From the beginning it had been innocent. None of them had actually reflected, just done it and left it there. Dave, introverted, shy and in general a little awkward. Younger of the two. But just a tad. He'd been off about never having kissed anyone, didn't know how to, didn't want to be the only one who didn't know. He always was the last one to try things. Last one to learn how to read, ride a bike, walk, speak and dare to cross the road without mummy on his hand. Finn however. Stronger, braver, careless. Restless at most times. Had had several girlfriends already, the last few once he'd actually kissed. Thought he was the master, knew everything just because he knew a little. Always been like that, probably always would be. They were thirteen at the time. Dave was sitting on Finn's bed, puking out his harsh words of distrust toward himself: he would never get a girl if he was a bad kisser. And he didn't even know, because he'd never even kissed! Finn didn't really listen, just sat by his computer, scrolling. Dave hadn't been talking about anything else for almost a week. Never in the presence of others, but alone. It was like he didn't even want to think of something else. Finally, Finn got tired of it. He sighed loudly, spun around in his chair and rolled up to his bed. Dave shut his mouth and stared at him.
- Why are you such a little whiner? Finn asked and rolled his eyes. Dave probably didn't have the guts to answer in a more nasty way then he did.
- It's because you have to bear with me. Finn took no offence. He slapped Dave in the back of his head though. Turned to the computer again, told him that he needed to ask a girl out if he wanted to kiss. Dave roughly spoke back that he never would have the courage to do that. Finn raised a brow and waved a little towards Dave.
- You can't ask them out, how the hell are you supposed to be able to kiss them? Will you even dare to do it when you get the chance? Finn didn't see, but knew Dave shrugged. Finn rolled his eyes and turned around again.
- You want me to teach you? From that moment things would be different. Just as the words slipped Finn's lips, the two young boys were different people, changed, in a new phase. None of them understood it yet. Dave was scared. Finn overly confident. Reckless. Dave didn't understand how Finn would teach him. Show? On what, with what? It wasn't Finn's thing to just talk about things, so that was out of the question. Finn was again by the bed, sitting in his extremely expensive chair with those small little wheels, leaning towards a little suspicious Dave.
- Do you trust me? He asked and flipped his head up a bit. Dave’s eyes flickered. But he nodded. Finn smirked, placed his hands around Dave's head and said, too sure of his words:
- Just follow my lead. Dave was both too terrified and too curious to move away. And that's how he lost his first ever kiss to his two minutes older, self-confident twin brother.
I know what you're going to say. No. Wrong. Are you kidding me? But, no. Finn softly put his lips against Dave's. Both of them thought it was weird, but they had always shared everything, always taught each other stuff (mostly Finn teaching Dave all the physical things and mostly Dave teaching Finn the brain-stuff), so why couldn't Finn teach Dave how to kiss? They had just used their lips. A couple of seconds long kiss, before Finn had pulled back. Taken a breath. Both looking at one another to make sure… just to make sure. Then their lips met again. Not in any romantic, passionate way, mostly like just a quite bad kiss. Their minds were both set. Finn was going to teach his brother how to make out, Dave was going to learn.
- Open your mouth, Finn almost explained without retract himself and Dave followed the instructions. Finn slipped the tip of his tongue in-between Dave's trembling lips. Dave thought it was a strange sensation. Wet, warm, he had to put his tongue against Finn's, to try it. Finn stroke the inside of Dave's lips and for a brief moment wondered if he actually was doing it right. A split second later, the thought was out of his mind and he tilt his head a little to reach Dave's lips better. They just let their tongues touch a few more times before the twins both leaned back.
- And that's how you kiss, Finn stated with a swaggy shake on his head. He once again spun around in his black office chair and continued his scrolling.
