My day wasn’t at all interesting. Abby continued to try to get our professor’s attention but failed. She won’t admit it because she thinks she is getting alone time with him, however, she signed up for extra tutoring with five other students. She is stubborn so I won’t win that fight.
I got a huge textbook to start studying furniture in the historic ages. If I wanted to read about any form of history I would have signed up for that class. It is not like a client will ever ask, ‘What kind of furniture did they have in the historic ages? Where can I buy that?’
Most people are into the modern or country farmhouse chic. Whatever style that is trending on Pinterest. Unless I am decorating a space for the queen or a set of a historical movie.
My point is that I don’t see the point of learning about things that will not really help me in my career such as certain math subjects. Did I really need to learn about all of the math problems throughout the years?
Not once did someone ever ask me, what is the hypotenuse of the apartment bedroom you want to rent? I don’t count the number of stairs I climb which is four. I don’t calculate in the elevator. If there are three people in the elevator and six more enters at the next floor then I am most likely going to be squished. That naturally happens. If you asked me where to find x on a triangle, I am going to circle it with an arrow and write ‘there it is’. The only pi I use is the pie I eat.
Don’t teachers know that every phone has a calculator app for that? Not all math problems help you in the real world. They should be teaching about how to do your taxes, what a deal at the store really means and math that we will be doing in our day to day lives like banking accounts.
Venting is my go-to right now, I feel like I have been staring at paragraphs for hours. It is so bad that my brain gets excited whenever it finally sees a picture. I love being creative but I don’t love reading a huge textbook and being tested on it. Textbooks are only good for taking naps in which I have learned from many of the other students here and generations before me. Open the page to the center of the book and plant your face in it.
If our school were smart, we would only be using tablets and smartphones only. Nothing wakes a student’s mind more than Tetris and likes on Facebook. And since I am on this topic, add more pictures to give our eyes a break for those people who don’t like reading… just a suggestion. Can’t we forget the books and go straight into internships?
It was time for a well-needed study break. I pour a mug of ice cold orange juice and grab the envelope. I am only going to close my eyes for a little bit. Lying back on the couch I read the letter and I close my eyes.
By the swing of my old dorm room door, I knew what was going to happen. My stomach turned to knots as Matt storms in with his cell phone gripped in his hands. “What is this about you wanting to take a break?” He says.
As soon as I saw the reaction of Matt’s face, I knew what was going to happened next.
“I think we could use the break apart from each other,” I say, head down because looking at him will make that sick feeling in my stomach worse.
Please don’t ask why. Please don’t ask why.
“Why?” Matt’s look of concern quickly turned to suspicion, “Are you interested in someone else?”
Of course, I was not interested in anyone else at least not at our level but that wasn’t the reason. “No, it is nothing like that. I told you that- I already told you what this is about.”
“A break? A break Christy or are you breaking up with me for good?” his voice gets louder.
“It’s not going to work between us,” I say.
He walks up towards me a little closer. His eyes are looking right into mine like he was searching for some truth in them. “Where is this even coming from?”
“Matt, don’t make this any harder,” I sigh.
“You want me to consider your feelings right now? Have you thought about mine? What this, would do to me?” Matt takes a step back. He rubs his hand against his hair trying to digest what he had heard.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t, that is why I chickened out and wrote a text in the first place. It wasn’t the way I should have said it but I didn’t know how to face him. I knew the moment I saw him, the words would never escape. “I am not trying to hurt you on purpose. I’m not.”
“What are you not telling me?” he asks.
He was looking for some reason to why I was doing this, I don’t blame him for searching. Sooner or later, I knew that one of his reasoning would have to be me hiding something from him. My heart hated to have to do this to him after everything we been through but it had to happen.
Matt looks to his shoes before moving his eyes to looks back towards me, “Christy, what are you hiding?
It is like he could see everything written on me like he knew but he couldn’t have. Apart of me wanted to tell him everything yet my nerves take control of my mouth. Soon that will be another regret added to my list. Sitting at the top along with other regrets inside of a jar that is tucked behind my heart with a single string tied to my mind. This one laying at the highest point. The one that cuts the deepest. Besides even if I could, I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t change the script but accept the process that already happened.
