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SOLITUDE

By Fascen Zillar All Rights Reserved ©

Erotica / Romance

SOLITUDE

1

It happened after all the classes were finished. I was alone in one of the classrooms, drawing on the blackboard. I drew a flower, the moon, and some curly forms. I erased them. And repeat the process again. I wanted to leave. I could not leave. Perhaps, I should have.

I kept on drawing any kind of figures: trees, animals, anything, when a deep orange light came in from my left side. I sighed. I went around the teacher's desk. The desk smelled like a mix between waxed wood and moistness. I frowned. I took a peek out the window. School was not empty. I forgot about the scholar sport teams that would be practicing.

From where I was standing I could see the outside basketball court. The soil was covered up with red, orange and golden foliage. The i saw a couple. Right next to the court. They stood out against the sunset light. On the right side of the court was a tree. Standing next to it was a couple, a boy and a girl.

Now, I know I should have not stayed. I should have left but I froze. I wanted to see what was going to happen. I recognized the boy. His Asian features made him noticeable. I also knew the girl. Her long curly honey hair glistened even from under the tree's shadow. I kicked the wall. They were getting closer to each other. Too close. My hand fisted up. Their lips kept on moving. Their chat had to be interesting. She leaned over him. I clawed my fingernails on the window ledge. The wood and paint stained my nails.

Their lips met. My stomach sunk in my abdomen. The blood in my veins chilled. My heart stopped. I could not breathe no matter how much I open my nostrils.

Pain. The pain blurred my mind. 

I ran out of the classroom. I ran as fast as I could. I bumped into some students on my way downstairs. The sunlight blinded me but not as much as I would have like it to. On the corner of my eye I could still watch them. They were still kissing. It was very sadistic. 

The sky was no longer red. It had turned into a light purple shade. A couple of stars made their way through the velvety sky.

I did not know for how long I had been running but I did not stop. Not even if my legs ached. My heart rate increased. I was panting. My eyesight was blurry. My eyes started to sting. I shook my head because I was trying to throw those images away of my memory. I knew what that meant. I had known it since… I think since the very start but I wanted to change it. 

I admited to myself this was bullshit. I had lost because I was a huge coward.

A soft wind blown as I sat down on a bench. The night had finally come. I did not get WHY. He should have noticed it. He should have noticed me. He could not see me. He had not seen me, not even when I had been his best friend as long as I can remember. Nobody wanted to hang out with him because he was a foreigner. No one but me.

I recollected his first day at school. We were in Junior High. He looked pretty frightened, lingering at the classroom door. His coffee-brown hair covered his eyes. He was biting his lower lip and was folding up his arms.

I remember looking at him from my chair, next to the window. I did not know what to do. I wanted to tell him something but… to be honest: I was a little scare too. I had not seen a foreigner in my life before. All the classmates glared at him. They were surprised and mad and did not talk to him at all. He stood by the door until the teacher arrived. She introduced him to us and made him sat behind me.

The classes went by faster than usual. After each class was finished I tried to speak to him. Every time I tried it my throat dried up and I choked on my own words. When the day finally ended I got the courage and I wished him a good day and I said my goodbyes. Until that moment he lifted his head up. He beamed at me and waved me.

I inhaled sharply. My eyes round in shock. He was the cutest boy I had ever seen. 

His dark hair was extremely straight and gracefully fell over his eyes. His skin was fair not pale yellow as a regular Asian would have had and his eyes were light brown. His teeth were perfect white. I felt my cheeks warmed up and a knot in my stomach. In a few seconds, in just seconds I fell for him.

Since that moment on we became friends. We did everything together. We talked about nothing and everything. We laughed at our silly moments and cried at our worst. And yet again I was being forgotten. I was being abandoned. I was alone.

I remained still. I did not know for how long I had been running but it seemed like an eternity. My cheeks were wet and burning. I could not stop sobbing. My heart had been shattered. My whole body jerked up in pain. Sat on that bench I realized just one thing had always been certain for me: loneliness.

In a split second (the same way it did so many years ago) my life suffered a 360 degrees turn. My fabulous strategy had back fired at me because I let someone take advantage from it. I should have known better and all I could think of was me being left behind, once more. I could not take any longer. Not anymore.


That was two years ago. Now I am regarding myself at the mirror, trying to get ready for my High School graduation ceremony. I look too pale for my own sake. My rich auburn hair is way too long and will not submit. May be I should blow dry it or flat-iron it.The hazel almond eyes are a bit red. I scowl at the clock hanging on my wall. Damn it. There is no time. Frustration lances through my body and I kick my bed.

Why the hell did I start thinking of that? It made me loose precious time. I sigh defeated. A low braid, some mascara, a slight touch of peach blusher and cherry lip balm would do.

"Let's go! We're late!" My brother shouts knocking desperately on my door.

"I'm coming." I head down stairs.

The scent of rain and asphalt fill my lungs as I welcome the fresh breeze on my face. My dark-haired brother keeps his hazel eyes on the road, enjoying the speed of our cousin's borrowed Mercedes.

"I can't believe you made me wait ALL that time for…" he scans me, mocking disapproval in his voice. "...this."

I pout and look out the window. 

I KNOW look awful

My outfit is semi presentable: A coffee knee-length skirt, an ultramarine blue shirt, a brown blazer and knee-length boots.

"Don't worry. This…" I take the braid in my left hand "Is just until my hair dries" And my clothing will be concealed by the graduation robe.

He doesn't say anything else. He simply keeps driving us to school. He glances down on at me from time to time. My brother is (despite what my father believes) not stupid. I am sure he feels something is… or has been wrong with me. But he would not dare to ask a thing. He is willing to wait for me to come to him look up for his aid.

After a twenty minute ride we are parking in the high school lot, near the auditorium. Several classmates have already arrived and they're currently wearing the graduation robe. A few are lining up far on tje left side to get the graduation caps and robes. My eyes glimpse at the robes and caps: Navy blue. 

No imagination at all

At least it is not yellow or pink.

"Mom is already here. See ya in a few." My brother strolls towards the auditorium.

I walk over where my schoolmates line up to get my clothes. I take my coat and wrap it around myself; I undo the braid and settle the cap in place. As odd as it sounds I feel at peace. It has been a while since a felt like that.

Suddenly, a tremor runs through my body and my stomach twitches. 

For heaven's sake! 

I still can sense him even before I see him.

"Hi." His beautiful manly voice makes me shudder.

How can he greet me so… happily? How can he still be completely unaware of my feelings for him?

"Hi." I hardly manage. My mouth has turned into a desert.

The wind blows again. I smell his perfume. 

Oh, God!  

He smells of musk and a hint of mint.

If I turn around I could appreciate his handsome features.

"Hey, can we talk af…"

He is cut off in the middle of the sentence by an extremely high-pitched voice.

"Hi, sweetie!"

Fuck my luck. I do not turn around. I want to be deaf. Thankfully this it will be the last time I will have to endure seeing them together. I have decided to go early (way too early) to college. In a couple of weeks I will be out of here. I am craving for a fresh start.

"Hi." He simply states.

As polite as usual. But he cannot hide the edge of exasperation. Not from me anyway.

I plug my headphones in and I fade to the soft and gloomy movements of a piano coda. 

This is gonna be a LONG evening.

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