The two brothers weren't stupid. They both knew, in their own ways, not to speak about them kissing. Finn's only reasons not to, was because he didn't want anyone to think he was a freak or a fag. Dave because he understood it probably wasn't anything other siblings did. He didn't feel embarrassed or shame, just… a little uncomfortable with it. Still, they kissed two more times after that, the same year. Once, just the day after, because they wanted to know if Dave had gotten any better. He hadn't. The second time a couple of months later. Finn had just broken it off with his fourth girlfriend of the year (Dave still hadn't had a single one). They'd just been lying around, watching TV, alone. Their parent were out, some sort of couples dinner, without kids. None of them really knew how they'd found themselves with their lips connecting. This time, it was a rather long kiss. More intense, more exploring from both sides and even a bit more, hm, relaxed. They lie around in the living room couch; felt a bit sorry for themselves because they didn't have anything to do on a Friday night. They had a bit of a cuddle like they sometimes did and all of a sudden… tongues.
Finn was about two minutes older. It didn't really matter, but for the two of them it meant a lot. Dave was the one who had to step down, defeated by his brother because 'he was older'. In everything. Finn called shot-gun. Finn wanted the glass with the most soda. Finn got the girl they both wanted in fifth grade. Finn. Never Dave. Because Dave was two minutes late. Dave sometimes could feel so angry about this fact that he just screamed and threw things across his room. Now, fifteen years old, he'd come to terms with it. He knew he was quite a lot cleverer, so nowadays he outsmarted Finn. He used logic or plain simple tricks. Just asked if he could sit shot-gun a day before they were going somewhere and when Finn then claimed it his, their mother had to say she'd promised Dave already.
Even though they often hated each other's guts, they couldn't stop loving one another. They were sibling. Twins. A bond stronger than most things. They had always done everything together. Discovered together. Finn had taken Dave with him the first time he crossed the big road outside their house, even though Dave actually was too scared. They'd found a playground on the other side. Finn dared Dave and Dave made Finn think about serious matters. They were there for each other when their parents split up, they thought long and hard about whether to move in to different rooms or if they should stick together. Because they did everything together. They even masturbated simultaneously sometimes when they first discovered it - and still lived in the same room.
It was a Saturday, or maybe Sunday? It was late night at least, Finn lay in his bed, sleeping. Dave had just sneaked through the front door, closing it with his eyelids pressed together. Wishing his mother wouldn't hear it. He rushed up the stairs after taking his outerwear off, didn't hear a sound, didn't make a sound. Dave's room was to the left so he ran through the right door. It was pitch black, but he knew exactly how the room was furnished. He took four rapid steps towards the bed, reached out and shook Finn's shoulder, very indiscreet.
- I did it! He hissed happily, I did it! I finally dared to do it! Finn woke up, his head spinning; not understanding what Dave was on about. He turned around, faced Dave and asked what the hell he was talking about.
- Kissing! I kissed her! We kissed! Finn barley could see Dave, he was just a vague shadow with two clear white dots where the streetlight from outside reflected in his blue eyes. Finn rolled his eyes.
- Wow, you want a reward or something? He said and firmly placed his head on the pillow again. Dave sighed.
- Well, Finn said, trying not to sound too sassy, congrats, brother. He could see Finn smiling big and smirked himself. He was a proud of his brother, not only for the kissing, but by the fact that he'd both sneaked out and come home without getting caught.
- It only took you nearly sixteen years, he still needed to ad and Dave gave him a brotherly smack in the head. They weren't turning sixteen for another few weeks. Finn asked if he could go to bed again now, a hint that he wanted to go back to sleep, but Dave didn't leave. He lay down beside him, stared into the ceiling and started to talk about a lot of various matters. Finn listened without answering or interrupting and after a while he fell asleep again. They woke up next to each other, Dave still wearing his clothes. He sneaked out before their mother woke up. Dave and the girl didn't last long. A couple of weeks. Dave was over it quickly too.
- You know, she taught me things. Finn raised his gaze and looked at Dave's little annoying face.
- What? He asked reluctantly.
- More than you did. Finn pushed his homework away, sighed and turned to Dave. Dave played with his own fingers and sat leaning against the wall. Finn looked at him, questioning.
