Lucky took a deep breath as he stood before the door concealing his fate. He’d been sleeping in Benji’s bed for three nights now and it had to stop. The poor Pup was getting no sleep but refused to complain once. He wasn’t doing this for himself. He was doing this for his friend.
After knocking twice, the door creaked open, and Sebastian’s face appeared. His skin was glowing a shade of pale grey and his eyes were tinged red, a glossy void of nothingness clouding his pupils. “Blue.” He sniffed, opening the door fully to let him in.
Lucky bowed his head and slipped into the room. “Hey, Steel.” He murmured quietly.
“No, no, no, don’t say that.” Sebastian begged. When Lucky finally glanced up, it was almost as if Sebastian wasn’t really looking at him, more through him. “Not Steel. Not to you. Please, Blue.”
“You said you’d slit my throat if I called you Sebastian. You don’t remember?” Lucky leant back against the bed frame, searching Sebastian’s face for any clue of recognition.
“That was before.” Sebastian whispered. “It’s not like you ever listened anyway.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” Lucky decided bluntly. “I don’t want to talk about anything. I didn’t come here to sort things out. I came because I need my bed back.”
“Felix, you have to hear me out—”
“Don’t call me that!” He snapped. “I’m not Felix, or Blue, or Alex. I’m Lucky. Okay?”
Sebastian flinched and nodded slowly, “Of course.” He whispered. Despite his tall build, he looked vulnerable, almost as if he needed protection from something. From himself.
“You’re high.” Lucky spat. “Did Diesel do this?”
Sebastian didn’t bother denying the fact that drugs were coursing through his system and infiltrating his logical mind. “It wasn’t Diesel.” He focussed on the floor beneath his feet, fiddling with his sleeve like a child. “It was—”
“I don’t care.” Lucky interrupted sharply. “You’re gonna end up back in rehab. Don’t ruin your life, Steel. I’m not worth it.”
“You’re worth the world to me, Blue. Shit — Lucky. I’m sorry.”
“I can’t do this.” Lucky said plainly. “I’m your roommate; I share a room with you. But that’s all. We’re not dating and we’re not friends, okay?”
Sebastian’s eyes were so heavy with sadness, they were on the verge of melting into tears. “Please—”
“I love you.” Lucky’s voice shook as a tear slipped carelessly down his cheek. “And I’ll love you for a long time, Sebastian. I can’t deny that.”
“Then please just give me another—”
“But you don’t love me back.” He whispered. “It’s okay, you can admit it. I know.”
Sebastian was silent as he gulped, his incessant fidgeting becoming more and more noticeable.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not Alex’s fault. It’s just how things are.” Lucky continued quietly, wiping his tears with the back of his hand and trying not to let his voice ripple with sobs. “You can’t love me while you still love him.”
“I can.” Sebastian pressed. “I can, Lucky. Just give me a chance—”
“I can’t make you happy.” He sniffed, but the tears were falling too fast for him to be able to brush them away. “Alex can’t either. Maybe no one can you make you happy. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry you loved someone who died. I’m sorry you still love them. It hurts. I know it does, but...but I’m hurt too. I need to start prioritising my own mentality, Sebastian.”
Sebastian didn’t say a thing as every one of Lucky’s words sent another wave of crushing devastation through his body.
“If I let myself be guilt tripped into sympathising with you, I’m only gonna end up like those thousands of broken people out there. I’ll end up with scars on my wrists and organs that don’t function properly because of an overdose.” He was speaking softly, so quiet that he could barely hear the words over the sound of his beating heart. But Sebastian heard. He heard it all. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.” Sebastian repeated, his lashes clinging together from tears, his cheeks wet and his fingers trembling. He was about to turn around and head out to give Lucky some space, but he was trapped in place with the tightest hug he’d ever received.
The two stood wrapped up in each other’s arms for as long as their legs could keep them upright. Neither were quite sure how much time had passed when they finally pulled away, but it didn’t matter.
Lucky loved Sebastian, but Sebastian didn’t love him back. There’s was nothing either of them could do, but end it. So that’s what they did.
It was over.
Kit watched his roommate lean against the windowsill and slip a cigarette between his lips. He’d never seen Benji smoke before, yet he appeared to be a natural. “Since when has this been a thing?” Kit rose his brows and hopped off the bed. He plucked a fag from the packet resting on the chest of drawers and lit the tip.
Benji shrugged. “My ex used to be addicted.” He admitted, his eyes fogged over as he gazed out the window. “I somehow got into it too.” He sighed. “I quit, but...I don’t know, I saw a packet in Diesel’s jeans the other day and took it without thinking.”
Kit laughed and inhaled a lungful of toxic smoke. “Fair enough. What you thinking ’bout?”
“My Mum.” He said softly.
“Yeah? What’s she like?”
“Missing. Or dead.”
Kit froze, lowering his cigarette and turning to face Benji with a completely blank expression. “What...what do you mean?”
“My Dad says she ran away. But I say she’s dead. He killed her.”
“Shit, Pup, I’m—”
“No, it’s okay, don’t feel sorry for me. Please.” He begged. “I don’t even feel anything myself. It’s like I’m empty every time I think about her. Maybe it’s because I don’t know. I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing.”
“I’m sure she’s fine...”
“Maybe.” Benji exhaled heavily and put out his cigarette on the wall, leaving an ashy black mark to join the other marks Kit and previous occupants of room 113 had left. “I’m gonna go to sleep.”
Benji just smiled softly as he retreated into the toilet to brush his teeth, absentmindedly scratching the thin scars that hid beneath his sleeve, digging his fingers into his pale flesh.