Chapter Five – No More
I am five months pregnant now and my stomach started showing which got my mom worried. She don’t want anyone to know about my pregnancy so she sent me to my grandmother’s house who stays in same city but close to outskirts. She like peaceful environment. I like being there so I agreed with her.
My grandmother didn’t say anything unlike her nature. She is very strict and hates it when someone doesn’t follow rules and customs. Sometimes I feel like my mom is replica of her but not as strict as my grandmother but she has these qualities in her.
I can’t wait to see my baby. I got to know that I am having son. I am very excited. I already decided his name Zohaan..Means precious gift. My Zaeem’s precious gift. I will take good care of him.I will not let any harm come near him. just 4 months more.
I am 6 months pregnant now. I started shopping for clothes and other necessary things for my baby. My favourite pass time is talking to my baby and you know he responds to my talks. I can’t help but wonder did he understand what I am saying. Whenever I tell him about Zaeem and how we got married he starts moving a lot I guess he loves his dad just like me. I love you baby and I am sure your papa will love you too if he get to know about you.
Time is passing fast and I am 9 months pregnant now. I can go into labour anytime and I am missing Zaeem a lot. I wish he was with me right now. I am really scared what if something goes wrong. I can’t lose my baby. Please ya Allah keep my baby safe. I have very bad feeling like something bad is about to happen just like I had on the next day of my marraige. I lost Zaeem that day. I don’t want to lose anyone now.
I felt contractions and My grandmother brought me to hospital. After sometime Ammi, Afnaan and Zaiba also came there. Ammi told me that Abba is not in town. I wish he was here..My Zaeem..Where is he? What he might be doing?
Ya Allah it’s really painful..I kept thinking about my baby and Zaeem pushing myself not to lose. Finally I heard the cry..My baby..Welcome to the world..I thought and then I lost consicious.
When I woke up I was looking around to find my baby but I can’t find him. The baby cot is empty. Where is my baby? I called nurse by pressing the bell. When she came I asked her about my baby but she told me to stay calm and then called my mom. Ammi has tears in her eyes.
I asked her,“Where is my baby?”
She said,“He is no more”
no more..no no no this is not happening. My baby is alive. I heard his cry. He is alive. My mom is lying. My baby can’t be dead.
I said,“You are lying..”
She shook her head in no.
I said,“I want to see him.”
She said,“Aneesha try to understand you will not be able to tolerate seeing your baby like that. Afnaan already took him for his last rituals. ”
I shouted,“How could you do this to me mom? My baby..I didn’t even have a look at him. I want to see my son.”
I quickly tried to get up from my bed to walk towards door but the pain in my lower region is not allowing me to go. I took few steps with much difficulty and then they got hold of me. I tried to come out of their hold but nurse gave me a injection and I lost my consicious.
When I woke up I saw my mom was sitting beside me holding my hand but I removed my hand from her hold. I don’t want to talk to her she didn’t let me have a last look at my son. I am never going to forgive her or Afnaan. How could they do this to me? My son.. My Zohaan...I am sorry Zaeem I was not able to protect him. I am sorry Zohaan I was not able to protect you. I am not a good mother. I lost him. I lost both of them due to my stupidity. I have nothing to live for now. I lost all hopes on my life today. it has no meaning to it. I lost my husband and son..What is left for me now?
I was in hospital for a week but I am not talking to any of them. They gave me his picture and he just looks like Zaeem. I want to see his eyes colour but they are closed now I will never find out. I got to know that my son was born weak and had problem to breath. They tried to place him in incubator and provide him oxygen but he died. I am feeling very guilty for not being there and not taking proper care to avoid this situation. This guilt is killing me.
I have not seen my grandmother since I gave birth. My mom took me to our house and told me that she will ask Afnaan to bring my luggage. When I insisted on going on my own she told me that Grandmother don’t want to see me upset which I find as a lame excuse but I let it go.
A month since Zohaan’s birth..I am having very hard time to sleep. I am seeing a psychiatrist to come out of my depression and she suggested to take me to a new place and start everything new. There is no fresh start for me. I don’t care where they take me. I have stopped looking for Zaeem as well. I don’t have in me to face him when I was not able to protect our son.
We moved to turkey and I got to know that my parents already had plans to move here. Dad was away from home as he was making arrangements for our move in.
Sometimes I feel like everything is suspicious but Why will they harm my child. The baby was their grand child as well..May be I am thinking too much..
My mom is hell bent on getting me married to Afnaan but Dad is in my support. He told her not to force me. He and Zaiba always told me that they are there for me. I am not talking to Afnaan and My mom. I can’t forgive them..I just can’t. I joined in college for my graduation.
Mom is too cautious about me that she never allows me to go out alone. Dad or Afnaan will always be there. Afnaan tries a lot to get me out of depression and to make me say yes to our marraige. They either believe it or not I am married so what there is no proof..I know..Allah knows that I am married. I can’t marry again without divorcing Zaeem and I never plan on doing that. I remember my promise.
4 years later
I am sitting in my room when Zaiba came to me and said, “Aneesha. You have got the admission in Dreams university in London. I just received your admission letter.” She showed me the envelope.
I was so happy finally I took my first step towards my dream. I don’t know if my mother will allow me to go or not. We are still not on good terms. I talk with her now but only when it is necessary otherwise we are two strangers living in one house. I still has hope as I think my father will support my dreams. He is the only one who understands me. Zaiba is also there only when it is not related to her brother. I have nothing left in my life after what happened 4 years ago. I am done with crying over my past now I want to pursue my dream to become interior designer. I am so close to my dream. I got admission in best university of London. I have not forgotton Zaeem or Zohaan they will always be part of my life but I am trying to live my life. I had no goal in life but then I thought of making Zaeem proud if we ever come across. He should not see me as a failure. I want to be something. With this thought I started to have a wish to become designer and now it became my dream..my goal. My hope towards future.
My mom wants me to get married to Afnaan because he is ready to accept me even after knowing that I was pregnant but I don’t like him in that way. No matter what she thinks Me and Afnaan always a big NO..
I was waiting for my dad to come so I can talk to him about my admission.
My father arrived home. He freshened up and had dinner when I showed him my Admission letter. I hope he supports me.