“I know you, talk to me,” He says. “We can figure out whatever it is. Just tell me.”
“You should go,” I reply unable to look up at him.
Matt was getting impatient. “This is really it? You want to give up everything we had and for what? You can’t even tell me why.”
I knew what I was about to say is hitting below the belt. That it was a lie but it’s the only way for him to stop asking, to stop fighting for us, for this and for me.
“I don’t love you,” I say.
I could see the stab of my words go through him like a knife. My hands bloody with guilt. I try to tell myself that this is for the best, soon that cut will heal and be nothing except a single scar but the look on his face is devastating to watch.
“You don’t love me,” he repeats stunned.
He plays with his keys for a moment in his hand, holding onto our key. I could tell he has many questions still floating in his head yet he stood there. Silently debating if now was the time to leave that key behind. He stood there unsure of what to do next. What would life without me be like? There is nothing left to say. We both knew it. There is nothing left.
“I will pick up my things later,” I watch him walk out of my life. I finally saw a side of him that I never thought I would see. He gave up. He stopped fighting.
“You know me,” a man’s voice says.
I look around my place. Matt was already gone and I am still standing there lifeless for this whole entire break up.
“Tell me who you are,” I say feeling defeated.
In the doorway of the bedroom stood a figure. I can’t see his face. The room is too dark but his black jeans and his red sweater is noticeable. He doesn’t move from that spot. Why won’t he let me see him?
“You know me,” he says again.
“Just tell me who you are,” I shout rushing to the door of my bedroom.
Through my bedroom door was pitch darkness. There is a lightness to my body. As if a feather floating side to side then a sudden rush of free falling. I try to grab onto anything but all I could feel was the thrusting air against the palms of my hands. There isn’t anything to grab, there isn’t anything at all.
My eye spring open. The couch and coffee table towering over me like miniature skyscrapers. My textbook timbers and falls, leaving a startling smack right beside me. Somehow, I knocked it over, the same textbook that I have been complaining about last night.
My muscles should not be hurting me the way that it did. There is only one way to explain how my body is feeling. It was similar to being squished by an elephant a couple of times then he decided to roll on top of me a couple more times.
That dream was one of the hardest days of my life. I understand that breakups are supposed to be hard to deal with. I never wanted this to happen and reliving that moment again kills me. I didn’t even want to go through it the first time much less now, again.
Only me and Matt really know about that night. I doubt that he would tell anyone about that. It was so traumatic for him. What guy wants to admit that the love of his life broke up with him without any reason at all, without any explanation to why it was happening? There could be a possibility that I am wrong but I think I know him well enough to have kept something like that between me and him. Matt can’t be the one sending me these. He can’t.
I find myself staring at the envelope again. Stupid envelope, you are a wannabe piece of paper crafted to be an envelope for the rest of your life.
After that dream, I cannot go about my day without reading it. That guy, that voice was in my dream again. The same black jeans and red sweater he wore the last time I saw him. I need to find him.
I rip open the envelope and unfold the letter. It’s blank.
There is a rustling noise outside my door, my hand reached for the doorknob before any thought could really cross my mind. There was no way this person would be standing right there, not when I have opened this door a million times before with no one there. Yet, that tiny voice in the back of my head cheered me on, begged me to take a peak even though it would end in defeat. Surprisingly, there was indeed real shoes outside my door and a person to go along with them.
Abby walks right in with her head in her screen, I began to think she may have not realized she was at my place. “I know, I am early. Is that one of the dreams he sends?”
“Today it was blank,” I sigh. “It seems to happen when I get too close.”
“I think I saw him leave your doorway,” She says.
“You did?” I ask.
“No,” Abby lets out an overdramatic sigh, “You know we talk about you a lot, right? Like a lot. All you ever talk about are these dreams. All you sleep about are these dreams. You keep looking for a man that may not even exist. For all we know, these letters could be from anyone.”
