Chapter 31 ~ Facing The Fear
My eyes opened upon the most beautiful sight – Pierce. He had stayed with me the entire time and held me as I bled from the inside out – he too was in just as much crippling hurt but merely pushed it aside to focus on my healing, even though, he was way more excited than I was – I had been nervous – now, well now I felt inconsolable.
I reached up, gently gliding my fingertips along the deep worry lines marring his perfect forehead, the damage from yesterday’s trauma evident and permanently engraved – this had been the most horrific challenge I think either of us had faced.
It saddened me greatly to see how my inability to carry had affected him. He didn’t deserve this – no one did, we were so happy, too happy, I should have known it would all go so wrong.
This was my life, a series of grievous events that never allowed reprieve, I was an infection – a disease that scarred ruthlessly, a stain that would tarnish and pollute the purity of everyone around me.
I had caused this – it was my karma.
The only problem was, I couldn’t figure out why? What had I done in my life to cause this vicious disaster? What monstrosity had I served to incur this form of condemning? I had been given a gift, and it had been savagely torn from my womb.
There was no guidance that came with this devastation, do I just pretend like I was never pregnant? Do I hide until enough time has passed and everyone has moved on? Do I just hike up my big girl knickers and put a smile on my face or, do I lose myself to depression? Which if I had a choice, knowing how much there actually was to do when owning land, I would most definitely do the latter, let the darkness consume me.
I felt a familiar urge – one I hadn’t experienced in months. If I could just get something? All of this guilt, hurt, torture – it would all disappear. Surely there would be something, somewhere? Just a hit, a pill, a toke on some weed – anything to calm the storm. No, what am I saying?
I wanted to forget, I wanted it all to go away, be someone else’s problem for once – this was unfair and too much emotion. There was no cure for the emptiness left inside of me, the hatred that burned, the liability I placed on myself but I knew that when the high dissipated, the feelings would return and the cycle from my earlier years would continue. This time – I had love.
Pierce began to stir, I could tell from the darkening of the bedroom that we had slept away the day, maybe it’s what we needed, to help aid in the repair of two broken souls. Rest, we had prevailed through unknown and rocky territory and somehow awoken, cracked and bruised but together.
“When did you wake up?” His husky thick, sleepy whisper always made my heart beat quicken. I just stared at him – what do I say? How do I beg for mercy? Apologise or atone for my role in the loss of an innocent life? “You’re not blaming yourself for this Lyera, I can see the evidence of self-blame on your face. Don’t, this has nothing to do with you.”
“It has to be my fault,” I croaked out, “what other explanation could there be?”
“How about the fact that it was simply just an accident? There is no answer.” The tears welled within my eyes, pitiful remorse slammed against my battered heart.
“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.” The words, on repeat, fell from my mouth as I shuddered in harrowing pain all over again. I was sorry, sorry for not being adequate enough to keep the baby safe inside of me.
“No – you will not do this to yourself,” Pierce soothed as his strong, safe arms curled around my shaking form, offering comfort despite his own ravishing torment. I felt it last night – he had shattered.
“Th-the baby sh-should have been safe, I was carrying it, I should have known that I was inadequate. I wasn’t enough.”
“What you’re spouting is ridiculousness, these things happen – both the midwife and the doctor assured us that sometimes this shit just happens and there is nothing we can do about it. Even people who miscarry with no explanation go on to have children and all future pregnancies are fine, maybe the egg just simply did not attach properly…”
“Or maybe it’s because of all the drugs I threw recklessly down my throat – the drugs I dealt to others –the harm I’ve caused to other lives? The dangerous mixtures of…”
“No,” he raised his voice in frustration, “no cowgirl, you are not responsible for the choice of others, this is not some form of punishment for actions of your past. I refuse to believe that because of one mistake you are condemned for eternity. This is not the bible, this is life, and sometimes life is unexplainable and cruel, we can’t tear ourselves apart over this, we are stronger than this tragedy. You are far stronger than this.”
“I feel so guilty, so lost, I need an answer, I need to blame something.”
“Then blame me, maybe this is my karma.”
I scoffed at his stupidity, “you? You are the only good thing that has ever happened to me – you are purity, the epitome of all things incredible.”
“Funny, because that’s how I feel when I look at you. Did it ever occur to you that maybe something inside the sac was not developing as it should and your body naturally aborted the pregnancy simply to save our child from being born defective? Or maybe the egg, when implanted, attached to the wrong part of your uterus and it was discarded so a healthier life could be formed without damage to your insides? Maybe it was just not the right time? Or maybe your body was preparing – so we can have fifteen children?”
