I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell her, it would be wrong of me. Telling Samantha I’m in love with her just days before I fly out to go on tour, it would mess with her head. I couldn’t leave it like that, so I didn’t tell her.
Just when you think you have life sorted out, when you see a clear destination and know you want to take it, but fallen trees gets on the way, things make you run back to where you started.
I keep replaying that night in my wishing I would have told her.
“I’m going on tour again” Samantha’s smile faded. “Oh, well when are you leaving?” Samantha didn’t step inside she just stood there looking down at her fake converses like it was the first time I met her again. Something up with her, she came her for a reason now it looks as if she wants to leave just as quick as she got here.
“In a week, I’m leaving for the uk, I’ll stay there for two weeks and move to the next place” a week, I have a week left with Samantha because I know I won’t see her for 6 months. 6 fucking months. I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her that I love her but I can’t tell her and then leave her, not without knowing how she feels about me too.
“Oh wow a week” she whispers almost to her self but I still heard, she’s in shock, it was bound to happen eventually that I’ll get another tour contact it just came at the worse possible time. It’s killing me inside not being able to tell her but it’s also a good thing, maybe now I’ll have time to think of all the ways I could tell her. I love Samantha Kane and I can’t tell her. Worst love story ever.
I’ve got a day left in the city before I fly out to Britain. Every moment I haven’t been in meetings I’ve been spending them with Samantha, I’ve seen her more theses past days than I have since over known her. Samantha and Mathew have even come over for a ‘sleepover’ of course sam has to go to work but I stayed up and waited for her so we could talk, that night was peaceful, warm and we never spoke once about me leaving. I knew Samantha was upset that I was going I could see it in those crystal bluebell eyes, for the whole week they were glazed over with fear of being left behind. I would never leave her behind, I even asked is she wanted to come along but of course she said no, Sam’s got Mathew to think about she can’t just pull him from school. Now thinking about it, it was a selfish think to ask I just don’t want to go a whole six months not seeing her. Not being close to her to smell Lily’s and Jasmin from her favourite perfume and her soft brown hair that slides effortlessly through my fingers. The way she laughs at the smallest things I do and the movie night we had just relaxing, it feels like it’s just the two of us against the world.
I’m currently sat In my staring at the bar that Samantha works in, it’s not that busy in there tonight. Samantha’s leaning against the bar cleaning cups talking to ‘Emma’ I guess is her name, she has her hair slicked back into perfect braids and wearing a red cocktail dress. I open the car door and step out feeling the cold breeze attack my throat making me cough, I walk up to the door puffing up my chest as I walk inside.
Samantha looks up instantly smiling my way, I feel my stomach twist and knot with butterflies. I sit next to Emma saying hi to Samantha.
“Hold on a minute I know that voice” Emma squeals, she turns to me wide eyes with a toothy grin on her face.
“Omg no way, it’s so cool to meet you man” Emma pulled me into a ‘bro hug’ patting me on the back, sam and I burst out laughing as you can see that Emma is freaking out.
“It’s nice to meet you Emma, Sam’s told me some bits about you” Emma drops her jaw looking to Sam and back to me. She smooths her braids with her fingers that are covered in bright coloured rings.
“Well I hope nothing too embarrassing” she lets out a nervous chuckle.
We carry on talking for a while until Emma gets a call saying her Uber is here, she explains she’s going to a work party before she says goodbye. Emma’s left and it’s just Samantha and I. We talk a little about our days before she has to go serve someone else.
I sit there for a while just collecting my thoughts before my phone begins to ring, I hop of the bar stool and walk out the bar answering the call.
“Hey bud, Kyle here. Listen the flights been cancelled for tomorrow and moved up to tonight at 1am. you’re all packed right?”
I bite my lip turning back to see Samantha looking at me whilst giving me a small smile.
“Yeah, yeah I’m all packed” I turn to look at the jeep filled with suitcases and duffle bags filled with my clothes.
“Fantastic I’ll see you on the air strip” Kyle says before hanging up.
A small sigh escapes my lips and I look up seeing the stars illuminate the sky. I’m so happy and so grateful that I was contracted another 6 month tour, to be able to make others happy is a gift only so many are given.
But without anyone to share it with there comes a certain point where I think ’when will this end?’. All the drinking, the party’s and the one night stands are fun for a while but I want something I can love, something I can protect, something I can tell the world is mine. It’s not a something it’s a someone.
I turn back to see Samantha speaking to a guy behind the bar, she’s laughing at a joke he made. This sudden urge to run in there and pull her away from him over takes me, I power walk over to the door. I place my hand on the door handle its contact with my skin was cold almost burning because it was so cold. I stop to look again seeing her happy, I dip my head staring at my shoes that have a couple scuffs by the toes. I don’t want to cause a scene right before I leave.
I drop my hand from the handle shoving them into my pockets, I walk back to my car. I know what you’re thinking, I’m such a dick for not saying goodbye but I don’t like saying goodbye to people. I don’t like when it ends.
I get to my car opening my door when I hear.
“Finlay!” Samantha screams my name causing me to stop, I turn around to see a confused look across her face.
“Your leaving?” Samantha walk up to me but stops seeing the suitcases in the trunk of my car.
“I got a call from Kyle, our flight moved up to 1 o’clock this morning” her eyebrows knot together.
“And you just thought you would leave without saying goodbye?” I put my hands back into my pockets.
“I was going to but you looked happy and I didn’t want to ruin it” Samantha scoffed folding her arms over her chest.
“You don’t know what’s best for me, it would have driven me crazy to think you would leave without saying goodbye”
“I’m sorry Sam I’m not good at goodbyes, I hate knowing that I’m not going to be able to see you in 6 months.”
She moves closer to me.
“You can call and text me everyday”
“I know Sam but it won’t be the same” I pull out my phone seeing the time is 12:07, if I don’t leave now I’m going to be late.
“I’m sorry Sam I’ve got to go” just as I say that Sam runs over to me jumping into a hug. I catch her thighs using my arms to hold her up, she slings her hands into my hair pulling us closer together. For the first time tonight I feel perfectly and completely relaxed, holding Samantha keeps me sane.
She lets out a shaky breath and whispers.
“Don’t forget about me” I felt something squeeze my heart as the words left her lips. I pull her closer to me, closer than I thought I could.
“I could never, Samantha this isn’t the end and this isn’t goodbye. I will never ever forget you, you hear me? There’s no one else like you” she nods into the crook of my neck, I lean my head down smelling the fresh fragrance for Jasmin, knowing I’m not going to smell it for a while.
She breaks away from the hug wiping a tear that feel down her cheek.
“Go, I’ll see you soon” she gives me a sad smiles and walks away.
Driving to the airstrip, my mind raced around Samantha, the hug. I was holding her so close to me, I want it to stay like that forever. The car park was empty so no one would have caught photos of us and I’m glad, not because I don’t want Samantha’s face in the news but because I want that moment to be just between us.
As I get to the airstrip I unload my bags and walk onto my private jet, I pick a seat next to the window so I can watch the lights of the city go by.
I feel hands grasp around my shoulders looking up Kyle smiles down at me clearly excited, “this is it kid another epic tour” I smile at him as he walks away. As the jet takes of I plug my head phones in listening to some music, I look out the window seeing my city get small and smaller. Right now all I’m thinking about is Sam but I know as soon as I land in Britain I have to let go of my issues and smile at fans. This is going to be a long 6 months.