Mindy had told herself so many times that she was walking away from Dax, it was almost a continuing mantra that ran like a song in her head. Yet here she was again at Dax’s place, in his bed, in his room, torturing herself about a love she was never going to get.
A snore came from the man next to her and she turned her head looking at the man who was her whole world. Her fingers reached over tracing over his tattoos on his back, and wanting nothing more to be even closer to him than she was, but knowing it was never going to happen.
Her hands ran over her face not knowing if she was keeping herself from screaming, or crying at this point. But soon her breaths came in deep huffs as she tried to get her emotions under control.
She quickly got out of bed so not to wake Dax, because the last thing she wanted right now was him angry at her, again. So instead she sat on the chair next to the dresser, alone, naked, with her arms wrapped around her knees and tucked tightly under her chin trying to get her thoughts together.
She stared at the man sleeping in the bed as she wiped some tears from her face. Why did she have to love him so much, why couldn’t she just let him go? He obviously didn’t love her, and had said as much for such a long time now. But whenever she was near him, and his hands touched her body, he kissed her lips, when he was inside her, there was nothing in the world that mattered more to her… not even her best friends.
“Why do you have to be so damn beautiful?” She whispered looking at his face. “Haven’t I given you everything I am and more, what else can I do to make you love me?” She asked holding in the sob that wanted to come out.
She jumped up from the chair running to the guest bathroom so Dax wouldn’t hear her having another break down. But as she closed the door and turned on the light, what she saw looking back at her from the mirror, it scared the hell out of her.
She went to the mirror and it was like seeing herself for the very first time. Her complexion was pale, her face hallowed and thin, and her eyes were swollen and red which seemed to be a permanent fixture on her face at this point. “How did you become so damn pathetic?” She hissed. “Don’t you have any respect for yourself at all, or is this all you’re willing to be from now on… a fucking door mat?!”
“Now you get your ass back in that room and get dressed you stupid, fucking, bitch!” She fumed pointing a finger at herself in the mirror. But instead of heeding her own words, tears started to fall as her lips trembled at the thought at never being with him again, and her head fell. “You’re going to end up killing yourself, you know that right? Is that what you want, to be just like your mother?” She murmured shaking her head.
“Wake up… Dax doesn’t want you, and he sure in hell doesn’t love you. So why are you still torching yourself over him when he’s told you he wanted you to just move on.” She sighed as she watched the tears hit the counter. She looked back up at herself and thought of how Dax had made love to her tonight. He was rough, unfeeling, angry even, and when he rolled off her when he was done, he just turned over and went to sleep. It was right then she knew it was really over.
“Please, please, go put your clothes on, grab you purse, and walk out of this house knowing that you’re never going to come back.” She pleaded with herself. “For once in your life Mindy do what’s best for you, and your damn sanity. You’re only holding on by a thread here.”
She bit her lip, and did something she never thought she'd do... she opened the medicine cabinet, reached for her toothbrush, and then threw it in the trash. She must have stood over that stupid can fighting with herself not to reach back in and get the damn thing out for at least five minutes. But then she was able to pull herself away and head back to the bedroom to get dressed.
She dressed quickly but quietly, afraid if she stayed too much longer, she’d lose her nerve to do what needed to be done. But also knowing if Dax woke up, she’d get lost in her head again on why she should stay and make him love her… it’s a hard truth when someone finds out just how fucked up they really were...
When she was dressed, she shut the door behind and hurried to the front room. She slipped on her boots, and grabbed her bag reaching in for her keys, then stopped. She stared at them in her hand as she went to the kitchen table and sat down placing the keys in front of her, and then sitting back just looking at them. There, on the ring, along with all the other keys and trinkets was one little black guitar key. It was the key to Dax's place, and it was staring back... taunting her.
“If you’re going to do this, I mean really do this, you know what has to be done.” She whispered, and after what felt like an eternity, she finally pulled the damn thing off the key ring and held it in her palm.
She couldn’t believe how hard her hand was shaking, Dax really had become more of an addiction then she had even realized up until that moment. But with one last deep breath, she placed the key on the table, before finding her resolve to push herself away and leave.
When she made her way to the front door, she turned back around for one last look at everything that had been her world for such a long time now. “I deserve so much better then you Dax. So, goodbye.” She whispered, and then closed the door behind her, for good.