The Before: I Love You, Friend
Sometimes, I wonder if I like you more than a friend. I just don't know how to describe it. I want to be around you, and I want to laugh, touch, chuckle, dream, and stay by your side. I don't know how else to say it. I don't know how else to convey it. Whenever I see you, I just seem to smile and want to enjoy your presence and clarity with me. I just want us to have meaningful chats and aspire about our future together. I just want to hold you close and never let go – because, I get clingy. I get jealous, I get unsure, and I get scared. I don't want to lose you. You mean a lot to me, you mean almost the whole world to me. Whenever I see you talking to anybody else, despite it being your friends, somebody of the opposite sex, or even anyone – I will feel sad, possessive, hurt, even.
I just…I just don't know how to cope with these feelings. You know how my parents aren't around, you know one of them has cancer. You know my family is dysfunctional, and you know I shut myself off from them. And it's because I trust you. I trust you a lot. But sometimes – I don't know if I'm making the right choices. I don't know if I'm letting the right kind of people in my life. I'm a closed off person. I like to keep things professional. But for once, I let my guard down. I let my bridge be lowered and allowed you to come inside my kingdom. So what is it that I want from you?
I don't know. I want you to tell me that I mean something to you. Even if I'm just a good friend or person – I want to have some acknowledgement from you. I just treasure you so much that – I'm scared to experience these feelings I never receive from my own family. It just feels unnatural and daunting – but I'm willing to put in the effort if you're willing to do the same for me.
I've been hurt, I've been torn, I've felt violated, and I've felt down. But somehow – you're the one who manages to break down my barriers and melt this cold heart of mines. I let you past the broken remains of my dreams and let you come forth and restore my ideals with your smile and vibrant laugh. There's just something about you that I care so much about. It's your eyes, it's your chuckle, it's your personality – it's just you. You are a wonderful person, and I love you so much for that. I love you to the extent that I can call you family – but my love might not be suited for family. Maybe it's more than such a fraternal kind of affection. No, it's much more than that. I . . .
I love you.
I'm so scared to show you how I feel. It's confusing, it's amazing, it's perplexing, it's stressful. But – if it's you, then I'm alright with it. I don't want to repress my feelings for you. And it's come down to this, I truly do love you. You've always treated me right, and you've always told me to get back on my feet whenever I fall down. You always tell me to smile and look on the brighter end of the spectrum, and you're always there to pick me up when somebody has pushed me down. You just seem to make me look forward to every passing day just to see you again.
And I love you.
I swear, even when I'm being cold, heartless bitch – you know I always mean well. And it's weird for me – but I don't know how convey my affections for you. I don't lightly say what mean – and when I mean it – I sincerely do. If I hurt you, I will always come back apologizing with a guilty conscience. It's just – I've never met a kind and amazing person such as you.
I will always repeat that.
And as our time being together grows shorter – time begins to make my heart grow fonder of all our memories we've been through. I will always remember the times you've laughed when I wanted to be perfect. I will always remember the times when cheered me up when I was down. I will always remember the times when we talk about my silly ideas of star gazing at night in an open field. But friend, I don't think my ideals are silly. And I know you know that they are not silly. And I remember you saying you would like to do so to. And that made me really happy. You wanted to lay down in a field stargazing up at the night sky, wondering what our future had to offer for us.
We may separate, but at least, we'll be looking up from under the same sky.
I remember that promise you made back in freshman year where you reassured me that, we'll be able to see each other in our classes when I thought we weren't. You continued reassuring and laughing and saying that you will make sure we'll see each other again, soon. I couldn't help but smile at your humane and boyish face. You were always so cute when you make silly promises.
But I love you for that.
So when the day came, when we had to separate on our last day of school – I hugged you tightly and began to bury my face into your chest and repeat over and over, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love…you as a friend."
You just simply stared down at me.
I love you. I love you more than a friend.
And we parted.
And before we left, I heard you saying softly, "I love you too."
…you love me more than a friend. I could have cried right there, but I held it in.
"I love you." I just couldn't contain my happiness when you said that.
I love you, friend.