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Chapter 50

What is love?


What is love? When you see the word, one of the first things that come to your mind would be, a feeling where you feel complete with a person. Now when I ask who do you love? Some might say their parents, siblings, friends, maybe their pets, and then their significant other, some might even say themselves.

“What a foolish thing it is, Ava,” I told myself, having no one else to talk to

But when I ask who do you love the most? Well, that’s where the trouble begins, am I right? How could you ever choose between your parents and that one best friend you’ve had not for a long time but for the most important time. How can you choose between your partner and your pet? How can you choose between your heart and your reason to live? They might seem the same, but they’re not.

You see, your heart is what purifies every last drop of your blood and sends it to the rest of the body, whereas, your reason to live is what keeps your heart motivated to do its job.

So, when I ask you to tell me who is your heart and who is your reason to live, you might not be able to answer to it. Because it’s not the choice between who is what, it’s the choice between who is more important.

When you tell someone that they have your heart, you actually mean that whenever they’re there you feel purified, like no one can be this pure. And when you tell them that they’re the reason you live, then you’ve rendered the purpose of your heart obsolete.

“You seem like someone straight out of Dr. Phill,” I mocked myself, hoping to calm my nerves.

Like I said, it’s never easy to choose between the two, so what will you do if you are faced with such a choice. I wish I loved myself enough to choose me, so I’m guessing that’s my way of saying that someone else is the reason I live.

Who? I don’t know yet. But what I do know is that I do not have to make the choice now, at least not right now.

2 days. The most wonderful 2 days of my life. Everything was falling into place, two of my best friends were happy, the love of my life, my own personal grumpy puppy was happy, and the other two people, who I never thought will be the part of my life, were happy.

At that point, in that moment it all felt complete, yet still not fulfilling. My best friend was not here, the one I have adored longer, the one who knows me more, the one who knew the reason for every call I made before I could even say ‘Hello’. A part of my heart was missing, a very important part, which meant that a very important part of his life was missing as well.

What I failed to realize earlier was that we all, my friends, his friends, me, and him, we are all tied together by an invisible string. That string has scratches from when we tried to resist, some knots that can never be straightened out, and a few places from where it is almost at the verge of falling apart. But even now, even today, even at this moment, that single string is holding us together, and I am afraid that if someone pulls hard enough, it might not be able to remain that way for long. One pull, just one strong enough tug, and we all will fall apart. I am not afraid of the fact that it will break, but rather the fact that this time, it won’t be strong enough to keep another knot.

“What are you, a poet now?” all these stupid words were a failed attempt to calm my nerves.

I worship Taylor Swift because she knows how to express her feelings better than most people in the world. One of such moments was when she said, “I’ve found that time can heal most anything,” and then she said, “time can heal but this won’t.” This is just another example that not every wound is healable, and some manage to leave scars, scars that cannot be healed, that are there on you like an imprint until after you are laying lifeless in your own flesh. Because you can’t escape from them even in your death. Some, you might not want to look at, and others you cherish forever.

In this moment, I have both of the scars, the ones given to me by my love on the most beautiful night, the others given by one of the most important persons in my life, who can’t even look me in the eye anymore. Why? I haven’t figured it out yet, but I will. Really soon.

Like I said, it’s not a choice between who is what rather than who is more important. Any person in their right mind would choose their friend over anything and everything, but love is a powerful force, and in my life, there’s not just one person I love.

And all this leads me here, in front of Amber’s home. I figured it’s time we have the chat that is long overdue, cause this last week, it feels like I have been missing a piece in me and I will do anything to put it back in there.

“You can do this, Ava. Because if you can’t, then no one can,” one last motivation.

I walked through her lawn, towards the door and knocked twice. Moments later her mom opened the door with a huge smile covering her face which I couldn’t help but return.

“Hey Mrs. R! How’s it going?” I asked, embracing her in a hug. It’s been so long since I last saw her and it’s such a delight to see her again.

“Hey Ava! Oh, my god I missed you! Where have you been?” She asked while pulling back.

“It’s been busy. Is Amber home?” I asked as she let me in.

“Yeah, in her room. Also, please try to get her out of that place, she has hardly left her bed all day. I figured something happened between you guys.”

I nodded her way once and started walking into the all too familiar hallway leading to her room.

Knocking once, I let myself in, seeing her sitting by the windowsill, staring at the sky with unshed tears in her eyes.

She didn’t seem to notice me when I entered her room and closed the door behind. I walked slowly up to her, gently placing my hand on her shoulder so as not to frighten her.

She slowly pulled her eyes away from the closed window and looked at me coldly, not one emotion in her eyes and that made me more worried about her.

“What do you want?” She asked with the same cold voice, it hurts my heart to see her like this.

“Amber, I’m worried about you. Please talk to me, your mom is worried so is Wren. Please just talk, that’s all I want,” I pleaded, tears almost falling out of my eyes as I tried my hardest to control them.

“So, you’re not here to convince me to be with the monster?” She asked harshly making me flinch.

