What is hope? It can mean many different things and it can serve many purposes.
For example there are people who always have hope and there are people who are named hope.
It has a vast variety of purpose and of meaning, so what does hope mean to me?
How do I know that I actually have hope? Or is it just a feeling I have; a word to trick the mind?
It could mean that I must believe in living, which I do. I must believe that my medication will kick in and I must stay positive.
It is kind of hard when you have everyone around you constantly blabbing about that specifically.
“Let’s hope it works Averly.”
“Let’s just have hope that you will get through this Averly.”
“Be positive Ava . . . For me.”
I am never in my own mind with my own thoughts and it is killing me. The people around me are influencing my thoughts way too much.
The worst part? I have no way of getting away from them. I have no freedom.
Unlike them. They just won’t understand that I don’t want them to be constantly around me and to constantly worry about me.
I mayor may not be losing my life, but I am going to get healthy again and then they are going to wish that they spent their time doing something with their lives.
For example, Jonah goes to school and comes here then goes home and then he repeats it until the weekend when the only difference is that he is here the whole day and he sleeps on the chair.
I don’t want him to waste his life because of me; in a figurative way of course
I want him to explore so that when I am fine again, he can show me all sorts of new and exciting things.
And last week when he was holding me, I thought carefully about everything.
I am taking away his adventure and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want him to regret choosing me.
So I wonder if it’s worth it. As he sits in front of me right now doing math homework, I wonder if I shouldn’t just break up with him.
Is it truly worth it? I see the pain in his eyes every time that he looks at me. I see the sadness that he covers up with a smile.
He thinks that I don’t see it, but I do.
“Is this really worth it?” His eyes snap to mine in confusion and he closes his math book.
“I see the sadness and pain in you Jonah.” he looks at me for a moment before slowly letting his head hang with a sigh.
“Ava, do you realize what you do to me?” I nod “I cause you pain and sadness.”
He shakes his head looking terribly offended before grabbing my hand “you make me want to burst with so much love that I have no choice but to help others smile, you make me want to laugh at the smallest of things and cry when someone doesn’t get something. You make me want to live and you make me want to burst with excitement.”
I smile “but why do I see sadness and pain in those beautiful eyes? You are too special to be in pain.” he smiles at my words.
“You always see the good in others and that makes me sad. You are the sick one, but you still put others ahead of yourself. It saddens me to think that an angel like you suffers so much hurt. I feel pain when you feel pain. Averly, you see my emotions and don’t realize that I also see yours my love, I see what you feel and I would take it away in a heartbeat if I could.” I look down at my lap and a tear slips.
I don’t want him to feel pain just because I do. I don’t want him to feel sad for me being sick.
I don’t need sympathy. It’s like when dad died, I don’t need sympathy because they don’t fully understand what I feel.
“I don’t want to hold you back Jonah, not anymore. I don’t want you to hurt because of something I can’t prevent from myself.” I feel his hold on my hand tighten and squeeze my eyes shut.
“What are you saying?” I shake my head “I don’t think that I am worth any pain or sadness from you. I want you to go out and smile, don’t sit in a hospital room and wait around only to regret it someday.”
“You are not serious right now. Averly, I love you! Only you! And I can’t see how you expect me to just be happy when you are in pain.” why do we always have to fight?
“Jonah, I don’t want you to regret cooping yourself up in a hospital room the whole time when you could have gone and lived your life while visiting me.” he shakes his head vigorously “no, Ava if it means my pain for your joy then so be it. If it means my freedom be taken for your smile then so be it, damnit.”
“No.” I won’t do this to him. I have to go in for an operation tomorrow and I might not make it because of my lung strength.
“No what?” I ignore him and get lost in my thoughts.
No more fear, I might die that's a given and I need to let him go before anything can happen to me.
He can’t feel so much pain.
I know I will survive and I know that we can carry on being friends, but the lack of oxygen and the struggle tomorrow could make me slip into a coma or even lose all memory that I have.
I love him and this is for him.
“No more fear.” I mumble and he looks confused “goodbye, Jonah.” his eyes fill with an emotion which I can’t decipher.
“You are not thinking Averly.” I shake my head “I would rather let you go than lose all memory of you!” He gives me a confused look and it is silent between us for a few moments before he finally reacts “what?”
I let out a deep breath before explaining “I need to go in for an operation tomorrow, they want to check some or other something that I don’t know about. It has a risk to me either slipping into a coma or losing all memory, chances that everything will be okay is very small but still there and he worst is ... I could die.”
He is silent once again before he grabs my hand tightly and puts a strand of my hair behind my ear “if that’s the case then consider me in.”
I raise an eyebrow “like I always say, I love you. Averly, if you have to go in for an operation which I know is a huge risk for you, then I will be with you every step of the way.”
I open my mouth to object but he shakes his head and speaks before I can even utter a word.
“Nothing you say or do will make me change my mind Averly, we have been best friends forever and the fact that we are dating won’t change a thing. I. Will. Be. Here.” He gives me a stern look and then I decide to get over myself.
I tried but clearly he is in this for the long run, so I accept it and let out a breath before nodding.
“Thank you.” he smiles and plants a kiss on my lips helping me realize just how much I really do love him.
“Jonah, I” the words freeze in my throat and no matter how hard I try, I can’t say them. I try, bu soon I find myself looking at him with wide eyes and my mouth gaping like a fish.
"You?" he gives me a questioning look and I quickly try to think of something else to say.
“I can’t imagine life without you.” he smiles and I smile back before grabbing him and kissing him.
I wish I can just say the words. That I can just tell him how much I do love him. Somehow though, I know that I can’t, there is a reason why I can’t say the words.
I have a feeling that I will say the words one day when it really needs to be said or something. If that is the case then I can’t wait. I will survive my operation, I will remember him, I will get well and I will end up living forever with my knight in shining armor.
All because I love him and he loves me.