Lisette has been in touch regularly, even if not frequently. She generally just talks about life there, how their business is flourishing and how the season is going. I long to hear from her, as I still hope she will give me news from Kiri. Despite all my good intentions, I have still not managed to completely let him go, to close the last door on him. I still hope to hear he has been looking for me, he wants me back. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help it.
Her last message, though, is disturbing.
I think there’s something you should know, and I feel guilty about having kept is from you for so long. I was told to mind my own business and made to promise not to tell, but I think it’s important you know.
There was a girl before you. She was with Sanka at first, then she met Kiri and chose him… I saw her a few times. I witnessed Kiri being violent to her. Then they moved away, and I saw her only a couple of times after that. Each time she looked more and more emaciated and sad. Nobody really knows what happened to her. Nobody really knew her well. She was always on her own and then she just disappeared. Kiri said they broke up, and she went back to France, but nobody knows the details. And I’m sure there is more, but I haven’t found out yet. They all clam up in this strange loyalty to each other. They all see, they all know, but nobody tells, nobody interferes. You know how it is here.
Her message leaves me shaken. I’m torn between a faint feeling of jealousy, for not having been the only one, and the worry that something awful could have happened to someone else. But I’m mainly in pain for myself. Hearing about him hurts so much, I can’t let him back in. I’m not strong enough to hear about him yet.
I message her back: Please don’t talk to me about Kiri again. Not for a while. I need to get better, and I can’t think about him or anything to do with him for now.
Sure, just let me know when you are ready. She answers.
Will I ever be ready? Will he ever leave my head? Can I ever forget him and move on?