- You know, about kissing, Dave explained and blushed a couple of gradations. Finn rolled his eyes, crossed his arms and dared Dave to show him. Dave didn't take the bite. Finn rolled his eyes again, his brother was such a wanker.
- Tell me then. Dave did. Talked about lips, tongues, teeth, cheeks, chins and breathes. Finn listened. Knew it all, already. But he was fascinated to hear about it, how Dave could describe, put words to actions he never even thought could be worded. He liked it. Listening to Dave's proud words, he actually knew something about something that he never knew something about. He felt good over Finn's listening face, a face he didn't often put on. He never had time to listen. Finn never understood that. That he was perceived as absent, non-listening. Because he most usually listened, just didn't really care to answer or listen too carefully. Finn went to bed that night with the words of his brother spinning around in his head. He had a short, very short fantasy. The two of them in a passionate kiss, like one of those Dave had described. He didn't even remember it the next day.
They got sixteen. And seventeen. The two of them spent a lot of time together. Not in any inappropriate way, just like they normally did. They didn't mention the kissing. They were like always. Everything was like always. It was Tuesday. Any day really. They were sitting in Dave's room. Dave in his chair, just by the bed, in front of his desk. His computer turned on. The clock was ticking, it had just passed eleven pm. Finn probably should have gone to his room by this time, go to bed and have a nice night's sleep before school the next day. He didn't. He lay with his head on Dave's pillow, nonchalantly watched him work.
- You want to practice? Finn asked, both serious and laughing and biting his lip. Dave threw him a look back. First, he didn't understand what Finn was talking about. When he saw the questioning smile in corner of his mouth, he got it. He turned to the screen again.
- Aren't we a little too old for that? He asked, for once actually not having any idea what Finn would answer. He could have wondered forever, since Finn didn't respond at all. They went silent for a while. Dave pushed his brows together, looked extremely concentrated on whatever he was doing. Finn slowly sat up. Yawned, stretched his arms and back. Turned his head towards his brother. He reached out and stroked his short nails across Dave's bare back.
- Finn… Dave poorly warned him. Finn made an offended sound and said he only scratched his back, told him to chill down. He didn't intend to stop. He put his feet to the floor, got up and stood behind Dave, who sat video editing. Finn pressed his nails under Daves ribs and dragged his fingers towards his spine. Dave stopped his editing, closed his eyes and just felt the mixed painful and pleasant feeling he got. It was one of those moments again. They couldn't stop it, didn't know how to handle it. Finn leaned his head down, once kissed the side of Dave's neck. They both got a little staring. Dave slowly turned his head. Gazing eyes. For once, the only time so far, Dave was the one to initiate a kiss. A small kiss that soon developed into a deep one, since they both had more experience in the field since their last sharing. They didn't explore. They simply made out. Finn pulled his shirt of, Dave quickly stood up and their throbbing bodies touched. Dave, the none confident twin with one relationship resting in his past, wasn't really sure. He didn't hesitate though. He was honest, didn't like to lie, barley ever did. And there was Finn, Finn the older twin. Bragging about everything, things he'd done, things he hadn't done. A lying bastard. Said he'd been with tons of girls, but never actually had. Only kissing, snogging, French kissing. Never actually anymore. Truthfully, neither of the two young men even had been near. All of that equalled, they lost their virginity's to each other.
They hadn't planned for it, God, absolutely no. Never thought they, siblings, twins, could ever do such a thing. Nevertheless, Finn had thought about it. What it would be like, how it would feel, what it would make of them. He didn't see himself as gay. Never was interested in boys that way. He'd loved Dave since forever, he would love him forever. But another man? No. Dave was just… Dave.
Dave however, had been thinking along the gay-lines. He was interested in girls, so not full out gay, but definitly bi-curious. Never kissed a guy before or after Finn though. Barley kissed more girls then his only girlfriend. And it wasn't something he'd ever told anyone. Not even Finn. But if you'd taken the time to go through his internet history, you'd found out that there weren't a completely straight boy sitting by the computer. And now, there he was, in the same bed as another man. Not a man he'd pictured.