I chuckled, furiously wiping away the wetness from my cheeks, “I’m not having fifteen Pierce.”
“You say that now, but I bet you will change your mind, Mrs Tyler.” He arched his brow playfully.
“This is no time for jokes,” I scorned.
“Actually I think it’s the perfect time, we have suffered an accident, this does not define us or our relationship in any way shape or form – this will only make us stronger Avaleria, you will see, our next pregnancy will be all that more special because we know how it feels to conceive and then lose.”
“But what if it happens again?”
“We deal with it, just like everything else, we deal with whatever we have to – together. I know you feel deficient, that you are unable to carry properly – but you can’t know that as truth, how many pregnancies have you had before this one?” I rolled my eyes, I knew where he was taking this. “How many Lyera?”
“Right, none. You have no basis for an argument, grieve whenever you have too, do whatever you need to, to survive this hurt, but I will not let you dig your way into blame and depression. I need you, I love you, and I will show you just how strong you are – this is not your fault.”
How could this man find the ability to lift my spirit when his heart was shattered too? He was all types of incredible.
“I am sorry though…” Pierce goes to open his mouth, but I hold my hand over his lips forcing him to be silent. “I need to say this, I’m sorry, I’m angry inside. There was nothing that I wanted more than to give you a child, and I feel like I have failed you. I need to mourn, I need to say goodbye to our baby, but I also desire to see you with that same look of unbridled happiness the moment I revealed being up the duff. I don’t want to wait months Pierce, I want to try the very second we can. I feel like we’ve been robbed and I need to push forward on this. Just before you woke up the same thought from before ran through my mind – how can I get high and forget? I’m not that person anymore, I’ve changed, grown, but this is the kicker – will you still want me if I can’t carry your child? Will you still love me if I fail again? Don’t answer right now – just think about it long and hard, if you decide to walk away from this, from us, because I am so incapable, I will understand, and I won’t blame you…”
“Mmm mmmkkkk ssjjjjjj,” he mumbled behind my hand.
I slowly released it, preparing myself for the worst, “go on, say it, I can take it.”
He moved to on top of me, covering me with his hard luxurious body, “you’re full of shit.”
“You’re full of shit Avaleria, I am not giving you up, not now, not ever, so get that out of your mind right now. If you honestly can’t get pregnant – which I doubt – we try IVF, then we adopt, or we foster, maybe look at surrogacy. I don’t care if we have a billion kids or none, as long as my life is with you – that is enough.”
“But what if…”
“No, no, cowgirl – you, you are all I need. My life was empty before you, I’m not walking away, no matter what happens, you are my everything.”
“I love you so much.”
I know it sounds crazy, how could you be so attached to something you’ve only known about for a few weeks? But I was attached, it was like I had lost a piece of my heart and I had no way to retrieve it. Pierce and I stayed in for a couple of days, I didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t do any farm work but the entire time, my soon to be husband held me, made me laugh, kept me sane but most importantly, declared his undying love for me. He truly was perfection.
He never once thought of himself, despite my asking, he just said ‘it hurts to see you hurt’ and carried on with cooking. He was selfless and nurturing – he always had been – which was why I decided to push myself. It was time to escape the shadows, I needed to stomp past this, be the woman he saw when he looked at me. Pierce was my inspiration, and when I asked him if he would come with me to see Kae and Cole, he stated ‘sure, I’m here for you with whatever you need’, what kind of man does that? – an Adonis cowboy, that’s who.
We had been through so much together and not once had he failed me, at this point, he could have a flaw somewhere, and I would still love him. We sat out the front of my parents place, they knew I was coming, I think everyone was more than a little apprehensive about how I would react around Colton, I wasn’t so worried but I did still feel angry, not at Cole or Kae for having a child but at the universe for taking mine away. Would I adore him the same as before? Would I be awkward or jealous? I think I am overthinking too much.
Cole had been texting every day, little messages of, I presume comfort? But it was more her quirkiness, like, fuck this shit, who’s house shall we egg today? Or, if you were stuck on a desert island what three things would you take? My favourite was when she said, I’ve got two tickets to Africa, I’ve heard about a village full of sexy men with giant penises, pack only lingerie.
With mum and dad, they were loving and sad, trying to soothe me the best way they could but Cole – I loved her, she was that honest, truly amazing friend I’d always dreamed of. She knew I needed normality and I adored that she refused to allow things between us to slip. She had given me the time I needed to recover from our ordeal but let me know she was still there thinking of me – she was extraordinary.
“Yes, I can do this. We can do this.”
Pierce smiled at me with such pride, his reaction only further spurring my affirmation that he was my one, “we sure can cowgirl.”