Laying in bed looking out the window at the night sky in Belfast Ireland, I was holding onto the vest Damien gave me.
I felt so lonely! But happy to have my son.
I had tears in my eyes, I missed my mom so… much!
She always knew what to do and say when I was upset. But, I didn't have her anymore and I was the mom with my son sleeping next me.
I also missed Damien, Jack and everyone else that made me feel apart of their family. I wanted my little boy surrounded by family meeting his father, grandfather, Beast, Zest & Jason who would be great uncles to have in his life, not halfway across the world.
I've also put some thought into seeing if Beast would want to be my son's godfather if Damien agreed and everything turns out alright. Not because Beast save me once. It's because I saw the respect and family bond Damien & Beast had & I just think it would be good for Beast, he seems to be a good man and a good uncle to me.
I knew Damien got out of prison two weeks ago and I was so.. tempted to call him, just hear his voice. But Taz said I shouldn't risk it. I knew he was right and it was pissing me off. I liked to do things when and how I wanted to. That's what my grandfather and mother always taught me. Don't be afraid, take charge! No holding back and face your problems and fears and you'll feel proud of yourself of what you accomplished in the end. If you don't you won't feel happy and get anywhere in life.
Right now, I'm anywhere & not happy!
I thought running and staying away is the right thing to do to protect my son and not get in Jack's way. But its not doing me any good if I'm not happy just waiting around for something to happen.
Good or bad!
In times like this, I need a plan!
Laying with tears isn't helping. So the only thing left to do is get up, relax in the tub like I always do when I need to think & plan.
Once the tub was full, I dipped in the clear hot steaming water, instantly relaxing my body when I was submerged leaning against the side. After a few minutes of pondering. I knew if I went back to L.A. I would be risking myself and Taz would try to talk me out of it before I could, but I know I have to do something! When Taz told me Lopez got shot I was upset and wanted to see him. But again Taz said it wasn't a good idea and when I tried to get answers he wouldn't talk. So that left me in the dark about stuff that's been going on.
I don't like to be kept in the dark! That means something's up!
I don't even care if it's for my own good! I have a right to know.
So far I haven't called Jack or Damian because I believed Taz has kept me up to date so no one caught wind of where I've been. But after not getting answers to simple questions I ask. I'm starting to question Taz and Lopez. I agreed and went along with Lopez to have Taz with me because he helped Damien while in prison. I've let Lopez know where I'm at and what I been up to. If he can't do the same anymore! I'm ditching Taz and have Stacey watch my baby at a safe location no one will no about while I go back to do things my way.
I can't keep going on like this alone, my son needs his daddy.
The first thing I'm going to do is buy a disposable phone tomorrow evening and call Hanna on it in the middle of the night to see what's been happening with Damien & the club. Then ask Taz or (Lopez on the phone) the next day for answers again. I want to see if they'll give them to me or if their lying about something.
It will depend on their truthfulness if I ditch Taz or stay.
With somewhat kind of a plan I pulled the plug in the tub, dried & dressed before curling back up in bed next to my son.
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