I could not give her an answer and I stared at her with pleading eyes. She seemed to get the response she wanted because she stood up and walked towards her study desk, turning away from me.

“I will not be with him, Ava. The faster you understand it, the better.” Her voice indicated the dismissal of the topic, but I can’t, I can’t give up.

I have seen what this has done to Ryder. He is at the verge of losing control. His eyes have dark circles under them, Asher told me he is not sleeping or eating. And at this moment he is as good as dead inside. I can see the same things in Amber. Her eyes are soulless with dark circles around them and she is definitely not eating enough.

“Please Amber for the sake of our friendship, just come with me once, and if you don’t change your mind seeing how happy Wren is, then I won’t bother you with this ever again,” I pleaded for the last time.

I could see her shoulders tensing then relaxing again. After a moment she turned around and looked at me with hard eyes.

“That’s all you get, Ava. One chance, and after that you and I will go our separate ways,” she spoke, determination clear in her eyes.

I broke into a smile and went to hug her which she did not return but I could feel her body relaxing in my hold and I smiled a little more.

“That’s all I need Amber. Just one chance and I’ll prove to you how much Ryder loves you,”

She did not say anything for a moment, and worried I broke apart from her looking at her still hard expression.

“Tomorrow, text me wherever you want me to meet you and tell him that it’s the only chance he gets. After that, I don’t want to hear anything from either of you.” She said and walked past me to her bed, sitting there and not looking at me anymore.

I took that as my cue to leave and texted Asher about all the things that happened here and to make sure that Ryder gets everything ready for tomorrow.

Asher texted me back, asking to meet him at his house, so that we can plan on how to get them both together.

The moment I pulled into his driveway, I saw an almost weak, fragile Ryder waiting there with a smile on his face. For the first time I have seen him happy about my arrival.

Just as I stepped out of my car, he embraced me in a tight hug, even in this weak state he was strong enough to crush me and I was happy about it.

“Thank you, Luna. I will prove to her how much I love her. And I promise that I won’t mess it up.” He pulled away from me and I couldn’t help but feel a weight being lifted off my chest.

The first time, he called me Luna and I just can’t help the warmth filling me up. I smiled brightly at him noticing tears at the corner of his eyes. He has waited so long, it’s been so long since he last saw Amber and I can’t help but feel sorry for him, knowing how hard it is to stay away from your soulmate for so long, knowing that they do not wish to see you.

“I’m glad, Ryder. Make us proud.” I told him with an encouraging smile.

I just hope this goes well, that’s all I want. I skipped my way to Asher’s room, stopping right out his door when my phone pinged indicating I got a text.

With a smile on my face, I pulled it out and the happiness left my body all at once.

*After tomorrow, I don’t want to see you, Wren or the monsters you hang out with. I know what I have to do and I’m not changing that now. I’m going to finish it once and for all. * Amber

She is going to reject him. Oh no. It will crush his soul, how she found out, I have no idea, but in all these years I have known Amber, I know she won’t back down.

The door to Asher’s room opened as he engulfed me in a hug, and spinning me around his room. He is so happy. How can I tell him what is going to happen tomorrow?

“Sugar, you are the best thing that has ever happened to us.” He said and planted his lips on mine, I couldn’t tell him, I won’t be able to, I can’t see him broken again, with no hope left in his body. I’ve seen it once and it will kill me if I have to be the one to do that again to him.

But I have to, it’s better this way, at least they’ll be prepared, “Asher I-” I was interrupted by a knock.

“Luna, I was thinking to book a roof top restaurant, she loves places like that, and maybe decorate it with her favorite flowers. What do you think?” He asked happily, but I have to tell him, I have to or I won’t be able to forgive myself, ever.

“Ryder, there’s-” he interrupted me again.

“Or with chocolates, she loves them too, if she could, she would have them for the rest of her life.” He is so excited. How can I ever crush his soul like that?

But you have to, Ava. It’s better this way, it will hurt less. I prepared myself, as I opened my mouth I was interrupted again.

“Or I know just what to do, thank you, Luna. You’re the best.” He said and slipped out of the hallway, I turned to Asher to see him mirroring Ryder’s expression.

“See? I told you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to us.” He pulled me into yet another kiss, as I pushed him back.

I have to do this, I have to.

“What’s wrong, Sugar? Are you ok?” He asked worriedly.

I can’t, I can’t do it, I won’t be able to. I love him too much. I can’t tell him. He will break apart. His pack is the most important thing in his life, I can’t take that away from him like that.

I can’t be the one to do this to him. So, I put on a mask, I smiled at him and shook my head. He returned my smile, with his true one and hugged me again.

How can I hurt someone I love this much? How can I crush someone whose entire world revolves around me? I can’t be this cruel, I can’t be the one to say this.

And I love Amber too much to scream at her again and tell her what a big mistake she is making.

So here I am again, at this crossroad, whom to choose, and whom to reject. Who is more important to me? And whose spirit will I be able to crush with the least possible damage?

And the biggest question, what exactly is love?

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