The craving in my gut was horrible but the pain in my chest was overwhelming as I looked down at my baby asleep in her car seat. It had taken everything I had to leave Blake. I just knew that he was wrong and that we wouldn’t be safe there. I knew I hadn’t been doing a good job taking care of my baby girl since I left the pack. I felt it and it made me afraid for her future. So there I was about to do the most horrific thing I could ever think of doing.
I had a drug problem and I knew it. I was not able to take care of her then, not properly. I needed to get up on my feet and kick the cocaine first. I would come back for her. I told myself that in hopes that I would, but I wasn’t really so sure as I looked at the track marks on my arms. I wasn’t that strong of a person, so I worried that I wouldn’t be able to. I wanted better for her than what I could give her at that moment.
I leaned down and stared at her for a moment, memorizing every inch of her sweet little face. I felt the tears starting as my eyes burned. Blinking them back I pinned the note to the car seat and kissed her forehead softly. “Mama loves you Hope.” The tears started to fall and I hurried to ring the buzzer and run around the corner to watch.
The door opened and I saw this huge fireman look down and smile at my daughter who was moving around a little in her seat. He looked around for me and I saw him shake his head. He leaned down and picked up the car seat and started cooing to my little angel.
Once the door shut I had to steel myself to turn and leave. The mad craving for drugs superseded my need for everything else and so I turned and went to the part of the city where I knew I could score something that would make me feel better.