Finn had thought it would make them closer. Even closer than they already was. Dave had thought it would make them very uncomfortable, maybe even sick with the sight of the other. In the end, they practically got each other's expectation. They lie in Dave's bed. Naked, exposed, both confused as hell. Dave gazed at Finn's face. People said they looked exactly alike. They hadn't watched close enough. They didn't look the same at all. Finn had different shaped brows, larger nose, his moth more crooked in the other way. Finn stared straight up. Didn't dare to look at his brother. What the fuck had they done? All that confident had vanished. He couldn't understand. How had it happened? Finn sat up, tossed his legs over the bedside. He put his underwear back on, sat down again. Placed his head in his hands and elbows on his knees. Felt Dave watching his every move. Dave sat up, reached a hand out but Finn pulled an inch away. Dave withdrew his hand, put it in his lap and sighed.
- Finn, he said hesitatingly.
- Don't. Finn pressed his eyelids together, put his hands over his face. Chewed his own lips. He didn't feel sick. Just… sort of… distant. Dave moved closer to Finn's back and put his hand on his shoulder. Finn couldn't make himself leave.
- Put some clothes on, he angrily wheezed instead and stood up. He found his jeans, pulled them on and put on his tee. He wandered around, biting his own knuckles. Dave slowly put his boxers back on. Finn refused to look at him before he was fully dressed again.
- This never happened. It's never going to happen again. You hear that? Never. He stood in front of Dave, aggressively pointed at him, frowning like mad and his voice was low and dead serious. Dave didn't say anything, neither looked at him. He just simply picked his hoodie up, went around a stiff-looking Finn and left the room quietly.
They went different ways to school. Spent practically three years apart. The first year was hard. They didn't know how to speak to each other. Finn finally manned up and started send messages over Skype. A couple of weeks later, they chatted every single day. Caught up. Ten months after their departure, Dave called. It was awkward, one of the most unpleasant things they'd ever done. But they outlived it and every regular- and skype-call was a lot easier after that. A day, just a week before they were seeing each other for the first time since collage started, Finn called his brother with only one subject he wanted to discuss. Almost year had passed since they'd met last time. Dave answered, but told him he'd call back in a minute or two. It took him twenty-three.
- I met someone, Finn said when he finally was called back. Didn't want to small talk, just get it out there.
- You did? Wow, me too. Finn told him her name, Mila, and that they'd gone out for a couple of weeks. They went to a couple of the same lectures and Dave genuinely seemed happy for him. He was "glad to hear it". Finn could nearly see his brother smiling wherever he was. It was comforting. What it was comforting for, Finn didn't know. Just was. He asked for Dave's girlfriend's name.
- That's what I wanted to tell you… Dave said with a low voice, like he was the one that had call to tell something big. Finn waited for the rest but it didn't come. He sighed.
- Right? Impatient. Dave sounded like he didn't want to answer, even though he'd just told he wanted to tell something. Typical.
- It's… She's… She is a he. It got quiet.
- Oh… I… congrats bro!
- We haven't gone public yet, I wanted to tell you first. Finn didn't know what to say more than that. So he went silent. Again. Dave wondered if Finn was surprised. Dave got startled by the clear answer.
It was at a party. They'd just been home a couple of days. Dave was there, Finn too and they both had their significant other with them. Dave had been going to school just twenty minutes from where their mother had lived but Finn had had to bring Mila with him. It hadn't been the least awkward for them to meet or talk or hang out. Until now. Playing spin the bottle and whenever the bottle was pointing at you, you had to answer a question.
- Your first time.
The twins looked at each other. Finn was scared, Dave could tell. Dave already planned what he would say if he'd ever come to this situation.