“What is going on with you?”
“I feel like I don’t see you apart from class. School will end and were not even enjoying the last few months together. You are chasing dream guys and I am chasing a teacher. Now tell me about your dream.”
Abby lashes out when she is scared. It is natural for her. All her stresses press up against her in a corner and the next thing you know, she is pissed off at me. It wasn’t until that moment when I realized that my Abby’s ground is beginning to crumble. She always had school guys to distract her, she always had me right beside her but after graduation, she has no clue what to expect in life. This is all that she ever knew from kindergarten and now she has no foot to stand on out there and that’s her worse fear coming to light.
She stared at her phone flipping through the endless of Instagram photos and liking as many as she could as she scrolled. Her eyes stayed glued to her screen. I watch the reflection of photos in her eyes waiting for her to have some sort of reaction to what I had just told her about the mystery guy reappearing again.
“This is not a good thing?” Abby says struggling to look away from the phone.
“He knows too much about me. You don’t even know about my break up,” I say.
“Yeah I know,” she says with an upset tone in her voice which just so happens to get her to actually look away from her screen for a tiny moment while her finger never missed a scrolling second. “Wouldn’t a police officer be the best solution for this problem?”
I give her a look as if I wasn’t thinking the same thing a few days ago. “I never actually saw his face before.”
Abby sits on my counter. “You need to do something. You can’t do this alone,” She looks up from her cell phone. “Don’t look at me though.”
Knowing her as well as I did, I already saw that coming. “He is the only one who can give me answers so I need to find him.”
“How are you going to do this? Send him letters for his dreams?” Abby whips her cellphone screen with her sweater sleeve. “Can you imagine if he was the mailman the whole entire time,” she laughs.
“I have a plan,” I say even though the idea had just popped into my head.
Abby face reaction said it all. She didn’t believe me one bit, on the other hand, she didn’t want to give up the opportunity to say ‘I told you so’ when my plan crumbles and fails.
I can’t sit around and do nothing anymore. Clearly, there are no clues hidden in my dreams so there is only one way that I can catch him. I am going to catch him at his act. I have to catch him by beating him at his own game.
Two more minutes until it is nine in the morning.
I pace back and forth, each time a little more nervous and anxious. My stomach twisted and turned by the thought of how close I am to getting this person. I made sure the door was unlocked and my running shoes were laced. This plan had to work.
One more minute.
The cold metal sent chills up my arm as I grip the doorknob and made sure it was already pre-turned and ready to be open once the clock turned. I hear footsteps from the other side of the door. My body is tempted to open the door right there and then. Right at that moment, but my mind freezes my hand. Wait.
The envelope slides under the door. Right on time.
Not even hesitating, I swing open the door. I spot him in the red sweater and black jeans, running down the hallway. I run, not even needing much effort but with the same intensity as I had in high school track and field. This is what I have been waiting for. He must have heard when I opened the door but it didn’t matter because I was catching up to him. It was like I was in an episode of C.S.I and this was the before bit that tells you what the show it’s about… the teaser.
He leaves through the exit towards the stairs. I follow. I watched him go through the door of the next floor beneath me. He continues doing this over and over again. Stairs then the hallway, stairs then hallway until we reached the back door of the lobby.
I had him straight on target.
I was right on his tail, pushing through the doors and now, outside in the courtyard. Each muscle in my legs burned. My lungs started to tighten. I should consider retaking track again because right now I am feeling a little out of shape.
I push through my muscle’s limits gaining even more closely to him. The wind flapping my shirt as my ponytail swung back and forth. He was right where I needed him. He was right at arms reach. I leap, landing exactly on him. We both tumble onto the perfectly green, perfectly cut grass. I somehow found myself over top of him sitting on his butt while he is face planted in the grass.
“Was that really necessary? Megan is that you, using your skills on me already? Why didn’t you tell me this last night? You could have just asked to sleep with me-”
My chest inhales the air that I was lacking by the pound. I pull the hood off from him. I knew by that small birthmark on the back and right side of his neck who it was.
“Matt?” I say.
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