People have so much of it. Fear of death, fear of touch, fear of spiders, fear of happiness even fear of living.
People get so consumed by all of their irrational fears and then their fear actually happens.
You pay so much attention to your fears that you can actually be the cause of your fear coming true.
You get so consumed by fear that you don’t notice anything or anyone around you, therefore the way fear works is the sole reason that I am not afraid to find out what is wrong.
After I passed out yesterday, I woke up in the hospital like usual, by now this place feels like a second home and I hate it.
I woke with Jonah and my mom next to me looking worried, at first I didn’t remember a thing and then Jonah told me that he found me on the ground passed out just outside the bathroom.
Then it all came back to me and I started to panic. Then it dawned on me that the panic made me feel dizzy so I stopped.
The doctor came in and of course they sent me and my almost unable to stand body to do tests. They said that they will only have a result by today and so here I am, back in hospital.
“What are you thinking about?” My eyes travel to Jonah who is getting up from his sleep and rubbing his eyes.
“I just couldn’t sleep.” he gave me a small smile “so you sat here the whole night and stared off into space?”
I giggle when he snuggles in next to me on the hospital bed “nope, I did some of the exercises for my arms that the doctor gave me and I also colored a bit.” he smiles and takes my hand in his.
“What happened yesterday?” I look over at him and raise an eyebrow before he gives me a nudge telling me to go ahead and tell him.
I let out a sigh and then decide to tell him “well, the whole morning I had a pain in my back and stomach and felt dizzy.”
He gives me a disappointed look “you told me that you were okay!” he is offended.
I know this because he gets up from the bed and clenches his fists “I asked you how you are feeling and you said you are okay.”
I nod “I know but-”
“But what Averly?! But you just wanted to keep even more from me? Or you just wanted to show me how little you care?” I narrow my eyes at him “listen, I don’t understand what the big deal is.”
He then glares at me “OF COURSE YOU DON’T!!! YOU DON’T SEE HOW I COULD LOSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE LIKE THIS!”
“WELL IF IT’S SO BAD THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?” I shouldn’t be shouting but really? “You don’t understand what it’s like being so dependent on people!”
Then without a word, he clenches his fists, turns around and slams the door as he walks out.
As I am about to give up and let my tears spill, the door opens and I perk up, but when I see my mom and the doctor walk in, I sit back again.
I look down at my lap and hear them shuffle around the room both taking a seat beside my bed.
“Averly?” I shake my head and keep my eyes downcast “Averly, we have the tests results and know what the reason for your complication is.” slowly, I look up at them and nod staying silent.
“You have liver failure, I have no idea why yet, but we will have to start treating it immediately.” I look over at the doctor and then at my mom “so you want to give me even more medication that ‘won’t work’?”
He gives me a shocked look “I try Averly, I am a doctor and I learn just as much as you do. I understand that this might not be nice but this is the way that it is and we can do nothing about it.”
With a sigh, I nod “okay, do I get to go home though?” He shakes his head and I fall silent as I nod and look back down at my lap “can I be alone please?”
It takes a moment and then they both leave and I let my head fall back onto the hospital bed. I move all the tubes and find a way to turn onto my side and not face the door.
That is when I let go. I take all of my bottled up emotions and let go. The tears start to pour and in this moment, I wish I have my dad with me.
I wish I have him to just hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I just want my dad, more than anything in the world. I want Jonah to come back and I want my body to start healing.
I feel constant pain. Constant hurt both physically and emotionally. It just keeps getting worse and it keeps hurting.
I hear the door click open and silence my sobs into silent cries. The chair gets pulled up to my bed, but the person sits on the bed next to my curled up body.
I don’t want to move or speak to anyone, so I look straight at the wall in front of me and ignore the hand that is comfortingly on my back “I am sorry I acted like that Averly.”
Jonah waits a moment and sighs “okay, I know you don’t want to talk or you are upset or whatever and I respect that. So I am just going to sit here until you feel better. I love you Ava.”
Silence then falls upon us and I keep looking at the wall while the tears roll and soon enough I can’t silence them anymore.
I start sobbing loudly and curl even more into a fetal position. I sound utterly sick with the scratchiness of my tone when I sob.
I hide my face with the sheets and feel Jonah rub his hand on my back to comfort me before he takes me and makes me sit on his lap.
He rocks back and forth with his chin on my head while I sob into his chest “I-it won’t s-stop hurting”
I feel him stiffen before I feel his tears on my head “it hurts me to see you like this.”
I say nothing and feel him kiss my head “we will get through this love. Just have hope.” I nod and soon my tears are dry on my cheeks and I am falling asleep in his arms as we sit there taking comfort in each other’s pain.
I hope the pain ends fast.