- It was with a person I loved very much and who loved me. Both of us, first time. It was… something. We had a troubled relationship though. Didn't last long. He didn't want to say anything more and therefore didn't. He hadn't let go of Finn's eye till this very moment.
- Was it a guy or a girl? His boyfriend asked. Dave smiled a little and turned his way. They weren't really the jealous type, none of them. Still, Dave could see his boyfriend actually cared this time. He decided to be honest and not to ignore the follow up question.
- A guy. Not the answer he wanted.
- You know him still? You love him? Dave reached in, asked whispering if he didn't love his first love still? Sam, the boyfriend, nodded. Embarrassed. He took his hand and held it tight. He saw Finn do the same with Mila, but the way he looked at Dave, it was like he wanted it to be his hand.
Sam wasn't there. Mila had continued her vacation and gone home to her parents.
She was expected back a couple of weeks before school started. Their mom were on a short shopping-spree. Their dad in a cabin, somewhere far from home with his brothers and sisters. Dave and Finn had their mother's house to themselves. For the first time in over a year they were left alone with each other's presents, not just on different ends of a phone-line. They were sitting in the living room. Dave on his computer, Finn watching some really bad show on the TV. Dave wanted to talk. He didn't know how to though. He didn't want Finn to shut down, put him out of his life again, he was afraid that would happen if he brought the subject up in a bad way. In the end he figured there were nothing else but a bad way, put the computer down on the table and tried to clear his throat without making a sound. It sounded really loud.
- So, we really are never gonna talk about it? Finn's eyes widened, he gave Dave a vicious look and angrily shook his head. Dave sighed, annoyed. That was the wrong way, of course it was, but what else?
- I am going to talk about it. I'm going to talk to you. Maybe not with you, but to you. Is that even remotely okay? He waited. For an outburst, another sign of disapproval, headshake or grumpy sound. After a while he got a nod. A fucking nod. He nearly jumped up and down but thought that wasn't such a good idea. And, man, he talked. He probably talked for an hour. Explained everything he could think of, from how he didn't want them to ever not talk like they'd done or – for that matter – ever do it again. That he felt like the whole thing probably shouldn't have happened but it did and there wasn't anything they could ignore forever. He wanted Finn to know he loved him, always had and always would but he knew, told him that they both knew, that the love should only stay brotherly and not romantically. It had been stupid of them both to think and act otherwise. He said that if Finn would've been more like Dave it never would've been anything to begin with. He told him he thought about him in the wrong way sometimes but it was just because he was such a good kisser, it's not likely you forget good kisses when you haven't had too many. He made clear he was in love with Sam, that the announcement of them being together felt good and being with him also did. Finn didn't say a single word. Confident, talkative and brave Finn sat and listened without even trying to say something. It was nearly as if it was Finn's personality inside of Dave for the moment and vice versa. Dave would have just listened to the rant, just like Finn did. Finn shouldn't have. But when it came to them, where the “them” wasn't just the two twins but the two twins who had slept together, Finn wasn't really the same person. Dave felt done with his case. He'd said everything, explained and argued with himself, he had walked around the room, sat down, walked around again. He had looked at Finn, he hadn't, he had stood close, been far away. Now. He watched his brother as he finally raised his gaze and looked back. They were sitting next to each other, Dave had sat down not more than ten seconds ago. They stared at one another for a long time. Then Finn took a deep breath, it sounded like he was about to cry and he lowered his eyes.
- I love you more than words can ever say and songs can ever describe. I love you more than I need air and I love you more than I love myself. I really do love you and you should never believe otherwise, whatever I have ever said or done or pretended, he said. His voice was a small boys, not the tall eighteen year old he really was. He played with his fingers and as he looked down on them, a teardrop splashed down on them. He cried and he felt embarrassed and Dave just embraced him, hugged him so hard it hurt. Finn didn't stop crying and to his surprised, Dave started to.
- I never doubted that, Dave whispered and the twins, one two minutes older than the other, found themselves accepting things as they were and finally started to move passed it.