voices asking to stop reaches my ears and yet...The memories don’t go away. That hideous smile and the pathetic whimper of a helpless girl doesn’t leave my mind until I hear a heavy footstep walking away.
“Drag it on it is then.” Seth sighs taking another weapon in his hands. It’s shiny and small. Far better looking than the one in my hand. For a second I ponder over if I want it to be my chosen weapon or not. Maybe I can choose both?
I don’t notice his eyes drown towards me too. He lets me admire the weapon shamelessly and then he lips tug into a full born smile. “Do you want to play around with it?”
“Can I?” I’m quick to answer. Curious and eager to learn. Apparently, my numb state is slipping and the cracks are showing. Mom would be proud though. At least I didn’t lose one Knight traits. Gwen Knight...always a quick learner.
“Come here.” He takes my hands just like he did before but instead of the gun now I have a small shiny knife in my possession. He walks me to the bloody mess of two people who used to terrorize me for nights after nights. Anticipation never felt this good as he forces me to bent forward so that I can watch our prey together.
“Now what?” I sound too excited. Too desperate.
“It’s going to be sloppy.” He warns beforehand.
“Oh?” I watch mesmerized as together we touch Dillion’s arm first with the knife. If I thought he’d drive that knife in one go, I’m mistaken. He takes his time making Dillon gasp. Antonio watches as we drow invisible lines over the taut skin. Then suddenly it breaks skin and blood sips from the open wound making the demons in my sleep jerk their arm violently from us to get rid of the pain. Dillon cries. Actual tears running from his eyes as we make more jogged lines. We make tallies of every night I woke up screaming.
“Not so quick.” I don’t tear my eyes from Dillon. What did he say that night? I try to remember when a harsh laugh meets my ears.
“Isn’t she a sweetheart? Letting us in without any scream! Fuck! This is gold!”
“Boss is missing out huge time.”
“I want to claim her in the ass, don’t fucking care if I rip her in two.”
“Undress him.” The command falls from my lips so easily. Still, bend over the chair, I look over my shoulder to Seth who’s enjoying the torture as I am. Maybe we were no less fucked up than the two men tied up in the chair. Maybe we just didn’t fucking care how far we went to get what we want.
Maybe that’s why the corner of his lips quirk up in amusement. Or maybe that’s why I feel light-hearted when he rips the clothes of the man who did the same to me. Dillion cries out when my knife touches his spine. In a slow deliberate stroke, I’ve made the hair of his neck arise. And then when he least expected it, it pierces through his skin, coating the knife in blood.
There’s a war raging myself. Past or present. Who to choose? Stop! Stop! Stop! All the voices mingle together. Prey and predator have no difference today.
“Fuck stop! What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Antonio screams at me in horror. What’s wrong with me? What haven’t?
“Don’t listen to them, Kitty,” Seth whispers nibbling my ears. Curling my fingers around the knife, I dig deeper making Dillon whimper. He can’t even scream now. He’s just a monster with blood all over his naked body.
“Dillon? Shit! I-I can’t take this. I-I can’t-” Antonio murmurs rocking back and forth that I want to laugh. They did this to me. And they can’t even take the responsibility, they don’t want to take my burden.
Numb, I remember what Grace once told me. How she branded her devil with her own way. Maybe I need to brand my monster too. So, that’s why I don’t wince when the knife bends a little and starts to make a word. Then another. Then another. Until he’s barely conscious and my heart barely alive.
It’s not much but still, it reminds me of that time I cried when he went at it for hours when I tried to stop him. When I was the one crying and whimpering. When I was the one dying in humiliation.
“Are you satisfied?” Seth asks from behind me. Am I? Am I satisfied? Maybe for now. So I don’t kill him. Instead, I glance at the horrified eyes of Antonio. He’s shaking and his legs are bumping to get away or...is that-pee?
The laugh behind me is chilling as much as haunting. “The fucker actually peed in fear. Fuck!”
Should I-Should I stop now?
A gentle hand turns me around. His blue eyes are filled with understanding. I can’t get through this alone. I need him. As always I’ve had. My hands are unsteady when he takes the knife from me and replaces it with the gun. It’s time.
Time for destruction. Chaos.
And I’m the first one to follow. This time I don’t make it hurt. One little bullet whoosh passes me to the bloody man and he slums forward with only a groan. I didn’t hurt much Antonio so I make his death a little slow. The first shot goes to below his stomach and he screams in intense pain.
The beautiful pain. My old friend. My enemy.
“You hurt her. You hurt this beautiful woman I love.” Seth grunts out a laugh. “And she doesn’t have the heart to hurt you, fucking asshole. But I’m not generous enough to let you leave this world without meeting my fists.”
Fair enough. I don’t stop him when he yanks Antonio’s hair in a tight grip that the man lets out a roar. I don’t resist watching the way his fist rises and then slams into the man’s face. Again and again. Until he’s gasping for breath and crawling his nails down the chair to escape. Black and blue paints a glorious hue over his face.
“Fuck you! Fuck you, fucker!” Seth screams curling his fists and slamming it down to the monster’s stomach. “You should die, you sick fuck!”
I don’t see Seth. I see the younger version of him. The one who didn’t remember his demons. Who lived on alcohols and was being lied by everyone. The one who was afraid to kill his brother. Maybe he’s reliving his own dark world. Maybe, just maybe he can find peace in hurting my demons. Mad Dog might not be here. But parasites like him deserves the same fate. Maybe Seth can give them. Maybe together we can do any-fucking-thing.
Panting Seth steps back to glance at me. I don’t know what he finds there. But he shows me one of his grin, the dark ones that I’m starting to love, and shoves the chair so violently that the man lurches forward to keep his balance but finds none to save his fall.
I half expect for Seth to take my gun and finish the man but he only gives me a careless shrug. “I got carried away. Here, do whatever you want with him.”
I do. I pull the trigger three times. The sound echoing through the now rather silent room evokes a new kind of strangeness. Everything stop but my heart. It’s beating way to fast. It’s breaking the numbness. It’s making the drops spill on the floor.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
I’m crying. For what? A touch of freedom? Or for the old Gwen to be still somewhere in me?
I’m ready to bolt when my eyes finally go to the open door and once again I’m stuck in somewhere I don’t want to be. Either Seth doesn’t notice or care enough to freak out but I do. The tears fall freely. It’s harder to see through the blurriness yet I do see him standing near the door grinning at us. I grit back a sigh when my legs give out. Did I really think they were the first ones I will have to destroy?
“And here I thought I was the only sadist here.”