It is in the mid 1990′s.
Beasts set upon me in such intensity of passion they leapt up and run away with my soulmate. He now part of the damned he no more the man who I loved so very much. Look now he is the husband of that and that and another of that. Why does the heart weep? Why do I weep? What has happened to my happy thinking that he did not mean anything to me? His empty chair staring into oblivion into tossing me assunder and making me this humble waif. A woman who nobody now wants to be seen with because he has a important lifestyle with the social success a wife who matters and nothing to do with failures like myself. Tacky for me he said too tacky being with someone like him?
He said he wanted me to behave like someone who knew what it is to live like a lady.I asked like what and he said a woman living like a woman I asked jokingly in a boudair. He rushed into emotions and said of course very serenely as if he hated me. And furthermore he said to this conversation behave such like to appeal to his senses to make him happy in bed and be alive to his every need. I did not understand at all. I thought that is not me he is describing someone else someone different did he have someone in mind. He said of course not he was just not being nice. Then he shrugged it off. His girl at the time who was it I wondered and did she behave towards him as he had described to me?
Lady in a boudaire knowledge the knowing looks and all that matter of fact. Why believe in love when all he said lady in a boudaire in a lingerie and negligee and me not with anything owning to such facts. What did it mean I was a poor ignorant girl did he mean to corrupt me? Why if he should touch me I would scream out loud and there would be such a fight as never was alive and then I sat down to think I did not have much time for thinking only thoughts came like drops down the years making me happy and making me sad. As if spilling the things which made me matter to him more than formerly.
I love you. He shrugged that word which meant so much to him what did it mean to me? I knew nothing about love the love of parents had set me back. What does it matter I made the mistake of assuming things were right and had a lot of time in the world when time is mere essence when time slips like a slipped disc.
We had lived as childhood sweethearts that of course he would tell me without realising that he had fallen in love with someone else. The girl next door type would pale and he would seek others more like him. Humans are not compartments of sorts because they love one thing and can love another and then they change back to what they first desired sometimes life is about change and all that. I thought about change and what it would mean if he ever left me and then thought he should never leave me. I did not mean to trap him into behaving well towards me I just left it to his good side and when years flew he did not have a good side. A man too can be influenced by the woman he sleeps with they say that a woman is but a man is even more he is a mere plaything when a woman satisfies him. This mousy woman with the wig who was always around him and he would look at adoringly went to my brain. Why did he look at her all the time. When they begin in earnest they do not even notice the coffee on the table.
That was it for me when she and he got on my nerves why bother me coming to this sorry spectacle of a cafe when they do not mean to even behave near me?
The thing was the woman came because she was his woman now and he came for knowledge to see me because we had been friends and he wanted to see how I did. I did very well I told him. He would give me a look and leave. His look said I do not believe you but if you don’t ask for my help I am not going to put myself out for you. I sent him a innocent look and he did smile he smiled at me warmly and I sent him packing. He I thought would get into trouble one of these days he did not even know when I lied. What hope did he have when other women lied to him too?
But this woman in the mousy hair was the thing for him he would stare at her forever I thought and did not begrudge him anymore. It had been years since he looked at me in the same way. He just would not leave it alone things in the past and friends from the past he just would not let be. He just was stupid and lived in some palace of pigs I thought. Dead bored he was not he said he had never had so much fun and he loved every minute of it how was I faring I said as well as well.
He said I can see you are not don’t you know how little this place is? It is mine own I replied I am not going to become some whore like in Knightsbridge. One always mistakes an offer of mating or friendship or marriage. No he had not asked me to marry him as he was with this mousy head. He was so loved he was indeed. I did not hate him. I just wished he would leave the past to me where he belonged and give the present to her as she was in it. But he would not leave it alone he had to come with her and come they did all the time sometimes she came alone it was always these I dreaded most. She was always the cruellest customer in the world. She loved to taunt get rid of other customers and behaved like Jack the lad without some balls. She said she had more balls then most man but he had been sleeping or working so he did not have the time to see what we did together.