Hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone
Hell - Casey
For a moment, the briefest of moments, I swore I saw her eyes. Through the crowd of a thousand people, I swore I saw her.
But she couldn’t be here.
Out there among the endless crowd.
She would never come all the way to New York after what I did to her. I’d be lucky to ever get a glance of her after everything.
Who am I kidding?
I deserve never to see her again...
I try to clear my head, shake the idea out, because how could I possibly see her up on stage? How could I see her amber-colored eyes - that make me fall to my knees - through the shining lights?
’It’s the drugs,’ I try to tell myself; ’You’re hallucinating.’
I hear Brandon call to me, asking if I’m alright for the hundred and fiftieth goddamn time…
Ignoring him, I right myself and grab for my mic stand. I flash the audience a smile I save for only them and forget all about the playlist that’s set by the label because I don’t want to sing what’s next.
Tonight I don’t care.
Tonight I want to let out something other than her song.
The song that I wrote for her all those years ago; the song I thought for sure would let me win her heart...
You know what?
Fuck that song.
Fuck the label.
“How about a cover song!?” I scream out to the audience. The crowd goes crazy and my other bandmates shoot me concerned looks and then share the same looks with each other.
I roll my eyes and turn pointing to each one of them, “You guys don’t have to worry, this is all me -” turning back to the audience - “I don’t do cover songs often, and probably won’t for a while, but I’ve been on a Blue October kick lately -” several from the audience scream, adding to my atmosphere. My smile encompasses my face, “You guys know them?!”
There are more screams and I laugh strumming on my guitar, “Well, then, here’s Hate Me by Blue October.”
I begin to strum on my guitar, letting my mind slip as the words flow to me easily.
Taking a deep breath in I close my eyes and right before I do, I swear I see her eyes again.
Making singing this song even harder.
Harder than it should be.
Taking one more deep breath in, I exhale the story of my life lately...
“I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head…”