“Okay,” Daniel says from across the table. Daniel, my brother Dex and I are all eating burgers at Meatless Sal’s. It’s the most revolting fast food joint in town. How does a burger joint with the word ‘Meatless’ in the name become the most popular lunch spot?
“So, she calls me,” Daniel continues. “This time from a payphone, and she says to me ‘Dan, I’ve got a confession’ so I tell her that I isn’t no priest. But get this, she’s not only drunk and calling from a payphone, but she’s with my brother Smithy.”
I take a bite of my burger, defiantly tastes meatless that’s for sure. Is that a pickle? I don’t think I ordered pickles. Even if I did who asks for one pickle on a burger?
“What’s Smithy doing there?” My brother Dex asks through a mouthful of fries.
“If your greasy ass can shut up then I’ll tell you!” Daniel snaps, his New York accent sounding strong. “Anyway, so she’s with my brother Smithy. I ask her what she’s doing out drinking with him, and get this, she tells me she’s freaking knocked up! With Smithy’s child, crazy, right?”
I almost spit burger out of my mouth. But I’m not sure if it was because of the story or because that wasn’t a pickle.
“Smithy’s having a baby?!” I practically yell.
This kid still shits himself sometimes there’s no way he will be able to clean up somebody else’s shit.
Daniel laughs loudly and goes, “No, no absolutely not!”
I heave a sigh of relief for the unborn child.
“The chick was lying the whole time,” He tells us. “Turns out the girl was pregnant with her mother’s new boyfriend and tried to rope poor Smithy into it. My boy Smithy was practically suicidal thinking he was ought to be father.”
“Jeez,” Dex says.
“But then get this, this the best part,” Daniel continues. “Smithy was going insane with all the stress and then he tells me he never even once got in her pants!”
We all burst out laughing.
“But then how would it be his?” I say through laughs.
“That’s typical Smithy,” Dex says.
Smithy is hands down, hell, entire body down the dumbest human being I have ever met. I’m going to go out on a limb here, but possibly even the dumbest human being in the world.
“Enough about Smithy though,” Daniel says. “Tell me what the hell is was like spending the year in The City of Angels.”
I’ve got to admit, spending the year in L.A with my dad was pretty sweet, but Daniel doesn’t know the real reason I went. I told him my dad had a work thing down there and could only bring one person with him. Truth is, my parents split just before the end of last summer. My dad moved to L.A and my mom stayed here with Dex. I went with my dad because I felt bad for him and things were pretty shitty here. Daniels my best friend but I’ve never told him why I really went, and I don’t plan on it.
“Way better than being stuck here with you two,” I joke.
“Hey, you’ve got to have missed your best buddie Big D right here!” Daniel says.
Daniel insists we call him Big D, but the only one that actually calls him that is himself. He says his dream is to marry a woman with double D’s so together they are Triple D. As you can probably tell, Daniel’s life goals are incredibly high.
“So, you didn’t miss your little lady friend?” Daniel wiggles his thick eyebrows at me.
Women tend to think Daniel is attractive, until he opens his mouth. My mom says he’s got that dark, mysterious look which makes me question her taste.
Dex gives Daniel a look signaling him to shut up, but I answer him anyway to prove a point.
“No, I didn’t miss that bitch,” I tell them. “Jade could walk in this shithole burger joint right now and I wouldn’t-”
“Speak of the devil,” Dex says.
Right then she walks in, I haven’t seen her in almost a year. She looks good, even better than I remember her.
She’s got this long brown hair that practically reaches her butt and these eyes that change from blue to green depending on the lighting. I could get lost in those eyes for hours. She’s wearing those high waisted jeans I love on her, the ones that shape her ass perfectly. Her waist is so tiny too, I remember I could practically fit my hands right around it. She’s in a tiny little tank top now too, showing off how small her waist is and I have this want to put my hands around it again, it’s too bad she’s such a bitch.
Daniel smiles at me wickedly and says, “Kelly’s with her and looks hot. Should we call her over and say hello?”
Kelly is Jade’s best friend, a tiny Russian girl who is a little crazy. Though I’ve never met a Russian girl who isn’t a little crazy. But if Daniel calls Kelly over then Jade is forced to walk over with her and I don’t want to have to see how much sexier she looks up close.
“Oh shit,” Dex says, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Your still hung up on this girl, aren’t you?”
“Am not,” I tell them, and not in my most mature voice might I add.
“You definitely are,” Daniel says. “Your so hung up on that we should call you a telemarketer.”
“Your so hung up Madonna made that song just for you.” Dex jumps in.
“Your so hung up that if you were Asian your name would be Sew-Hung.”
“Shut up!” I tell them. “I don’t give a shit about her. You guys both know what she did.”
Dex looks down at his fries in guilt.
“Dex I told you I’m not mad at you for it,” I tell him. “It’s her who I’m mad at.”
Daniel pops a fry in his mouth and says, “If your mad that means you still care.”
“You really think I still care about her?” I ask. “Do you even know how much ass I got when I was in L.A?”
“Shit!” Daniel practically yells. “How much ass? I want to know in pounds, inches and number of women!”
Truthfully, I didn’t hook up with anyone while I was there. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
“A lot,” I confirm. “Almost every week I had a new girl it was insane. My dad was doing business stuff most of the time so I had the cottage to myself, but I was never really by myself if you know what I mean.”
Are you familiar with the theory; The bigger the lie, the more believable it is?
Daniel loses his mind, telling me that I have to teach him my ‘Way of the Woman’ or something. But all I really did when I was in L.A was hit the gym, crush protein shakes and watch episodes of SpongeBob in my boxers alone on the pull-out couch. But I never even had to pull it out, because I was always alone. Jeez, I’m depressing.
“Hey Kelly!” Daniel yells from across the restaurant. I could kill this kid, I really could.
Kelly smiles and waves while Jade pretends to be on her phone. I know she feels awkward because she’s the type to find everything awkward.
I watch them get their burgers to go and then leave. A part of me is relieved, but a part of me wants her to come back. But then another part of me hates her so damn much. I’m supposed to be the fuckboy, when did it become legal for girls to claim that title? I thought men had that shit patented.
I hear Dex start to hum “Hung Up” by Madonna and I throw he rest of my burger at him.
I could kill them both, I really could.