My Two Loves

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Making Sense of it All

Still trying to process the events of the last few days, I have been living in a constant fog, autopilot engaged. I’ve eaten, I’ve slept, somewhat restlessly, I’ve even showered, once, I remember doing none of it. Questions, so many questions whirling around in my brain, why didn’t we make her come with us? Why was she speeding? Why did Mike have to pick this of all weekends to overdose? Did he know Anna would be on her own, vulnerable to him? Was killing himself his real intention or was he trying to guilt her? Why was she so reckless? Why did she have to hit the one wet patch on the motorway? Why didn’t she call some of us? What was she thinking? Filling a tumbler with gin I take a gulp; it doesn’t help the questions are still there plaguing me. Perhaps another one will, gulp, nope, nag, nag, nag.

“Livi.” A voice penetrates the fog it’s Red, he and Pearse have stayed with me since it happened, they think I might do something stupid if left alone, I think they might be right. “You need to eat something.” Do I? My brain asks my lips say nothing, weakly nodding I rise from the sofa and follow him to the dining room. The table is neatly set with three place settings; for some reason, it makes me smile. Red directs we to sit down as Pearse emerges from the kitchen carrying a roast chicken with all the trimmings, when did they do all this, who cooked it neither of them could boil an egg.

“You do not want to see the mess of the kitchen; it looks like a bomb has hit it.” He says setting the serving platter onto the table, another small smile forms on my face.

“Thank you both.” A hoarse croaky sound emits from me.

“We love you Livi you’re always there for us when we need you, so we’re just giving a little back.” Red says kissing me on the forehead.

“Did you two cook this?” They laugh, well it’s a fair question I have seen their previous culinary efforts, and none were anywhere near edible.

“We sure did.” They simultaneously reply, plating up a huge serving for me, I dig in, it tastes as good as it looks, I am impressed.

“After dinner, I shall draw you a bath, and you can have a good soak.” Red says shovelling a forkful of food into his mouth. A subtle hint that I need to wash, sniffing myself, I do stink, and a bath does sound fantastic. Stabbing a roast carrot with my fork, I feel guilt wash over me, I shouldn’t be enjoying food and good company, not when Anna is gone. My fork clinks on the plate, tears trickle down my face and for the first time in days I cry. “Let it all out Livi.” Red says as he and Pearse wrap their arms around me, crying until I can cry no more, I sigh kiss them both on the cheek and say;

“Let’s eat before this lovely food goes to waste.”


“Your bath mademoiselle,” Red says opening the bathroom door, the smell of lemon and rosemary caresses my nose, the room dimly lit with candles strategically placed around the room.

“This is amazing Red, thank you, both of you.”

“Oi are you going to help me clean this kitchen up.” Pearse says as he peeks around the door, “Aww damn thought I might get to see a bit of skin.”

“OUT.” Joey says, shooing him out the door, “Yell if you need anything.”

“I will.” Slipping out of my clothes, I sink into the warm bath. Downstairs the clinking of dishes and the muffled arguments make me smile. I lean back against the bath pillow, closing my eyes, I breathe in and out deeply the scent of lemon and rosemary clearing my mind a little. It’ll get easier a voice in the back of my brain tells me, I do hope so. I’ve never known feelings like this before and have no wish ever to feel them again. Unfortunately, it is life; we live, we love, we die. The racket downstairs has stopped they must be done with cleaning either that or they have killed each other. The latter being more likely than the former. Loud footsteps are stomping up the stairs; it almost sounds like they are racing each other, what are they up to. The door bursts open the two of them standing each carrying a tray with an assortment of cakes and teas.

“What’s all this?”

“Tea.” They say in unison; I can see that, how many people are we expecting.

“Are we expecting company?” They look crestfallen at my comment.

“I told you it was too much.” Joey says nudging Pearse with his elbow.

“No, no it’s not too much it’s wonderful thank you. Do join me?”

“In the bath.” Pearse says his face lighting up like a Christmas tree.

“No not in the bath you wouldn’t both fit for a start.”

“True, you need a bigger bath Livi,” Joey comments as he sets his tray down on the counter. “Here I’ll scrub your back for you.”

Handing him the sponge, he dips it into the water, with gentle up and down strokes, he sponges down my back.

“Ugh, why didn’t I think of that.” Pearse says, a disappointed expression on his face, he can always make me smile.

“Whose idea was all this?” I ask, sipping from the fine bone china cup Pearse just handed me, hibiscus tea my favourite.

“It was a joint effort; we didn’t know what else to do to help.”

“We know it doesn’t change anything; we can’t bring Anna back, we just want you to know that we are here for you, always.” Joey says as he continues to wash my back.

“Thank you; I don’t deserve either of you.”

“Nonsense we’re all you deserve.” Smartarse, “They're all clean.” Joey says, kissing my shoulder he rises to his feet, he is tall, random thought pops into my head. “I’ve moved some of my stuff into one of your spare rooms. Thought I’d take you up on that offer.”

“Offer, what offer? This is the first time I’m hearing about any offer.”

“Pearse your already have a room here, which you use frequently.”

“Yeah but I’ve never been asked to stay permanently.”

“Well, now you have.”

“Maybe I don’t want to anymore.”

“Fine.” Rising out of the water, stepping out of the bath, I say, “Bathrobe, please.” Extending my hand, Joey hands me the fluffy white robe. “I think we should continue our tea in the living room.” Tying my robe, I sweep past them and exit the bathroom.

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